I have a quick quesiton.....throughout the whole divorce thing, I've always been civil and held my tongue when my STBX has lashed into me for reasons I don't understand. For some reason I am the one at fault here for everything. My daughter has to go to outside counseling in addition to what she is recieving at school because the counselor at school and her teachers have noticed she's just not there, mentally. She's showing alot of anger and refuses to do her work in class. Of course this is my fault as well. Even though I wasn't the one who's having the affair or left the home. This is all starting to anger me to the extreme. I'm tired of being blamed for EVERYTHING, I'm seeing the results of her selfishness on my daughter and yet somehow I remain civil to her while she berates me and treats me like crap whenever she can. How long do I have to keep this up? I've been doing it strictly for my daughters sake but I'm reaching the end of my rope, do I have to take it? Guess the bitterness is starting to take it's toll. I can't believe I love this woman. Thanks for letting me vent, again. Jax

Jax buddy,<P>I'm on the same ship with a different crew doing the same to me. To make it worse, we're in the middle of a custody evaluation for our 4 y.o. D. For 4 months before D day, I did nothing wrong, it was she who changed (in her words). Since D day, everything's my fault, her excuse is to accuse.<P>While on phone with W the other day, I suggested that she set aside one day to do something special with D. Her response is "I took her for ice cream the other day and I went to the playground with her today." She just doesn't get it, I mean do something that takes more than 5 minutes, some kind of "field trip" or outing that is a whole day affair. I told her that I ALWAYS put daughter ahead of myself. She has not, for if she had, she would have tried to save the marriage instead of throwing it away for her HS crush from 24 years ago.<P>It seems like there's a lot of chemical imbalances in WS's on these boards.<P>Hang in there, we all know how tough it is. Before my custody meeting with Psy. last week, I found a Catholic church near his office and spent 45 minutes in there on my knees. WS's are not capable of such introspection.<P>Jay<p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited November 05, 2000).]

Hey Jax,<P>You come in here to vent. Don't do it out there. You be the good guy. I know how it feels, but keep being the level headed easy going guy. Just keep absorbing the blows and come in here for emotional support.<P>I'm putting up with some of the same stuff, and I'm holding my tongue. Until my D is final, and then I'm going to tell her how it really is. I've never really thought of myself as a man before, just an adolescent in a 40 year old body but now I know what the right thing for me to do is. And that is hold my head up and not lower myself to someone else's level. It's part of my plan A. Only now my plan has absolutely nothing to do with her. It's all about me, finally.<P>Find your spirituality wherever it may be, and know that doing the right thing is always the right thing. Hang in there....<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Jax,<P>I know it has been a little while since you asked this question, but it's a good one. One thing that bothers me immensely is that all too often I hear you guys say how awful your STBXs are being to you, and I'm not denying that in any way, but the door does swing both ways. My STBX husband is so cruel to me it stings. Just plain mean and cruel on purpose. And I must admit, on an occasion I just want to tell him where he can shove it. But the fact of the matter is, I am not the kind of person who can just go around intentionally hurting people--even those who hurt me. I would thing less of MYSELF if I behaved that way. So when I am drop-kicked and stomped on, and I'm in my room crying because it hurt, I can at least say to myself, "Yeah, but I behaved well." <P>Sometimes the best I can do is just say nothing and literally bite my tongue. But once in a while I can be pretty civil and even a little bit nice. Once again, when I'm nice in the face of his vindictive behavior, I can at least take some comfort in the fact that I behaved well. I stood my ground and behaved in a way that I'm proud of, even in the face of adversity. <P>And when I absolutely can't stand it anymore, and the resentment and anger are boiling to the top, that's when I turn to God, because I can't take it, but He can. Mostly, I find God in the mountains (I hear He likes to hang out there), but sometimes I can find Him on the playgrounds and in the worship service. <P>Last, but not least, I leave you on this note. You know, this is not all YOUR fault. You contributed, and you did do some things wrong. But it is not all HER fault either. At times, to protect your own heart, you may think of her as the wicked witch from the west, but she's not. She is a person who also contributed and made some very bad choices. Don't let your heart get too bitter, because hate in your heart will consume you too, and I would hate to lose Jax. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jax}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Thanks all, and CJ yes I know what you're saying, the door does swing both ways and I'm being completely honest when I say that I have been civil to the point that it sickens me sometimes. To think that I may be a wimp for just taking her crap, but I gladly do it for the sake of not fighting with her and for my daughter. She has taken everything she has done and I mean twisted it around to make it seem that I have done all those things which I haven't. I'm trying to understand why she seems to place all the blame and not accept any for herself. I actually had a big blow out with her today on the phone. I brought up all the facts that everytime I sent an e-mail to her it was always and I mean always friendly, civil and to the point and how in her replies she always managed to put in a jab at the end of every single one of them designed to either hurt me or bring me down again. It's as if she relished the thought of controlling that reaction in me. She has yet to say one kind word to me or even offer a simple "I'm sorry" for devastating my life and destroying our family. She told me again today that she didn't have an affair. But to her and affair is strictly sexual, she doesn't understand that affairs can be emotional and later become sexual which this one has. She insists that an emotional affair is not an affair, therefore she never cheated on me till after we were separated and divorce papers were filed. Alas I'm trying and will continue to try and I shall remain civil in the face of cruelty. God when's that Nashville trip again? Jax

Hang in there, buddy. If you must know, I think it is too hard for some people to admit to themselves the hurt and harm that they have done to others. Thus, they will do anything to avoid it, to place blame/fault at the other guy's feet, and to try to wiggle away from it--even to the point of making up events that never happened. My point here, though, is that YOU know what did and did not happen, and YOU know how you did and did not contribute to causing this, and YOU know how you ought to behave. Even if she totally is in DENIAL, you need to do what is right for you, and that is to be the bigger person.<P>That s*cks doesn't it? Just once, wouldn't you like to throw a hissy fit, and kick and scream like a child does? Sorry, buddy. You are a man now, so do what you know you should and be proud of the way you are behaving. I'm proud of you. Good Job!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Hi Jax,<P>Long time no see. I didn't see your thread the other day when I was on.<P>Your question is a good one. I can relate because I have been civil to my ex the whole way thru with one exception, he hadn't seen his kids in a month and showed up at my house to say hi to the kids on his way to someplace with OW's SON in the car. I was furious because he can spend his day off with OW's kid and not his own. To me that was very awful of him and I told him he should be ashamed to let the kids call him daddy right now and does OW's son call him daddy yet.<P>It was wrong and I was hurt for my kids, but damn it, it felt good!! He was shocked cuz of months of Plan Aing away, after we took seperate paths, I just still treat him nice. Mostly cuz it confuses him and he's always out to hurt me so I have to do something.<P>I guess in front of the kids you should always be this way. I don't see the harm, when no kids are around , in saying, look , don't think for one minute I actually consider you my friend. You are a cheater and a liar and I don't want to waste more time than I need to dealing with you. I'll be decent in front of the kids, but don't expect anything more from me when they are not around.<P>So I did do this and he looked at me like he couldn't believe that I, would dare say that to him. I do believe in treating others as you expect to be treated but the way he treated me over the last 10 months, I was at the end of the rope.<P>He doesn't bother me too much now days, he is just mad that I didn't introduce him to my boyfriend when he dropped the kids off. Boo hoo hoo. lolol<P>Hang in there and be good in front of children, but if no one else is around, you do what makes YOU feel comfortable. We have a right to be angry too!!!! Not only that, its not just anger or bitter, its just having a low tolerance for people wasting our time .<P>Prayers and hugs,<BR>Dana<BR>