Well, I am here in Chicago now... H went to the counselor today. He should be getting out of the session right about now or a few minutes ago. I feel like most of my life is hinging on this session. I wish I was back at home... I know that he probably wont make the big decision today but think about it some instead... Who knows.. I am just guessing. I really have no idea what his plans are or what he is thinking. I am just going crazy wanting to hear his voice, page him, see him, hold him... I feel like I am being a stalker right now. I know that I need to let go and back off some, but how?? I have always face my problems head on and dealt with things as they happened. Not waited. Maybe I made the wrong decisions sometimes, but I did always face the consequences. I am afraid that I may be pushing too hard for this, but I just have such a hard time with the minimal contact thing. The space thing. It feels like I am running away from something if I dont confront it. and maybe even part of me just wants to get as much time with him as possible in case he does decide to leave? I just dont know. Right now I feel like I dont know anything. Thank goodness this job in Chicago doesn't seem to hard (yet) and I probably wont screw this one up like last week. <BR>Right now I am scheduled to be home next week. Who knows how that will go. How much tension will be there? I know that I shouldn't worry about what tomorrow will bring but I find it impossible not to.. <BR>AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH I am GOING NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Blindsided,<P>Been following your posts for the past week. In spite of how difficult things are right now, it sounds like you are making good choices. There aren't too many stresses as cruel as uncertainty and the fear of the unknown. Read somewhere that the three worst causes of stress are change in employment, change in residence, and change in marital status. You have a quite a bit on your plate. <P>One must admire your self control. It may be the best way to find out what you want to know. <P>"The woman whose behavior indicates that she will mak a scene if she is told the truth askes to be deceived." ...Elizabeth Jenkins.<P>You are on a good track, but not an easy one. In our prayers, <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Blindside}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Bumper

Blindsided,<P>I have never posted to you before, but have read many of your posts. Let me ask you a question are you an "investor" or a "speculator"?<P>You are acting like a "speculator" (at least your posts sound like it) in that you are chasing every sign, every signal, every chance. But when doing that you are creating chaos in your own mind. You are swinging from anger, to depression, to optimism, to hopelessness. The situation isn't any of those. The true situation seems one that can be changed even if your H may decide to leave.<P>I would like to suggest that you "invest" in your marriage for the long haul. Do the things you know are right for your H and you. Do them consistently and show that the changes you are trying to make are going to last. <P>As you pointed out, this has only been going on for 2 weeks. How long have you been married? Much longer. How long have things been not so great between you? Much longer.<P>This is not a business situation and a quick fix or quick solution is not likely. This is a matter of the heart of people feeling that they have not been treated well. Of misunderstandings, so many things.<BR> <BR>So Blindsided, calm down. Quit reading the tea leaves and apply somethings that are known to work. Plan A comes to mind. Then steadly, consistently, and with great care "invest" in your marriage. This thing cannot be "fixed" but it can be "healed". Healing takes time and Patience, T&P.<P>Now repeat the mantra, T&P, T&P, ... <P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thanks Bumper and JL , I am chasing everything. I have read some books, lots of posts, and even seeing a counselor.. I know what I should do, and I also know that I shouldn't second guess everything that happens. Guess mostly I have been trying to atone for several years in a very short period of time. We have only been married a short period of time, but have lived together and dated for around 4 years. I was once the supporting caring person that he fell in love with... Seems like when he moved in is when I took over. I am 32, but have lived out on my own for so long (since around the age of 17) and owned my own houses, cars, etc... without anyone elses name or help.. I guess maybe I am really to independent in some senses in that I guess I found it very hard to relinquish "control" over my own life and in the process took over his as well. I am going to be patient and just wait. Thank goodness for this site. If I didn't have someplace to vent and get feedback I would already have done something stupid I'm sure. I welcome any and all advice on how to handle this and for the most part I am following it. <BR>We had a discussion the other day in the event that he moved out, could we be friends? I said that right now I cant see that because it would break my heart to be around him without "love" and that I would feel rejected every time he left. I told him that I hoped he could understand that I still loved him and respect the fact that I didn't want to give up. His response was that he hoped that I would respect his decision and give up. I guess I really don't know what to do if he leaves. Do I respect his decision or do I keep on Plan A'ing? I am tired of hurting and I don't know that I want to try if he leaves. Should I just go on with my life and consider this a "lesson"???

Blindsided,<P>I would recommend continuing to Plan A even if he leaves. Things change with time, but Plan A is really a good way to live in any case. It really isn't about him, Plan A is about you. Evaluating yourself and changing things you think need to be changed. It is also mentioned in Plan A to avoid LB's, that is really good advice even if he leaves. There is very little gained by trying to hurt, humiliate, or embaress someone.<P>So hang in there Blindsided, keep working on yourself and remember 2 weeks is not enough time to have Plan A work. The main hope is that your marriage isn't so badly damaged that he closes his heart to you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thanks JL-<BR> I have pretty much come to a decision that no matter what I will not cease to try and improve myself. If he doesn't appreciate it then someday (not soon, I have no desire to date) someone will appreciate what I have done for myself and in turn appreciate me for who I am. <BR> I am however, still very confused and feel like I am living something?? who knows what??? He called me earlier on the phone and we had a nice/normal "chit-chat" conversation. Guess I am getting to the point where I am tired of being the only one who seems affected by this. I will continue to Plan A, but damn, I will not continue to put my life on complete hold waiting for H to make a decision. Honestly after a lot of thought I really dont want him to make a decision just yet. I want him to see that I am trying. I am sure I will have some very bad days and hopefully some good ones as well before this is all over, but I am going to hold my head high knowing that I will continue to try and I will become a more enlightened person. I cried a little today, but not nearly as much as I have in the last few weeks. The pain is still very raw and very strong, but I am starting to be able to put it in it's place and see a future. Maybe it looks bleak right now for me, but at least it's a future, and that's more than I can say from last week. <BR> I do love him more than I can ever express in words, but I also do not want to make him do something that will make him miserable and resentful. I want him to love me in the same manner. Maybe? I hope. I pray. But I do want to see both of us happy.

Blindsided,<P>Just remember that he once loved you, but now he is in withdrawal. He won't show much pain in this state. He has already withdrawn from the pain he felt and that is why he is now attempting to withdraw from the marriage. <P>So don't fear he has had pain and probably will have more. But in the withdrawn state you won't see or hear much from him other than the basics. It is the only way he can do this. He doesn't hate you, so the only way to leave is to withdraw.<P>Just remember what you are seeing now are the defensive mechanisms to protect himself from further pain. They don't always work effectively. <P>Give it time and patience. <P>God Bless,<P>JL