A few months ago my H told me he no longer loved me, but he was willing to work<br>on our relationship. We separated, with the understanding that we would start to date again, and go to counselling.<br>I have since found out that he has started an affair with someone he 'was just confiding in'. I think it started after he told me about his feelings, but I'm not sure whether I can believe him anymore. When I found out, he said it was over, that he had chosen to try and make our relationship work.<br>A couple of weeks later it was on again, he finished it again, saying it was out of his system, he didn't love her, and when he compared her to me, he realised how wonderful I was.<br>It is now on again, and he still loves her. He says what we were trying wasn't working, and we need a different kind of separation. We need to stop trying to work on our relationship, and to see each other as friends for a few months. He says he was resenting me too much to allow any feelings for me to grow, and what we were doing was stifling any feelings he might still have had for me.<br>In the meantime, he won't finish with her. He says that is something he has to work through himself, that his feelings for her are separate from his feelings for me.<br>I feel like I am letting him get away with him treating me like this. I know I should<br>keep the end goal in mind, and take the pressure off him. I know he should want to<br>come back to me, not because I have made him feel guilty.<br>I feel like he is having his cake and eating it, having me as a friend, and not<br>pressuring him to finish with her, and being free to carry on with her indefinitely.<br>I don't know how much I can take.<br>I feel that it is all pointless, how can I compete with a new woman, who is so much better than me (sexually)when he obviously doesn't care enough about me, to hurt me like this. He knows he is hurting me, but he won't stop.<br> Bev

Im so sorry to hear what your H is doing to you. It sounds to me as if YOU are the one trying everything. You tried counseling, talking till your blue in the face. YOU can only do so much. Maybe it is time to put your foot down and just tell him"Me or her". Tell him you cant continue to live like a pawn. You need to move on with YOUR life also. You need to be happy again. If your H cant stay faithful, wont go to counseling, wont talk, cant make up his mind anymore, there is nothing short of tying him up and making him listen to you. I wish you all the best.

I'm not at that point yet. Like Terri, I am not trying a modified Plan A. Even though he says we are not working on our relationship, I still am, by trying to show him that we can still have good times together, and to stop demanding he finishes with her.<br>It is more difficult now that we are living apart.<br>I do feel differently now, because before, I felt that I loved him unconditionally, that however he treated me, I would still beg him to come back to me. I am less afraid of losing him now, because of the way he has treated me. I know that I have a limit now, I don't know how much further he can push me, but I will know when I've had enough.<br>I just get so discouraged when I think about how much I have to fight against.<br>Bev

Bev,<br>She is not better (sexually or otherwise) than you. The excitement of being with someone new makes it seem better. <br>Second, you are not in competition with her. Why would you compete with someone of such low character and morals. Don't lower yourself to her level. I felt that I was competing with the OG also. At least at first. I then realized that there really was no competition. I wasn't trying to win my wife. If I had done that, then I would have been competing for her affections for the rest of my life. That's no way to live. <br>I give you credit for keeping up your attempts at reconciliation, even though the affair is still on. I don't think I would have that commitment. <br>I don't know what time frame you are talking about. When did all of this occur. How long have you been married. Do you have kids?<br>I am now 5 months into this, and only this week do I feel that we have made any progress. My wife's withdrawel is still visibly noticible. <br>Be strong. Keep your resolve. But, most important, keep your spirits up.

Bill,<br>My H told me he didn't love me 4 months ago. The affair has been going on (and off) for 3 months (or so he tells me).<br>We had only really been trying to 'rekindle' our relationship for a couple of weeks when I found out about the affair (a month ago).<br>I don't know how much longer I will give it. He has suggested an initial time frame of 3 months. We have agreed that we won't put any time limits on it, that he is not going to say to me in 3 months 'I'm not in love with you, so goodbye'. However, the risk is that he decides he wants to be with her, although she does sound unstable, the way she tracked him down when he was travelling on his business trip. I call her a bunny boiler (as in Fatal Attraction!)<br>Bev

Bev,<p>It sounds like you're getting pretty close to the point where you need to sever contact with your husband, and go into 'self-perservation' mode (plan B). You don't want to stay in plan A until you hate your husband and want to shoot him and the OW. You want to leave after you can't take the emotional turmoil of 'competing' with this OW 'fantasy'. <p>The longer you can last in plan A, the more he will notice the changes. But don't stay there too long. If the disadvantages of staying in contact with your husband are outweighing the benefits, it's time to write him a letter explaining this to him. Tell him of your love and committment, and why you need to sever contact, and offer to enthuastically participate in the marriage recovery when he is willing to give up the OW.

