H went to see a counselor yesterday, it is the same one that I have been seeing. Said he liked her and was going to make one more appointment then make a decision. I feel like I already know the answer. It isn't the one I wanted. I know not to guess about what he is going to decide, but I keep getting "messages" from him that he already knows what he wants to do. The conselor kinda upset me yesterday when she said something to him about this being an "abusive relationship" and that it would take me a very long time to change. I DISAGREE WITH THAT. I can agree that I was somewhat bossy and directing and maybe even that is abusive, but I DO NOT believe that it will take me a long time to change. She has only seen me 3 times so far and made that decision and told him as well. I KNOW THAT I HAVE CHANGED. That I can be much less dictative and bossy. I already am. I think that was another nail in the coffin. Other than that I really like the counselor. What should I do. Should I tell her how I feel about that statement? I know that overall it will take time to change some of my thoughts and feelings, but I can change my actions immediately. I already have. <BR>H and I talked a little last night about "talking about this whole situation". H says I am trying to sell myself to him. Damned right I am. I want him to see that I can be a good wife. OK, so I agree to shutup about it and I will just continue to show him. H also says that he is going to try and make this appointment before I get home (which is now looking like Friday instead of Thursday due to problems on customer site late last night.) Right now I never want to go home.... I am so afraid that everything will have changed when I get there. At least here I can pretend that things are ok. I am starting to lose it again with the crying. Geez am I lonely.

My luck in continuing.... I just found out that I will have to be here until Friday.. Geez, can I have a nervous breakdown before then. I am so sad.

Did you ask her why she thought that?<P>Did yo ask her why she told him that? <P>Did you tell her what your goals are with her?<P>Why is he in such a rush? get him to slow down, such that you have some more time to show the improvements.<P>

Blindsided123,<P>It's not my intention to be harsh with you, but consider these points.<BR>Go back and read your post a few times. To some (such as myself), it comes across as the post of a demanding, angry, and insecure person. Controlling behavior nearly always stems from a deep seated sense of insecurity. The original issues causing the insecurity have to be addressed successfully, or changes in controlling behavior are superficial and temporary, no matter how quickly implemented. This is work you have to do, for your self, not for the relationship. <BR>At this time you're trying to get your husband to immediately accept that you have changed and it's time for him to come to his senses. This is controlling. In a sense, your wanting to convince both the counselor and therapist of your immediate cure in this area is bossy and controlling. Allow people to have their own feelings, and work their own process in their perceptions of you. You can't change them; they can't change you. You can only change yourself, and the only valid reason to do it is for yourself. Any other reason, your subconscious will interpret as external coercion. It sounds like you have a good counselor. Give her and your husband some time, and see if you can find another, more constructive outlet for your anxiety and the energy it is creating.<P>Regards and best wishes,<P>Jon

Thanks.... and I agree with both of you. I did tell H that I knew that it would take time for him to believe that I can and will change. I have realized that I am a hurt, angry and controlling person. I know that my thoughts are still the same and that's what will take time to modify. What I can immediately modify is the way that I react to them. What I am really praying for is that he will take the time instead of making this decision right now and just wait and see. He is determined however to deal with this NOW and that this decision will be final. As far as telling the counselor I have definitely expressed my will to change and to figure out why I have acted the way that I have so that this isn't something superficial. <BR>As for doing this for myself. I am, I dont like who/what I have become. I never thought about being insecure in this relationship until he told me he wanted out. Now I see how unbelievable insecure I am, that is also something I want to work on for me. I realize that even if this doesn't work out, I need help. If not I will just carry this for the rest of my life, and never be happy. <BR>I have stated before that I am a very driven person and have always done whatever had to be done to succeed. I also realize that I cannot be that way in a healthy relationship, at work yes, at home NO. I have always been a problem solver and it's very difficult for me to just walk away from this without giving it some effort. I am trying very hard to practice what has been taught to me on this board. Patience!!! Despite how bad I come across right now I really am being patient. Right now this is the only place I have to really vent so that I can control my behavior and reaction. In time I hope that with more counseling I will not see this board as such a need, but instead as a source of wisdom and overall support.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I have stated before that I am a very driven person and have always done whatever had to be done to succeed. I also realize that I cannot be that way in a healthy relationship, at work yes, at home NO. I have always been a problem solver and it's very difficult for me to just walk away from this without giving it some effort. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wait, I am that way also, but not controlling, not angry, and very forgiving. The difference is I understand what I have influence over, and what I don't. <P>The problem is that I am very secure with myself, with one exception area, and that is something that will take time to improve upon and learn. But also, you have to be very careful in selecting who to mate with, such that you don't get the truly opposites of both personalities and values.<P>A good book is the "7 habits of Highly Effective People." what you control and what you don't control.<P>Being bossy and directing, yeah, is that a reason to get a divorce? Maybe you need people skills training for delivery, everyone can use that sometimes.<P>But can you figure out that stuff in 3 visits? only people who want someone to validate them, and therefore can point a finger to support, instead of looking inside themselves for reasons and effort.<P>Hang tough right now, what I got is confusion from the spouse, and I didn't use enough strength to convince her to do it herself. I went along a little too easily, but the future payoffs will be tremendous for me. and eventually for the kids, if I can accomplish my goals.<P>set your goals, actually counsel with the Harleys for $100, and hone your plan A from the experts, and it may have more effect than you think.<P>PS, don't discuss relationships, never, never, never, just do relationships right now. and that will confuse him enough to get him to slow down.<P>good luck

I agree. Try not to discuss the relationship so much right now. I was in the opposite position. It did drive me nuts and confuse me and make it really hard to make a decision when we just enjoyed each others company. Whenever you force the discussion of "where are we going from here" you can make the person feel you have taken control of their life again. Looking back I realize this was not what was intended but it is the way I felt. I don't have any magic words or great wisdom my marriage still ended in divorce though I would love the chance to reconcile. My fighting instinct broke shortly after he stopped pushing maybe a hint. Before the papers were signed I was begging to come back. We have seen each other a little lately and I no longer feel him to be controlling. Just try to enjoy each other when you get the opportunity. It will cast a positive feeling over the relationship. You might even forget you are having problems for a little while. As far as controlling, I believe my X has changed and am trying to just enjoy when we do get together. People do and can change.

Thanks guys... really needed to hear that... I know that 3 sessions is not nearly enough. No matter what I do intend on continuing the counseling and make myself a better person for whoever and for myself. I do hope that H realizes this and will take the time to discover this as well. I am backing off... Haven't heard from him yet today and it's driving me crazy, but I haven't called him to bug him... I have stayed very busy and even went out to dinner and ate... Feel like crud, but I am going to continue living....