TS,<P>Just stopped by to thank you for your response to me.<P>And Bill, fwiw, I think you're right re: TS breakthrough! <P>God Bless,<BR>Enlightened

<BR>TS heartens us all by quipping:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I might be forced to break down and maybe start to believe I'm a decent person after all this...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>TS, you've been a decent person all along! And I'm delighted to see you starting to realize this!<P>Bystander

It has been about a week since we discussed this topic. I've thought about it alot. <P>This week and the week before I started this thread, I find myself pulling away from friends who know this about my life. Mostly friends I've met within the past 2-3 yrs. There are two friends of mine whom I've known for at least 10-15 years who I have not told the details to, and won't.<P>After re-reading these posts and doing more thinking, I find that it really is impossible for me to share this with even one more person. This is sad, but it is likely that I will eventually find a reason to put myself out of reach of those that currently know. I am convinced that this is what I would do if I told someone I was intimate or serious about someday. The minute that problems came up, I'd convince myself it was because of the things I told him (whether he used it against me or not), then I'd find some way to sabotage the relationship. <P>I do believe now that you all have only the best intentions. Under many,many circumstances, I'm sure that telling would be the best thing for most people and that they would genuinely feel more intimate with someone they told. <P>I wish that I hadn't told any of my friends now. I wish I had just gone to a counselor instead. I find myself pushing those people away now in so many ways. <P>Sorry folks, I just can't tell. I have seen so many negative events occur because of my confession, and internally, with my own feelings toward the friends I have told. <P>I've pulled it apart from every angle imaginable, and it only comes down to one thing. I just can't share this with a non-professional. I'll simply have to find a way to carry this burden on my own somehow.

My dear Student,<P> I have been praying not to have to suggest this.....but you're a real hard case. A conundrum <sp>. (Don't ya hate it when hillbilly banjer pickers try to use big words!)<BR>A quandary <sp>!......it is, I'm afraid, time for the final solution. The FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION!!! I know, drastic move, but we've exhausted all the easy answers. I'm not sure if they take girls in the Legion....but if you got a severe haircut and watch for a big sale on ACE bandages at Rite-Aid.....ya might be able to pull it off..... Oh! and my female Arab friends tell me that riding a camel can be.....errr, stimulating....and ya don't have to tell them camels s***!<P> Seriously, Stu. Can't you tell how we feel about you??? You're great. Like somebody said, you've got tons of replies on your thread, damn, that should tell ya sumthin lady...... I dont wanna get mushy or nuthin, but YOU'RE GREAT! So you have major regrets about stuff in your life....join the dang club! (Or "to forget"...the Legion, LOL)<BR> <BR> So please, Stu, try to put this s*** out of your mind. I believe it's possible to drive yourself crazy (I almost did!)......and that would be a REAL tragedy..... <P>Sincerely,<BR>Bill <p>[This message has been edited by Xman (edited November 11, 2000).]

TS, <P>After following this thread for over a week cliches keep popping into mind.<P>Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it. <BR> -- Montaigne<P>Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter. <BR> -- W. R. Inge<P>It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them. <BR> -- Caron de Beaumarchais<P>The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you. <BR> -- Kin Hubbard<P>If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong. <BR> -- Mo Udall<P>History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. <BR> -- Abba Eban<P>Student, you are a loveable person. People will love you if you just let them!<P>Bumper

Dear TS, <P>All you are looking for now is the doctrine of redemption and forgiveness. Good luck. May you find what you are seeking. Until then, intimacy will forever elude you.<P>Love,<P>Karenna

Intimacy, love, what do those words mean? Mostly, I think it is a figment of people's imagination. Most people don't love anyone. My ex certainly didn't love me. Most people just want to feel good, and as long as they feel good then they call that "love". Most people are looking for some person to fit their mental image of the ideal mate. They don't look at another person and think "how can I personally contribute to the spiritual/emotional growth of this person". No. They think "what can this person do for ME." So, with that in mind, I will keep my secrets to myself. Most people don't give a flying you-know-what about what I've learned from my marriages. All they care about is making sure that my "baggage" doesn't affect them adversely.

Stu,<BR> "Intimacy and Love, what do those words mean?" I dunno. But Ed Meese (former Atty General), in his immortal words, (asked to define "pornography") said, "Well, errr, I know it when I see it". And you, Stu, are gonna "see" it again before it's all over....if you allow yourself to....<P> You're so smart (and nice!), Stu, (you've FORGOTTEN more than I KNOW!), Why can't you figure THIS out? I admire you a lot, please cut yourself some slack.<P>See Ya,<BR>Bill<P>PS: Only problem I ever had with a woman's "baggage" was the night my W dropped her guitar case on my foot and broke my little piggy....the one that goes wee, wee, wee, wee....all the way home! Heck, I had to tap the other foot at that gig.....threw me of a little too....LOL

TS,<BR>Do you think you may a little too close to the situation yet? It is evident to me that you are still healing and are asking a lot of "what ifs ?"<P>You already acknowledged that you are not seeking a relationship at this time. So finish up your schooling and thren appraoch your next challenge what ever it maybe.<P>Just think of the realtionship you can build on ifyou tell your SO what happened and it doesn't matter. If he goes running off, then he doesn't have any guts.<P>Just give yourself time, where have we heard those words before? History has a time of healing all wounds, unless we keep picking at the scab, like making a plan to keep a secret long before that decision is even needed.<P>Hang in !<P>Bob