Hi everyone,<P>it has been such a long time since I have given you an update on me and my life. I'll try to keep it relatively brief, uncomplicated and un-confused, but so much has happened and the rollercoaster seems to be getting faster......<P>First of all, our divorce proceedings go to court Dec 5th, and then 2 weeks after that it's final. Shocking time to file, isn't it, just before Christmas, however, I'm at the stage where I just want it over, and it will probably be a relief.<P>My current problems with him stem from the fact that I have gone back to work, as a flight attendant, and the childcare arrangements have turned into my worst nightmare. I have a 0440 a.m. sign on, and<BR>he stays at my house the night before, so he is here to wake up with the children, get their breakfast and get them to daycare etc. He generally arrives at my house after I have gone to bed, and obviously I don't see him at 4 a.m. ......... He was also picking them up from daycare when I had to work in the evenings, and then sitting with them here until I got home.<BR>That worked fine, until it started interferring with his life, both his personal life and his business life. This interferrence took about 2 weeks to raise it's ugly head, and then the conversations went something like this<BR>"what are you going to do about your roster? It's not a very good roster, how do they expect you to do a late, then an early, and why haven't you got a weekend off, and why haven't you got 2 days off in a row....."<P>I actually failed my check flight as the night before he had phoned and yelled at me for about an hour and told me how much this was interferring with his life.<P>Well, life settled down, and things were sort of ok. Sort of. Then he got a new girlfriend. His 5th in the year and half that we have been broken up. But this one could be serious he tells me. OKay, I can deal with that too.... just add it to the bundle of things that I need to deal with.<BR>Now the trouble really starts.<BR>How must his girlfriend feel that he is spending so much time at my house (even tho I'm not here) and even spending the night...<BR>Not too good I imagine. So, he makes my life even harder by constantly telling me how much he is doing for me. So, I say to him "well, I'll quit and get another job."<BR>He says he doesn't want me to do that, he knows how much I love my job, and that we'll work it out and get through it.<BR>Then, the lies start again. The lies about Julie. He told me that the weekends that he had the children, she would not be there. Let me make one thing clear, I made no ultimatums, or orders that no-one could be there when he had the children. This is all what HE said to me. I phone to say good morning to the childen, and surprise surprise, she is there. This has now happened 3 weekends in a row. When he still keeps telling me that she will not be there when he has the children. He tells me that there are 'circumstances' as to why she is there, circumstances that he doesn't have to explain to me. Yep, he owes me nothing, not even explanations, but I do have a say where my children are concerned, and I will have that say. So, I think to myself, how can I solve this problem. So, I pay a babysitter to do the evenings. He now has his evenings free, free to spend them with her as and how he sees fit. But that is still not enough. He has turned that around to be that I am stopping him from spending time with his children. I remind him that he has said to me on numerous occasions that his helping me out is interferring with his life, and his response was "that problem has been sorted out, and is no longer a problem." I let him know that I was trying to make both our lives a little easier, and smoother, but obviously I have done the wrong thing again.<P>Yesterday was the final straw. He only had to have the children until 2 pm. He rang on my mobile and asked if he could take the children to his house for a swim, and could I pick them up from his house on my way home from work. I said yes, not a problem. Then I find out from the children that Julie was there as well. Now, he had stayed at my house the night before (well, he arrived at 3 a.m.) and I was going to be back by 2 p.m. Why did he have to involve her with my children yet again. They had Friday night to be together, Sat. night (until 3 ) to be together, and Sunday after 2 pm. Is that not enough time.???? Am I being unreasonable here. And the fact that I found out from the children that she had gone swimming with them. I really feel that he is trying to push me out of the way, and replace me. My heart is palpitating as I write this, with fear that my children will not love me. He and her are the 'goodtime' people, not the ones who have to deal with the day to day, the discipline, the saying 'no' etc etc etc. Why would my children want to be with me, when the can go to Daddy and Julie and have a better time. This is just breaking my heart.<P>Anyway, moving on, 3 things have happened over the last month that have also had me in a spin. <P>1/ we've actually had conversations. He hasn't left my house the minute I have walked in the door. We've not discussed anything personal, just our work, but at least it was a conversation.<P>2/ it was our 10th wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago. He left a message on my mobile saying he wanted to say hi, and that he was thinking of me.<P>3/ we had to give our daughter her birthday present, which we had decided to do together. He offered to bring takeaway in, and suggested about 7, or 7.30. I told him that was a bit late for the girls, could we make it 6, or 6.30. He said that he thought it would be nice just for us. Not the children. We spent a lovely evening. We played Bridgit's game, put them to bed, and then sat and had fish and chips. Again, nothing personal, but the conversation flowed.