Been a while, really had just given up. After 11yrs (this month) of marriage, we separated in July. To this day, she still does not know whether she wants a divorce or not. Only can't handle any expectations from me or anyone else. But, she still has plenty of expectations from me. We see each other 6 times a week doing the baby run, and we go out to eat as a family alot still. We talk on the phone each night and every thing is fine as long as I don't mention the relationship or her coming home. Has to be as nothing ever happened and almost like we were never married. Yet, this week she shows up at 11pm wanting sex and spends the night (1st time since Aug 8). It's aggravating as hell. Just when my heart strengthens a little in effort to let go, she pops up and screws me all up again. I dont know whether to start the motion again or run,run,run. I feel she should either make the commitment or leave me alone. Enough of this cake and eat it too stuff. It's kindof like she wants me when she's lonely and I can do something for her, but don't even ask for her to return the favor. What do you think? Keep trying or cut it clean? This after 3 affairs of hers and one of mine. Is there too much crap, as she puts it, to deal with and would it just be better and easier to start over elsewhere? Yes, I love her to death and have my arms wide open for her, but my heart is scared big time and I feel used. What is a guy to do???

Question : Do you want to remain married to her?<BR>Assuming you said yes I will try to give you some advice from the other side.<BR>Accept the happy conversations that you have. Those are great. Don't bring up the relationship. By doing so you will make her feel the need to defend her feelings and lack of indecision. This will bring out a fight or flight reflex. Neither you want. Just act like you are okay with whatever she wants. She wants to be apart or divorced even. Let her know you don't want that but are willing to accept that if you must. Then let her believe you are okay without her. This is a bit of reverse psyhcology but it works most of the time. Just suggestions... I know I have never wanted my now exhusband more than when he is perfectly fine without me and not pushing me for anything. Good luck.

LHC2,<BR>If you want to save your marriage, you must continue to plan A her. That is the only thing that works. If you confront her that will probably drive her away.<P>You didn't say whether a om was in the picture now. My guess, sorry, is yes. She still comes to you because you are meeting some of her EN, but yet she refuses to commit, so IMHO, someone else is meeting those needs too.<P>After discovery, my x started sleeping in the nude and making love to me in the middle of the night. This really freaked me out in a good sense as that hadn't happened ever in our marriage before. As soon as I mentioned it in a counseling session, it stopped and I found that the a was continuing.<P>Again, IMO, she is testing you. If you falter from Plan A, as I probably did, you may lose her.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

Thanks twurtle, it's just that I simple don't understand all this. She wants a divorce, she doesn't, she wants to be apart, yet she wants me to take her out, she wants us to go out and have fun--the two of us or the three of us as a family, yet she can't commit to come home, be a wife and just do those things. I can't help but feel I'm wasting my time, energy, emotions, and,yes, money. She says expect nothing from her. She even got defensive when I said I must expect her to be honest and want to be with me when we go out. Guess those were not needed to be said, but I feel like she goes cause she knows I'll pay for the evening and she won't have to put forth any effort. Maybe it is an effort for her just to go, I don't know. I'm sorry, just feels like it would be less painful just to let go and spend my energy finding someone who cares for me and is not reluctant to show it. I don't understand why talking about the relationship, which she incedently says we don't currently have, is such a problem. How can you fix problems unless each understands them and is willing to talk about them honestly? I'll say it again, I feel like I'm being used for easy entertainment and free meals w/o commitment until Mr. Right shows up. How could she do that, you might ask, she's been really doing it for years. Why keep putting time and energy into someone who acts like they'll never know what they want from you? Why not find someone who does? If I ever figure this out, I'll be a very smart man. Is it worth it is the question I deal with every single day. And, to the best of my knowledge, there is no OM. Never have had any type of clue since the separation of one.<BR>She says she doesn't want another man in her life cause he would only come with expectations as well. She just wants to be carefree and enjoy herself without any expectations from me or anyone else.<BR>LHC2

