ever since i've known my wife (~15 years) she has siad that ".. she's trying to find that certain look..." Now I'm talking about someone who is 37 years old. <p>I fully understand one trying to find oneself, but i find that her lack on confidence flows through our whole relationship. From the lack of sex to the constant disagreements on how friends/ acquantances are acting towards her. She seems to be always looking for someone's approval; & yes , i have always been what i think is supportive, but it has gotten worse over time. An example: The other nite, we went to a huge Christmas party with friends of mine from my company. She has met many of the wives on a regular basis. Yet after two hours, she wanted to leave, because "...no one is coming over to hang with us..." and " I'm tired of being left out of things." <p>I feel like i'm dealing with a 12 year old !!!!<p>She believes this lack of confidence is there, and so, of course, it is. I think that this is much of the basis for our poor sex life (she doesn't like herself or feel sexy & attractive, so how would I, so she rationalizes) and our slowly declining marital relationship. I've suggeted counseling, but she wants no part of it. She thinks I'm "blaming" her perceived "no one wants to hang out with me" attitude on her. I guess i am ! <p>any ideas ?? <p>thanks for your opinions !!<p>nick

so, did I do something wrong here ?<p>why no replies? did i misuse the proper protocol for posting ? If so, would someone please let me know. Or did i not explain the situation enough ? <p>thank you, nick

nick,<p>I didn't post here becuase I wasn't really sure what you were stating, or what type of advice you were looking for.<p>On the surface, you're aruguing with your wife. If your wife has poor self-esteem, you need to find ways to help her build it. It's not easy at times, especially with someone who seemingly WANTS to feel bad, but there are things you can do to help.<p>Eliminate lovebusters. Especially disrespectful judgements. An emotional need your wife seems to have is the need for admiration. Start trying to fill that in ways that make your wife feel good (not ways that make you feel good). Expect no results at first, and give it several months to be effective.<p>I'd suggest that you read Give and Take. Your wife too. Simply tell her that you'd like to become the best possible husband to her that you can be. Do this lovingly and non-threateningly. If she responds in a less than enthusiastic manner, don't jump on the defensive. Try to find out what you do to hurt her (the love busters questionnaire helps), what emotional needs are important to her and how you can fill them (the emotional needs questionnaire), and see where it goes.<p>Counseling would be the best way to go, but there is plenty of information here at the web site and in the books: read it (and reread it) and try to understand it both from your view as well as your wifes.

k,<p>thanks for the reply. I guess i've been too close to the problem for years now, & didn't do a good job explaining.<p>i have told her that over the years that I'd like to "become the best possible husband to her that i can be" & I've done so in a non-threatening manner. I've expressed that I'd like to go to a marriage counsellor to improve what we've got, but her response was " if i have trouble talking to you about this, how couls I talk to a stranger." I have planned on ghoing by myself for years, but for whatevr reason , i didn't follow through & go do it. <p>& yes, I have tried to be more sympathetic as opposed to "trying to fix" the problems/ concerns she talks to me about. But i need to work on this more.<p>I guess i'm concerned that i do try to work these issues, but the impression i have is that she doesn't see things as being as much of a problem as i do. what i mean is that these issues will get worse as we get older, & i want to fix them NOW, instead of later, when the will be harder to fix.<p>I plan on trying to get her to read some of this material to see what she thinks. <p>thanks again for your input.<p>Nick<br>