<P>I know these are such small things, but to all of us going through this, these small things could mean so much. Or maybe nothing.<P>Anyway, to go back to yesterday, when I found about the swimming, I rang him and told him that I was tired of him having no respect for me or my feelings where another woman was concerned. He responded with the usual 'you can't dictate who I spend time with, and when'. I know I can't do that. But I can ask for a little bit of respect. That's what I told him. I let him know that he has so much spare time when he doesn't have the children, couldn't that be spent with her. Does she need to spend so much time with them.? Then came another punch in the stomach. His parents are visiting from interstate this weekend coming. He wants the children. It's going to be him, Julie, my children and his parents. Happy happy families. Yes she's going to meet them, I don't have a problem with that. But again, they are here for a week, can't the 4 of them go out for dinner during the week, every night if they want. Why can't the weekends be reserved for my kids. BTW, these are the in-laws that don't know he had an affair, and this is all my fault. They think that he had a little crush on a girl at work, I couldn't handle it, so I left him.!!!!<BR>He says he will tell them the truth while they are here. Hmmmmmm, do I believe that.?<P>The way it stands at the moment, I have changed my roster so he doesn't have to be here, or see the children. He is free to do what he wants, when he wants, and with whom he wants. But he is unhappy about that too. He wants to see the children a lot, he wants Julie, he wants, he wants, he wants.<BR>There has to come a time when I put my foot down, and say 'hang on, I figure in here too.' I'm tired of giving him what he wants, only to have sand kicked in my face. And by sand, I mean Julie. He cannot have his freedom, and his children. There has to be some price that he pays. Please don't misunderstand me here. I'm not looking to make him 'pay' or get revenge, or hold his children over him. But he cannot have it all ways. And I think that's what he wants. And in the meantime, I lose so much, and struggle with so much, and have to accept so much. All of which I do accept. But I don't have to roll over and die for him. I do need to take some power back. I need to gently remind him that he has made his choices, and with those choices comes a price that has to be paid.<P>Am I wrong here?<P>He is only seeing the fact that he has had unlimited access to his children, because he has been helping me out. Now that is stopping, I'm stopping him from seeing his children. What I'm doing is stopping her from having so much time with my children. Yes, she's in his life, and yes, she will see and interact with my children. I'm quite realistic about that. But I can have a say in how much time she spends with them, and I will have that say.<BR>Please tell me I'm not wrong here. I don't want to be the bitter exwife who uses her children. I want to encourage their relationship with their father, but I'm not ready to be replaced.<P>I appreciate all your feedback. I'm sorry if this is longwinded and confusing. I'm not going to re-read it, so if there are mistakes I apologise.<P>thanks for helping<P>Jo

Jo,<P>I really and truly feel for you. I can only imagine how it must feel because I haven't had to deal with it yet. <P>What the non-custodial parents don't realize is just how much we struggle for everything that we have and how much time we have with our children. <P>Your stbx needs to realize that he cannot have the children all of the time. If that's what he truly wanted he wouldn't have had an affair and left. It doesn't sound to me like you are trying to keep the children away from him. It sounds like you are being very accomodating. He complained about the time he HAD to spend helping you, so you made it easier for him. <P>Do you two have a custody agreement done thru the courts?<P>Mitzi

Hey Mitzi,<P>thanks for that.<P>The custody arrangements will be that the children reside with me, and access is on an 'as agreed to by the parties' arrangement. So I guess if there's no agreement, there's no visitation.<P>Whenever I say that, I feel as tho' I am holding the children over him. I don't mean to. But, as I have had to be realistic about the situation, and the situations that still keep happening, so too does he.<P>He just doesn't get that. Or doesn't want to understand that. He doesn't see the fact that I am trying to get some control back in my life as a good thing for me. He only sees it as I am stopping him from seeing his children and trying to control him.<P>I have never asked any questions about her. I don't even know how long they have been seeing each other. I have never given him problem phone calls, or begged and pleaded with him to come home, so how can he say that I am trying to control his life. I have simply let him be, to do what he wants. I don't call him, unless the children want to speak to him, or unless it's about the childcare arrangements. I don't understand anything anymore.