I left my wife 6 weeks ago because she wanted to argue all the time.<P>I moved 900 miles away and leaving her hurt her big time, so she filed for divorce.<P>We talk on line but all she wants to do is argue, the very thing that drove me away from her to begin with.<P>Her whole converstion is made up of sarcasm and accusations of infidelity because I talk to other women on the net.<P>I told her I dont want anyone but her, and will come home is soon as she wants, and that she should be more concerned about the women I meet f2f, rather than get all bent out of shape about women I talk to on the web.<P>I don't bother her about working things out. That is up to her. I only let her know I will if she wants to.<P>But we never get past the stage of her hurling insults, accusations and sarcasism at me, and threatening to continue with the divorce.<P>I guess she figures she can control me with that, which, to some degree is true.<P>But I left her knowing full well what the conseqences would be, so if she follows through, that is her choice.<P>I also don't blame her for being hurt, that is why I don't argue back with her. I just let her blow off all the steam.<P>Don't know how it will work out, but it sure is stressful.

LHC2,<P>I told you you could come here and vent, and you can. So often people on here will say something funny like, "What is your status? Married or Separated or Divorced or what?" The funny thing is, there are sort of "in betweens" like you. You're not really married, but you wish you were; you're separated but she keeps coming over; and there isn't a divorce yet--that you know of. So, what the h*** are you, right?<P>I know just how you feel. Every time I think I'm getting my footing or figuring something out, I get hit again right between the eyes. Then I don't know WHAT to do. So I think about it, figure out what to do, and just when it's starting to go a little better, WHAM another thing happens that knocks me off my feet. Right? Isn't that just how it feels?<P>Well, I can't speak for everyone, but here are some things that help me. First, I always behave in a way that fits my own conscience, so I can live with myself. If I feel like it's wrong, I don't do it, even if it means gently hurting a little. Second, I have set a few boundaries of my own. For example, I dont' allow any overnites if we are not living together. That's a "perk" you get for commitment, not running away. Third, I have had to create a little safety boundary that is up until H proves he is serious about me, not just meeting his own needs. Luckily (?), he has never shown any interest in me, so I've never had to risk that yet. Last but not least, I decided to keep on trying until the ink is dry, and THEN it's time to give up. Some days, I actually feel like trying, and other days, it's all I can do just to not be a vindictive b**** back, but even just not being vindictive has it's rewards. Like I can look myself in the eye. <P>You have every reason to feel scared and used. You have every reason to be confused. It's confusing! But maybe, what might help you for a little while, is to put yourself in neutral until you feel a little stronger and better able to deal with all this. Is that something you can do? Maybe another thing you can do, that helps me a lot, is finding joy in small, daily things. Like, I have learned to love the sunrise and sunset. I let myself have fun by leaving my clothes on the floor and putting my shoes up on the coffeetable. I realize it's a little childish, but too bad. <P>Hugs to you today. Hang in there <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LHC2}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Faithful wife, you hit it on the head. Most days I don't know what to do. I have tried to put myself in neutral. Told her when she suggested dating and starting over that I would have to stay away awhile and lose 2/3 of my feelings for her to do that. How could I date her and pretend to be happy all the time knowing she was not coming home that night. She says look at the big picture and quit focusing on the present. That would be OK if I hadn't been trying for 8.5 of the 11 years we've been married. And, its like she has me on a timetable. Just when I'm feeling stronger and getting by, yeah, wham she hits me with a little something. Just when I thought sex with her was a memory, wham, she surprises me big time and screws me up. Makes love to me and follows it up with we have no relationship and don't expect anything from me. OK, scratch my watch or wind.......????<BR>Man, why cant I just find a good woman who knows what she wants, knows what commitment means and believes in til death do us part. I'm not sure, but I am holding fast to the belief that I'm not dead yet.

You're not dead yet! <P>You guys physically live in different houses right now, right? You know, in that case she has a little bit of a good point. There are times when the past can not be fixed, no matter how many times we mull it over and wallow around in it. What happened, happened and can not be "undone."<P>Do you think there are some things that you would be willing to let go? One thing I did that was very helpful to me was to literally write down all that things that were hurting me from the previous 12 months, and a few of the major ones from the whole 14 years. Then, I decided which ones I was willing to let go. The ones that I was not willing to let go, I asked, "What would it take to heal this so I could let it go?" Maybe doing something like this would help you too.<P>Hugs to you today. Hang in there, if you can.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.