Before our seperation, my wife basically treated the kids with benign neglect. Almost never did anything with them, never gave baths, read stories, or anything like that.<P>Well, for Halloween yesterday, she drives three hours to spend two hours taking them trick or treating. She has visited her family more in the last 6 months than she had in the last six years.<P>I guess I am irritated because last Halloween, rather than take the kids out, she was with OM doing the nasty. Oh yeah, and on Christmas Day, too.<P>But now, since she decided to destroy the family, she is spending time with the kids and trying to be "super mom." Really makes me ill.<P>Anyone else have this happen?

YES!!!<P>I have been told up front--"I abandoned the marriage, not the kid." (Miss Kitty chapter 1, verse 1: One does not divorce a child, one divorces a spouse.)<P>My kid is becoming soooooo spoiled with all the toys, clothes, treats and crap that he gets from his dad--he expects to have something new everyday, a new toy, and new video game, a trip to the arcade or the movies, chuck e cheese for every meal, ect. He asks me everyday if he has gotten a package from dad in the mail with toys in it.<P>However, I am the bad guy because I cannot afford these things. I cannot even afford cable tv. Dinner is what mom makes on the stove.<P>I am also a bad parent, according to my WS. Everything I do is wrong--(I will not even begin to expound,) even though I spent the last 2 1/2 years raising the little guy solo while hubby and Miss Kitty were keeping the futon warm.<P>Children are little people, entrusted into our care by God. The very worst thing we can do in this world is use children for pawns.

In some way, count your blessings. It could be worse. My stbx pays no attention. He only calls on birthdays and holidays and hasn't seen them since July. This from a man who lives 10 minutes away. Oh wait! I lied! He ran into the two youngest at Wal-Mart when they were with my sister. But he was drunk then. Real nice of him! <P>Just try and be thankful for what they are willing to do. I know it's hard. I would have a hard time if A*S suddenly turned into Super-Dad! <P>Mitzi

Grandpa Bri--<P>Out of curiosity--I am wondering why you are adressing this topic especially to male BS?

And Mitzi--you are so very right--I should and do count my blessings<P>My husband has always been an excellent father--the one piddlin aspect of his life where he is not selfish. My son adores him and the hardest thing about this divorce is the fact that one of us has to give up physical custody--the last thing that I would want is come between my son and his father. This is going to be a tough negotiation.

Brian,<BR>My x was a little different. Early on all she would do was take the kids to the mall. She bought them a few things, but nothing expensive. Now she won't even do that.<P>She promised the kids, tvs and phones in their rooms and that hasn't occurred yet. <P>She told them she was buying a SUV, then a loaded van. She ended up with the van with a tv/vcr in it. A couple weeks ago she wouldn't go get videos for the kids when she was trying to palm them off on her mother. Good thing she got that in the van!<P>Last year when we were trying to reconcile I was mad at x because she was working Halloween. I asked her why she didn't get it off since she was one of the few that had small kids. She said because she didn't consider it a holiday. This year she was off and never even called the kids.<P>

HELLO GRANDPABRI!<P>The situation is changed, do not assume that past behavior when married = future behavior when divorced!<P>Everything is different! That is one aspect that the BS forgets because internally, the BS has not done anything different. The WS has done alot differently! <P>Guilt, responsibility, new roles, everything changes. Some people are happier, and wnat to include the kids in more of the happiness, intimacy with the kids!<P>Some of us like me, realized that we were spending too much time at work, and need to change, so our behavior changes with the situation and the learning.<P>My STBX is so frustrated with me because I have changed, for the better, she admits it, but now has to explain to everyone why I am better, and why she is not!<P>It does put the kids in the middle, no matter what! primarily to different value systems and life styles. there is not two ways about it.<P>However, I am much tougher on my kids, now, whereas before I relied on the STBX while i was working. Hey, now I can cook, I never did that before, but everything is possible when necessary. STBX never cared about money, now she has to.<P>Divorce changes everything, especially for W of children, when not being the custodial parent is seen as being a bad mother! It is a control issue for them, and a status issue.<P>tom<P><BR>