<P>I'll be back on tonight to see if anyone else has magic words of wisdom. I feel as tho I am becoming the bitter twisted ex wife, just because I want to take control of my OWN life. Not his. I just want to be left alone, to try and find some peace within all this. I do want to encourage the girls and their father to have a good relationship. <P>But I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he is now sneaking around the issues of Julie and the children. If she is that important, why is he not saying to me, "Jo, when I have the girls this weekend Julie will be here". There's not a damn thing I can do about it. And in all honesty I don't want to do anything about it. I do trust him not to let anything happen to them. They seem to like her. Why can't he be honest. No matter how much I tell him that the issue is not him and Julie, but my children, he just does not understand. He thinks that I'm giving him grief about his new relationship, and trying to control who he sees and when. I must need a man to teach me 'man-talk' coz I'm obviously speaking a foreign language when I speak to him!!!!. <P>thanks, hopefully I'll talk to you tonight, although it will be early morning for you.....<BR>I have to get ready for work now, I go to Sydney twice today!!!!!!!<P>talk to you soon<BR>Jo

Hi - like you, I am also being "replaced". My STBXH is getting married to his OW two weeks after our divorce is supposed to be final. His betrayal has been devastating for me, felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me. While we were married, he was a dad when it was convenient for him to do so and made an especially good show of being the devoted parent when we were all out in public together or at social/family gatherings. He now lives out-of-state so is the typical "Disneyland" dad - when our daughter goes to visit him he does super fun stuff with her and then puts her back on the airplane to come home. I have to deal with school, homework, after school stuff etc. He is "so in love" that he does not discuss the divorce or me with our daughter - only talks about himself, his fiancee and their new life together and what they will do next when she visits. He is repeating the same pattern and life that he had with me only, in his mind, this time it will be different because of his new love and the reason for his unhappiness in our marriage was because of me. I am also trying to carve out a life for myself and apart from him but it is hard when his actions are often a real slap in the face to me. Some examples - 1) he lied about his OW to me for 6 months after my initial confrontation with him about the affair - made up that he was involved with a fictional person so that I would not know it was someone from his work,c2) she bought dishes that I would have picked out for us also except that when we were first married said he hated that type of pattern, 3) they are getting a dog - said to me he never wanted a dog because of their barking and destructiveness and 4) she loves to entertain, something I also loved but wasn't encouraged to do because he did not like social/family gatherings. I need to set up good boundaries with him and others in my life so that I do not repeat same patterns/mistakes in my future life.

{{{{{{{{{JO}}}}}}}}}}<P>Long time no see?? Sorry to hear the circumstances. I'll try to comment on everything you posted, I should have made some notes first!!<P>It kind of sounds like your still not too sure about the divorce?? How are you feeling about this?? Are you OK with it?? <P>My ex left ON XMAS DAY. Served D Papers on Valentine's Day. We wound up divorced a few days before our wedding anniversary and were together 11 years. <P>I'm sorry to say that when it happened, it most certainly did not feel like a weight had been lifted, it hit me a lot harder than I thought, and I went thru he!! and back with ExH.<P>I just want you to take some time and be ready because it really is a hard thing, no matter how ready you are, when you find out its FINAL. <P>It is just not what I thought it was and hope you will be ok to deal with that a few weeks before xmas.<P>I'll be struggling myself this year at xmas.<P>It sounds like your ex bounces from relationship to relationship. Its nice that he was so helpful with your schedule and job. I bet the "julie" has something to do with most of it. <P>Also, its only my opinion, but no matter how serious a relationship is, its not good to have the kids meet someone "too soon" like that. How are your kids with "julie"?<P>I imagine your job would be hard with the children being a single mom, it is great that he was helping like that before. I hope everything goes well for you as you change your hours.<P>Sending prayers and hugs,<BR>Dana<BR>

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong here but here goes.<BR>1. Sounds like for a non-custodial parent who gets visitation only when you allow, he has been very helpful with accomodating your schedule.<BR>2. Don't understand why he needs to stay at your place so often. Seems like that would only confuse the children more<BR>3. If necessary for him to stay, there's no way I would stand for her staying there. Not a children issue, it's your place and she has no business there, and as I said before, his business there is questionable. If he wants to stay there and be with the kids, he needs to move there, be their father, and be a husband to their mother.<BR>4. As far as being around Julie or any other woman, why hide it. If he's gone and you know it, why cover up the facts. The children know it. What if he or you remarry, would your spouses have to leave when the children were there? Maybe Julie is good to them and they like her, but you are still there mother and she'll never compete with that. Take a deep breath and calm down.<BR>They're gonna see another person in each of your lives someday, why fight about it now?<BR>Just my opinions, hope they help, and hopefully I can say the same to myself when the stbxw has a new one.

