Sunday we go to a family dinner we have every year. 8 yo d asks STBX if she is going, and tells me that STBX said that she was not invited. OK, question, is that a fair response to 8 yo daughter from her? Does one always ask a WS if they want to go to a family outting when she does not want to be part of the family just to prove to the 8 yo d who turned the dinner down?<P>Then 8 yo daughter asks me if I am inviting anyone? and I say no. Hmmmm, that sounds a little investigatory to me. or little like "well if mom invites OM, shouldn't you invite OW?" and no I don't have an OW.<P>Then when we get there, my 85 yo aunt asks, "Where's what's her name?" 8 yo said, "What's her name says hello!" Well, I haven't told the rest of the family, so I tell my aunt I will talk to her later. So later comes, and I take her out of the dining room at the restaraunt, and told her why "what is her name" is not here.<P>So when kids had to call WHN tonight because they forgot some stuff for school tomorrow, WHN started asking 8 yo d who was there, did they know, what did dad tell them, how was it, question, question, question.<P>OK, so I believe that is an example of "pumping the kids for information." which the divorce literature at the mediator's/lawyers office said was inappropriate. Anyone object to that point of view?<P>OK, so how to I handle this? What I would like to say, and what I am going to say are two very different thoughts. But help me with the second, so the first doesn't come out.<P>I am tempted to bring the pamphlet along, which WHN got, and point out the piece, and tell WHN what she is doing is exactly what is not supposed to be done. I don't see that there is any way else that she will listen to me. And so 8 yo d is turning into a reporter, snitch, etc, and this needs to stop! <P><B> any suggestions? please! </B><P>BTW, WHN thinks she is a FKIA! where is Plan STK when you need it!<P>WIFTT<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited November 05, 2000).]

WIFTT,<P>My friend, you are in an area that is about as safe as the average minefield. I went through something similar, and played that silly game the lawyers advise against. Wound up with my daughter very angry at me, and it was over a year before she wanted to talk to me or visit me again. Time did resolve it, and I later got custody of all three children.<P>What I wish I had done differently: <P>I wish I had been able to just listen to my kids and not react or at least not overreact. I wish I hadn't responded in kind and start asking them about what she was asking.<P>When she started using the kids as spys, I wish I had called my lawyer and asked him to call her attorney and hope he would try to influence her. In the thirteen years we were married she only admitted to being wrong about something once, and that was when she said she thought she had made a mistake. She could never be wrong, period. <P>I wish I hadn't talked to my Ex about pumping the kids for information. She was already aware of the lawyer's advice not to use the children as snitches, but she thought that an exception had been made in her case. She just rationalized it, minimized and denied the effect it had on the kids, and gave me the customary ration of self rightous indignation. <P>Don't have a whole lot of wisdom for you, just sharing my own foolishness. Women have come and women have gone in my life, but the kids are forever. <P>There is a great one liner from the movie Legend Of Bagger Vance: "This is a game that can't be won and can't be lost, it can only be played." <P>Praying for you,<P>Bumper<p>[This message has been edited by Bumperii (edited November 06, 2000).]