I've lost myself...<br>I thought I was doing well... been in couselling... understanding what's going on... trying to accept it... dealing with it...<p>Known her 14 years... best friends... we became lovers after 2 years... married 5½ years...<p>We travelled together... gardened together... raised her daughter (now 26)... gone through the deaths of both her mother and my father within 6 months together 5 years ago... helped each grow in our business lives...<p>Suddenly she asks me for 'space'... I move to another room... we go to counselling... we negotiate... it's working well... suddenly... "move out"... I move... our counsellor is shocked and separates us... she won't budge... she has removed all items that are reminders of 'us' from the house... new furniture... reupolstering... paint and wallpaper...<p>I know she cares for me and we talk as "friends"... she says she needs this space... she is thankful for my teaching her the SHE can be loved... she wants to stay friends... calls me when she needs the frig repaired... advise on her daughter...<p>Her mood swings for intelligent to arrogant in the same sentence... she's lost 71 lbs. (didn't need to loose more than 20) since July... I've gone from 180 to 145 and am only 6 foot... I know there is no one else involved... I NEVER hit her... I was always gentle, caring and supportive... she was abused by her prior husband 27 years ago... and by her grandfather 40 years ago... she calls me by her priors name (and they are not even similar)... counselor says there is nothing you can do... we just celebrated (joyously and civilly) her/our daughters wedding... two days later she files...<p>Was she playing me for a fool... was her daughter playing me for a fool... who hasn't called me since the day of the wedding (but asked me to dance to Unforgetable by Natalie and Nat King Cole at the wedding... <p>When two are together, they can grow apart or together... I guess we grow apart... she SAID she wanted counseling... we went... I want to make it work... I made changes and am growing... she says she sees changes in... I don't see changes in her... she wont make any effort to make it work... she just wants out...<p>Okay... I'll give her the divorce... I can accept this... but I can stop crying... can't stop thinking of her... I wont answer the phone or talk to anyone... can't concentrate... <p>I'm giving up... not on life... but on me (and everyone else) for now...<p>[This message has been edited by Timothy (edited 12-15-98).]

You sound like a very sweet man, one who cares for his family very much. Did anything happen in your life to make her suddenly change her way of thinking to wanting out? Is she going through menopause? That can really mess a woman up, make her totally differant? I would suggest that if you want this marriage to work that you continue to work on it. Send her flowers, call her...ask her out on a date. If you know that it is over, then you need time to heal and MOVE on. Dont give up on woman. There are many good ones out there yet!!!

Timothy,<p>Who can understand these things. I certainly don't. And it always hurts worse when you thought you were on the right track. My own situation has not reached the pain intensity of yours. But from what I have experienced I offer my humble advice.<br>Continue to do what you know is right. You'll be walking by faith and sheer will power because the way you feel (as you said you haven't even been taking calls) you probably want to crawl in a hole and not come out. As bad as it feels it isn't yet over. She may yet come back to you. I don't know what her problem is so I can't even guess as to what it will take, if anything, for her to turn around.<br>There is nothing good about having your guts rippped out in this way. When my wife told me she didn't want to be anybody's wife I reacted much the same way you did. It might help to know that often the spouse's initial drastic action is later reversed. I am presently working on our relationship and I think it has a good chance of survival. Of course I may be eating those words tomorrow, but I hope not.<br>Of course your relationship is not mine. Obviously, from what you described, there are different dynamics involved. Just wanted to say don't throw in the towel yet. I know it looks dark, but it can turn out differently.

I guess I am using this site to hide, because I don't have to answer the phone or the door.<p>To Nancy: <br>Thanks for the kind words. I do believe she is going though some kind of breakdown, could be menopause (or is it 'pause from men"). I've tried to keep communication open, see responses when she wants to. She won't even have dinner with me. Yes she calls when one of the puppies runs away and she want someone to help find it. Or yesterday when the frig broke-down, to come over with a cooler and ice packs, and to install a new thermostat... That' not communicating... that is taking me for a fool???<p>To Bruce:<br>Three weeks ago, she said she would wait, and not file until it had a change to "work it self out"... two days after her daughter's wedding she filed... Am i the fool?<p>I must have been!!!<p>I just had dinner with her brother who told me that it's not me, something isn't right but she won't listen to him either.

Timothy,<p>Your brother-in-law is probably right. It's not you. At least not mainly you. My wife will turn 40 in January. Even though my failures have cuased problems in our marriage I can now see that her impending 40th birthday is playing a big part in this thing. Last night she mentioned to me a preacher she saw on TV who was talking about how some people act when they're about to turn 40. How they stand back and re-evaluate their lives and map out future moves. <br>When a spouse's dissatisfactions with life in general combine with whatever dissatisfactions they have with you specifically, you find yourself fighting a beast with ten heads. You have to just back off for a while and give this thing a chance to gel a little. After a while you'll begin to see some lines of definition developing which wil give you a little better idea of what sort of actions you should take.<br>Of course the waiting itself is tough. But there is no alternative that I've found. You'll beging to develop some strength out of this that will help you. I know you can't see that yet but you will.