I know what you are going through...I can understand your pain.<P>Letting go is so hard...Let me give you an example.<P>My ex emailed me and said we needed to talk about the holidays. I had Thanksgiving so he would have Christmas, but daughter wanted Christmas at home (with me) so I could have both holidays and he would take weekend. He said he would take New Year if that was ok.<BR>OK...I was mad..he did not want his kids on either holiday because he has other plans with the cow (OW). I called a friend and she said "Well, arent you glad that you get the kids both holidays?" <BR>I thought, how lucky I that I get them...<P>He can go spend time with the cow...I cannot control him...I can only control myself. I can only make myself look the greatest for the kids sake. I refuse to let his life and how he wants to live it effect mine...(at least I try). <P>I know it hurts in your situation...you are not yet divorced. This women has no competion with your children...they are your children, you are their mother, you tuck them in bed at night, ect ect no one can take your place.<P>I also feel like my inlaws rejected me for what ever new women my ex has...that is their problem...<P>IMHO yes, you have the right who can come and go in your house...I would not like the cow in my house...<P>Letting his decisions effect you and control you is letting him win. It took me so long to figure that out about myself.<BR>It is my ex's loss that he wants to spend time with a cow and not his children, it is my gain that I can have both holidays and show them how much I love them. I can let him make me mad or not...it is up to me. I have decided that him making me mad is his way of controlling me...I am ready to be in control.<P>I do not know if this helps...I was trying to anyway...no matter it all stinks. Hold your head high...

thanks everyone for replying. It is so good to read what other people think. It's so good to get other perspectives and thoughts, and I appreciate them all.<P>Barrington - isn't this just the worst. I'm so sorry about your situation. How can he be ready for marriage 2 weeks after a divorce? Where are these men's heads at?<BR>You hit the nail on the head when you said that your ex-h is repeating the same pattern and life that he had with you. That is exactly what I feel my H is doing. All our problems were my fault or doing, of course it had nothing to do with him.<P>I loved your last line. You need to set up good boundaries with him and others so you don't repeat the same patterns and mistakes.<BR>Haven't we grown and learnt so much through all of this. I know I have. And I hope I'll be and better and stronger person one day because of it. Don't know when, but at least I'm hoping. You will be too. Better and stronger. Growth and learning is always so good, no matter how we grow or learn. My philosophy anyway.<BR>Take care of you, and keep on being strong.<P>DanaB - thanks for that hug, it was the best. The only one I got today apart from those from my two precious angels. You're right about one thing, I'm not sure about the divorce. I have just gone through the last month admitting that to myself, and telling myself that I will hold off. I just didn't bother to call my solicitor. I don't know why I feel so unsure - he has still done nothing to encourage me along this path. In fact, quite the opposite. He has Julie now, she is meeting his parents this weekend, and he tells me she could be serious. He is moving on with his life at seemingly a great pace of knots.<P>We had talked about the issues of the children meeting someone so soon, however, he seems to have forgotten that conversation. It's too late now to remind him of it. Anything said by me where that is concerned will just be seen as controlling and interfering. The children seem to like her. They practice their swimming with her in the pool, or at the beach. Ouch, ouch, ouch, it hurts so bad.... They refer to her only as Daddy's friend, which is what he has told them. When she has stayed over at his house when he has had the children, she has slept on a mattress on the living room floor. My elder daughter told me that.<BR>It was great that he was helping me out, which let me work. But he held it over me too. Let me know how much it interferred with his life, and made me feel in no uncertain terms that he was doing me a huge favour. My job is great, I love it. But it's not worth what I seem to be going through at the moment. I have asked him that we put some space between us, because we were going round in circles, and he wasn't hearing what I was trying to say. I even suggested counselling, not marriage counselling, but counselling that would help us deal with these issues, and the issues of co-parenting.<BR>He didn't want to do that.<BR>Thanks for your prayers and hugs, they're coming right back at you.