I have been divorced for not quite a year yet. I admit it was my idea though we were seperated almost 2 years prior to actually doing the deed. Even before he signed the papers I had changed my mind then all of a sudden he signed them and it was done soon after. My need for advice stems from the fact I really did not want the divorce. I want him back .. us back. I have been trying to spend time with him but most of the time he is not interested. However, when we do get to spend time together we have a good time and flirt etc.. I am very confused as to what to do. I am not sure if he is just scared I am not serious. I don't know what to say or do to show him otherwise. I DO NOT want to give up on us .. not yet. Any advice is welcome I just don't know what else to say or do. I have thought about just going over to his place and forcing the time together but figure that might make things worse. I have given him space for a while and tried the daily contact thing (phone).<BR>Thanks in advance

twurtle,<P>I guess before offering advice, some additional information might be necessary. Why were you two separated for 2 years? Why did you decide to file for divorce? Is there someone else in the picture for you or your exH?<P>I think the general answer is yes you could probably rekindle the relationship if too much damage has not been done. WHile Plan A is for people with cheating spouses, the general principles still hold. Can you identify why he fell out of love with you? Can you identify areas in yourself that can be improved? Can you avoid arguements with him? etc.<P>Without any more information it is difficult to say anything more detailed.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I would have to agree that more information is needed to accurately offer advice here, but it does make me feel good to see that some people have the ability to change their minds, even after a divorce.<P>Something positive to think about.<P>

We started dating at age 15 and married at 21. Neither dated anyone else. We had communication problems and I was unhappy about the influence he let his parents have over us (we were out of college supporting ourselves). We had communication problems also. When I tried to tell him about a problem he blew it off as nothing and he never admitted having any himself. Basically I got very depressed and thought I should leave and did (big mistake). We did the counsleing think but my heart really was not in it. I just could not believe things would be different. After almost a year I stupidly ended up meeting someone. That ended up influencing my feelings and actions even more but I still had feelings for my ex. My ex does not know there was ever anyone else and I wonder how big a role that really had but that does not matter now. I realized that our problems were really minor and we have both grown up alot. That alone will remedy alot of the issues. I have let him know I want to spend time with him. I am pretty sure he is aware I am in favor of reconcilliation. The scary thing is I have been like this since prior to the divorce. I have been told to go out with other people and move on and if he wants me back he will let me know. But, I know him very well and doubt this to be the case. He was very patient with me but I was not ready. I am afraid that now that I am ready its over. I am pretty positive he still has strong feelings for me and that is one thing in my favor. Additionally, I do not think he is seeing anyone right now either.

twurtle,<P>Well, knowing a bit more about the situation, I would guess that your exH is probably very gun shy about getting married to you again or even having a relationship with you. This is especially true if he still has strong feelings for you.<P>He probably worries that with his strong feelings, that he won't be able to resist you, and then he will completely open to your hurting him again. This is a trust issue. He also probably worries, that you are really not sincere this time but just want to hang around him out of guilt for what happened.<P>So what to do? I guess I would recommend that you read the articles here. Go to the "Just Found Out" section of this forum and read NSR's general welcome section. Within his post are many bookmarks on Plan A and the four steps to a good marriage. While you are not dealing with an affair, some of the points in there will be enlightening. <P>THen I would suggest that you read "His Needs Her Needs", this may give you some idea how to met your exH's needs and begin to develop his trust of you again. It seems to me trust is a very big hurdle here.<P>I would also guess there may be some deep resentment about how things ended, as he suddenly signed the divorce papers after a Two??? year separation.<P>Finally, never assume that your exH "knows" something such as how you feel. I will bet that he is fairly certain that he has no idea how you feel based on how the marriage turned out. He probably really doubts his ability to understand you although he was patient with you.<P>So when you think the time is right, make sure you communicate with him in a direct and honest manner. This will make things easier.<P>But first, do some reading. Do some Plan Aing, and use the 4 rules of protecting your marriage to develop a better relationship with him (although I realize you aren't married).<P>Hope something I have mentioned here will be of some help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Well, I could never offer any advice more practical than that of JL, other than to read his post again, and get counselling. <P>You have found an excellent resource. Surf over to the EN forum. Lots of great advice there and some incredible people. Trust me....<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Twurtle,<BR>I too agree completely with JL and would like to emphasize something you said which really struck me:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We had communication problems also. / I am pretty sure he is aware I am in favor of reconciliation.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If you had an issue with poor communication in the past, do not repeat that habit again. Saying you are "pretty sure" that he is aware of your feelings is a guess, shows signs that your communication may still not be good.<P>I made the mistake in my marriage that I assumed my wife knew how I felt about her and that we understood one another completely. The truth is we had a lot of communication issues and neither one of us were having our EN's met. Since our separation I have gone through some therapy and I have found this site. I still have some communication issues with my STBX, but I am working on them. Again it's hard to work on them when your spouse isn't interested in talking about it, but that's yet another challenge I must face right now.<P>I have found that if I take my time and write her a letter describing my feelings and my thoughts, then I am better able to express myself without fear of being flustered or saying the wrong thing to her. At least with the words in black and white I think it's more difficult for the words to get lost in interpretation.<P>What I'm getting to here is this....Don't base your feelings or your future relationship on assumptions. If you have something you want your significant other to know, tell them.<BR>

twurtle,<P>You are in for a tough road if you want to reconcile - there is no doubt about that. My wife is only gone 7 months and only recently filed for divorce and I can tell you that no matter how much I want her to come back, I know that when she did, there would be MAJOR trust issues for me to get over. It was her decision to leave and as much as I wanted to work on things, she could care less.<P>Putting my myself in your ex's shoes, I can see how scared he is to trust again. I also agree with Jayhawk that you must be PERFECTLY clear with your intentions. Men and women are so different in how they perceive things - What you may think is perfectly clear, he may be seeing in a totally different light. While it will probably take as much courage as you can muster, you NEED to tell him exactly how you feel. By doing this you are going to be putting yourself out on a limb, but it is really the only way to make sure he knows what you are thinking. And don't be devastated if his initial reaction is negative - it will probably be a knee-jerk reaction to his pain and fears. But, I guarantee that it will get him thinking.<P>From that point forward it is up to you to prove to him what you are telling him. As they say "actions speak louder than words". By the way, while not quite as young as you two, Jayhawk and I are in similar situations (we are both in early 30's and wives are in late 20's), and I think both of our situations may have things in common with your relationship.<P>Finally you need to know that trust and respect go hand-in-hand. Neither is given, they are both earned and that takes time.<P>It takes a very big person to admit when they may have made a mistake - for that you are to be commended. If you are sincere in your efforts, then don't give up - keep fighting and say strong.<P>God's strength!<BR>Mike