Bev,<br>K is right. You will eventually have to make a decision on when to cut the ties.<br>But, don't let the "I don't love you" words think that it's over. My wife told me she didn't love me, also. She said she hadn't had feelings for me for years. I won't go into why, or how. Only that I always loved her and took care of her. <br>Only recently has she told me she loves me. The first time was 3 weeks ago. It was not too convincing. The second time was today. When she said it, I heard it in her voice. The one thing that I was understanding about was that at least she wasn't lying to me. She didn't love me. She didn't want to tell me she did. So, when she told me, I knew it would be true. Keep that in mind. <br>Best luck.<br>

Bev,<p>Bill is on-target with the 'I don't love you' senario. Your husband doesn't love you now. That can change dramatically in the future.<p>Last year at this time my wife didn't love at all; she was in love with her OM. It took her nearly 9 months to eventually say 'I love you' to me. Three months after the affair ended.<p>Now she tells me this every day. And I hear her 'brag' to her friends or our kids about how wonderful I am. There's an emotional need that's now getting met in spades!<p>Keep the faith, and take care of yourself. This process can be hard to go through, but you can be successful with it.

Bev,<br>One other thing. Although he tells you that he doesn't love you, don't assume that he loves the OW. My wife told me that she didn't love the OG. Yes. She used the word with him. But, it meant nothing to her. She is trying to explain how confused she was, and still is. This is one of the reasons she did not want to tell me. Until she was sure. We all like to think that the person we married is, basically, good. I still like to think that. That it took a lot of issues to bring them to the point where they would do this. There is more going on in your husband that caused this, than you. <br>Do you, or your husband, go to therapy? If you can't get him to go with you, then go separetly. You are going to have to come to terms with this, yourself. You have to know that you will be happy if he comes back. What you feel counts too. It's not just him.

Bev,<p>I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had really good advice to give, but I am not well-read in this area.<p>I can tell you that I had a boyfriend that wanted to be with another woman before. (I know that a boyfriend doesn't match a husband, but it is the only thing that is close to your situation)<p>When he told me that he wanted to see her, I did alot of things to keep him. I acted like it was OK, (it wasn't, and it didn't work) then I told him that it was NOT ok for him to see her, (this didn't work either). I finally told him that I understood how he felt, and that he would have to understand that I wasn't going to wait around for him, and that I wouldn't be "turning down" dates.<br>After he thought that I had started dating someone, he asked me not to, and everything went back to a committed relationship.<p>I know it was a silly game, and is not the same as married life. I just don't know if I could wait for my H. to finish being with someone else, and let him think that I was waiting around for him.<p>Bev, please forgive me for not giving better advice. I hope that your husband comes to his senses, NOW! Please take care, and let us know how things are going.<br>

Dear Bev,<br> I know how you are feeling. My husband of 10 years filed for a divorce and moved out. I later found out that he had been talking to a woman for a few months before he moved out. He said that she knows how he was feeling because she was going through a divorce her self. Well I know that things went beyond the friend stage and needing someone to talk to. He began spending the weekend's at her house and basically doing everyhting with her. But he still come over to out house alot and still did things with me and our girls. She even had the nerve to come to my house and want to talk to me about our problems. I told her that it was none of her business. This woman is 46 yrs old and he is 29 yrs old. But I have to say that he has finally broke it off with her and he came to me about a week ago and asked me if he could come home and try and work things out. I told him that he would have to tell her in front of me and that he was to have nothing else to do with her. Well he did and she was very upset. He told her not to call him anymore. Well we were moving some of his things out of his mothers house and she called him upstairs in his room. She has some nerve. She even called his mother and wanted her to talk to him and try and get him to change his mind. She thinks that he is making a mistake. Well me and her are going to have a little talk. Since he has been back we are working through all of the problems that we had and are getting along better than we have in a long time. Our divorce is final. But we are very happy. So if you want things to work out there is always a chance. We are proof of that.<br>Good Luck<p>Angel<br>ev,<br>