<P>LHC2 - thanks for your input. Obviously I've given you the wrong impression about some things. Here goes. Visitation isn't just when I 'allow' it, it was discussed between us every month when I got my roster. He has had them whenever he has wanted. For example, his parents are visiting from interstate for a week, and he wants them both weekends to allow them to see his parents. I don't have a problem with that. (Well, I do..... I despise them....) however I am not standing in the way of their relationship with their grandparents.<BR>He stays at my place so often overnight as the girls are only 2 1/2 and 5. We both discussed it, and felt that it would be best this way, as the girls were in their own home, with their own things. He is here to wake up with them, get breakfast, get them dressed and take them to daycare. <BR>I didn't mention that she had been here, to my house. I hope he's had the decency not to bring her here when I'm at work. To the best of my knowledge, he hasn't. I live in a townhouse complex, with some very good friends around me. I'm sure he would know that if he did bring her here, someone would see and let me know. I'm sure the children would tell me also.<BR>Why do you say his business here is questionable? In his eyes, he wants to see his children a lot more than what the courts would decide and this was our way of allowing that to happen. But it's been a struggle, for both of us. I agree with you when you say if he wants to stay here and be with the kids, he needs to move here and be their father and my husband. However, he wants his children but not me. And we're trying to find a way of dealing with that. Or at least I am. I genuinly don't want to hold the children over him, and I haven't to date. But at the same time, at the moment I can't handle seeing him here all the time. I need some space and distance between us. He needs to allow me that space and time.<BR>As far as re-marrying goes you're so right. And I have said that to him. But at the moment they are not living together, she 'could' be serious, and marriage hasn't been mentioned. At least not to me. Not that I expect him to run his plans by me for my prior approval, however, surely he would tell me something like that.... Maybe not..... My point is, at this early stage, why does she have to be there all the time. I have said to my H that of course if they move in together, or get married, I have to deal with that. And I will. But I have had so much adjusting to do, and so much accepting to do, that I would like a little bit of time with this one. I would like a little bit of respect for where my feelings are concerned with a new woman having so much contact with my children. I just don't think that's too much to ask.<BR>Thank you for your line "they're gonna see another person in each of your lives someday, why fight about it now?" You're so right. I don't think I am fighting, I'm asking for a little bit of respect. Whenever we have discussed this issue, there has been no raised voices, not on my part anyway.<BR>You're opinions have helped. I think I needed to be told to calm down, and take a deep breath. I guess I see red when I think about another woman with my children. Can't help it. It's not right. But that is my reality now. And I have to deal with that.<BR>Thanks for your response, I appreciate it a lot.<P>my3kids - thanks for responding. You ARE lucky that you have your kids. Holidays are so important for forming memories, and your kids will have happy memories of holidays spent with you.<BR>We can't control them can we? You're right, we can only control ourselves. And that is exactly what I am trying to do. Take control back of my own life. You know my story, I have tried so hard to understand why this has happened, and tried to understand where he is coming from in all of this. I have made allowances for everything he has done. He was exhausted from 2 horrible years in Sydney, he was emotionally wrecked from being sacked when he was the 'golden boy', he couldn't deal with a crying baby who didn't sleep for more than 1/2 hour at a time, he couldn't deal with his wife when she got depression.... All those things I made allowances for, and understood. And forgave. They were all the reasons that he had that first affair. But what has led me to this point is his behaviour since then. His complete lack of respect for my feelings. The selfishness. The 'if I don't get what I want, you're trying to control my life'. Yep, I know he doesn't love me anymore, so why would he care? But does he not really love me? Why the message on the phone, the fish and chips........<P>This really becomes all tooooooo much doesn't it. We can talk about it til the cows come home, but it doesn't change anything. In the words of a friend of mine.... build a bridge Jo, and get over it.......!!!!!!!!!<P>I'm glad you're ready to be in control. Thanks for your help, and yes, you did help.<BR>Hugs to you, and take care of you.