A few months ago my husband said he felt there was no longer a spark in our relationship. He found someone else. During the month and a half that he remained in the house,deciding to leave or not, he emotionally/mentally abused me. He would assassinate my character and tell me what things turned him on about his new "love". I was so depressed and desparate that I took it. After he officially left I tried bargaining to get him back because I was frightened to be alone/unloved. I didn't like the person I had become because of this whole mess so I started to change. I did different things to improve my self esteem. I applied for a grant so that I could go back to school to finish my degree. I started doing things that I never participated in before (charity events and such). So I could help support my three children through this I started new family traditions (which the didn't like at first but now thoroughly enjoy) and started feeling really confident that I could make it without my spouse. I think I knew it all along but just didn't give myself enough credit. Now that I have changed some of myself my husband is wanting to come back. He's saying that he always loved me but had clouded judgement because of how he thought he felt for his "love". He is asking to come back and I don't know if I want him back. There are certain characteristics that he always had that I never cared for but put up with because I loved him unconditionally. I spoke with a therapist about my spouse wanting to come back and he said to take it slow. I agree but my spouse and I have always moved quickly in anything we did (including decisions). Since speaking to me about a possible reconciliation he broke it off with his lover and agreed to take steps to reconcile that he refused to do before he left. My trust has been shattered and he made me feel so BAD before he left that I am numb to his wanting to come back. I thought those were the words I really wanted to hear but once spoken I didn't want to hear them. Has anyone felt the same? My spouse is living in an apartment that he leased for 6 months, should I make him stay there until I am ready to have him come back? Or should I let him back in right away? He will agree to either. I don't want our marriage to be the same as it was before and he doesn't either but I don't know if I can give the effort needed to succeed in reconciliation. Am I normal? There is other things to consider as well and that would be family (mainly on my side, they are very angry with him because of what he did)and legal matters. Please give me some kind of assistance because I really need some feedback.

Alexis - <p>Sounds like you have gone through a lot of pain, but that you have taken up the challenge and bettered yourself through it. You are in a position of strength now because you are in control of your own life.<p>One thing I have realized in my own turmoil, are the inter-meshed roles of love and forgiveness in a life long relationship with a spouse. A lot of people posting here have been very hurt by their spouses, and yet they find the love in their heart to forgive, to hold on, hoping for a better outcome. I think it is impossible to think in terms of a life time comittment without forgiving... I think of the other family realtionships we have -with children and parents - why do we find it in ourselves to forgive their mistakes? What makes it so difficult to forgive our SO? If it is life time comittment that we seek, we have to look back at all the love we have given and received from our SO, and use that to consider forgiving them.<p>Right now you are very mistrustful of your H, and for reason. But you can now ask to build a new relationship with him (you can never go back to the old one - that is gone for ever..) - and if you both work together, a definitely better and stronger one. But we all have to remember, that we can never let our vigilance down again... building a better relationship will mean working at it every day... do you have the strength and desire for that? what about your children? how will your actions reflect on them? will they learn what it means to love and forgive?<p>Hope my rambling brings you some clarity... think of what you want from your H in terms of a life-time comittment, and then tell him. This is an opportunity to construct a new relationship, just as you have constructed a new YOU in the past months.<br>J

Alexis,<p>I suggest that you order 'surviving an Affair' from this website. I'd also suggest counseling for this.<p>What you need to do is to get a handle on the anger and resentment you feel, and manage it in a way that doesn't hurt your husband. Your feelings of betrayal and anger are perfectly justified, but they will only hurt you in an attempt for reconciliation. <p>That's why I'd suggest marriage counseling for you (both) to work on this. If you have so much anger now, it's better that you ask him to immediately start counseling and that you'd like to wait a bit before having him move back in.<p>You want to take stock of what happened in the past to learn from it, but your recovery is in the forward (future) direction. You don't need to relive the past pain. You need to have your emotional needs met. You need for your husband to eliminate lovebusters. You need to do both for him too.<p>The better you do at managing the resentment, the quicker you both will heal. Through my wife's affair I did an excellent job at this: it was 'easy' because I didn't have much anger, and only moderate resentment. But last Christmas I though would surely would be our last together. And through my "Plan A/Plan B" time I wondered why I was behaving so well (trying to eliminate lovebusters): I felt like a sap at times. But I knew that it's what God would want me to do.<p>And the earthly payoff is pretty nice too. Last night my wife thanked me for having faith in her, for being patient, and for making it 'easy' for her to come back and have hope for the marriage. We're more 'in love' than we have ever been. <p>That sacrifice doesn't seem so tough now. It's the right thing to do, and it's the best thing you can do for your own sake, and the sake of the marriage. See if you can get some counseling to help manage that resentment, and try to make your marriage a positive, safe place for your husband to return to. If he can do the same, I bet you'll be in the marriage you've always wanted.