I'd like to hear from some men with a low sex drive. My H has never been a sexual dynamo, but he has gotten worse. And to make things worse, I seem to be at my sexual peak! This does not make for a pleasant experience. We have three kids, and he works about 80 hours a week(he owns his own business, and the business is extremely busy--he usually doesn't come home until 9:00 at night.) He goes and says goodnight to the kids, and I make him supper(most of the time), then he watches TV. Now this had been a habit we got ourselves into and stayed into for a long time. I would work on the computer and go to bed--he would fall asleep on the couch or go to bed before me. My sex drive was not high at the time, and he says that I "trained him" into not wanting sex. <br> Well, one day, as I was trying to delete things off the computer to gain more memory, I happened across the temp. internet files. As I was going through them to make sure I wouldn't delete anything I needed, I found all these pornographic web sites that had been accessed. I was sick to my stomach as I read the names of these web sites- and very angry that this smut was on my computer, where our oldest son could have happened upon them as he explored on the computer. <br> Now, we are a Christian couple, so I never imagined finding out my very well respected husband was doing this. I didn't take this well. We ended up having a very serious talk about this--he admitted that he did this on 3 or 4 occassions--and was actually glad that I had caught him (he said it was an answer to prayer). One of the comments he made as I was tearfully and emotionally spilling how I felt about him not making love to me in so long(we'd go for a coulple months at a time without), and here he's lusting after other "women" on the internet--and he said he felt nothing. It did not arouse him at all(and he alluded to the thought that maybe he was trying to find out if he could get excited). He apologized, I forgave him,and we made up--and I know he won't do that again.<br> But here is where the real problem lies: I prayed that God would heal our marriage and make it better than ever (and that he would restore my sex drive). Well, he answered my prayer in a big way-I seem to want it all the time! It was great--even after the feelings that I had had about my H because of what he did behind my back, God healed my anger and disgust. He gave me renewed love for my husband that I hadn't felt in a long time. I wanted to be close to him whenever we were together, and make love. I bought lingerie, which I hadn't done in ages(and I'm only 35). We made love 3 days in a row, which was a record! I thought our marriage was back on the right track. But since then, a month later, we've only "done it" once- and it was only because I forced the issue and wouldn't take no for an answer. <br> I have told him how much I feel love for him and how much I need him to show me love in that way. I've gotten rejected every time I try. He said why can't you just let nature take it's course? Right! If I didn't do anything to try, it wouldn't happen! Everything else in the relationship is fine, but I feel an incredible lack of love and self-esteem when he never gets turned on by me. He never tells me I'm sexy, which would be great to hear. <br> Now, to those of you who may be the husband who is like mine--what's going on? Is it a physical thing (he's not impotent and he enjoys sex very much when I can get him going)? Is it a mental thing(he's always been cautious about not getting me pregnant-withdrawal is our form of birth control, besides abstinance that is). He does work very long hours, and I know that it's hard to get in the mood when you're tired. He just started taking vitamins, hoping it will give him more energy. He will not go to the doctor to see if it's a simple hormone thing. He just doesn't seem to be trying very hard. Sometimes all I would like is for him to hold me, and caress me when we go to bed( I have made a new rule that we go to bed together now, every night). I even have suggested for him to relieve my sexual tensions, and he doesn't say no- but he doesn't make any moves to satisfy me either. In the old days, he would haved loved for me to ask that. I try to get him in the mood many different ways, but nothing works, and he just ends up falling asleep. <br> Why doesn't God answer my prayer for him as He did for me?<br> Are there any former low-sex drive men out there who have solved the problem who can give my husband some advice? I don't know if I can handle rejection one more night.

Sherl, your situation must be frustrating for you. I'm sure for many of the men who have wives that are not responsive, they wish they were with someone like you. There are some obvious questions and points to bring up, but then there may also be some "buried" issues.<br>First, don't blame yourself- there's nothing wrong with your initiating, and your husband's rejection is somewhat akin to saying "only when I want to respond or initiate on my terms". This isn't relating as peers. Seduction is an art that both men and women may require practice to be successful at, but it sounds like your husband is avoiding intimacy with you for other reasons. And yes, if you're 35, you should be entering your "peak" (it's a shame men seem to peak in the 16 to 18 age physically). (Btw, I'm 47, my ladyfriend is 48, and 3 to 5 times a week is our preferred frequency, though other obligations sometimes prevent that).<br>On the surface, it sounds like your intimate relations have become an area for possible power struggles. Is your husband the sole financial support of your family? 80 hours a week on a regular basis is not conducive to feeling like you have energy left over for your personal life. Your husband may have resentments (unconscious, probably) about that, yet it's so ingrained in many men that this is their primary function that they don't question it consciously, but that doesn't mean there isn't a "backlash".<br>Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books? Staring with "His Needs, Her Needs", there's a lot of helpful information. One point he recommends that couples need to spend significant "quality" time together every week. It's all too easy for married couples to fall into a "domestic rut" in which the nuts and bolts of family life take precendence over maintaining a healthy social and emotional relationship. Improving the emotional connection will usually improve "libido" in both men and women. I'd look for the answers there, not in any physical libido issue. <br>Good luck- the first step toward solving problems and improving rapport is becoming aware of the problems and seeking mutual solutions.

Sherl, your situation must be frustrating for you. I'm sure for many of the men who have wives that are not responsive, they wish they were with someone like you. There are some obvious questions and points to bring up, but then there may also be some "buried" issues.<br>First, don't blame yourself- there's nothing wrong with your initiating, and your husband's rejection is somewhat akin to saying "only when I want to respond or initiate on my terms". This isn't relating as peers. Seduction is an art that both men and women may require practice to be successful at, but it sounds like your husband is avoiding intimacy with you for other reasons. And yes, if you're 35, you should be entering your "peak" (it's a shame men seem to peak in the 16 to 18 age physically). (Btw, I'm 47, my ladyfriend is 48, and 3 to 5 times a week is our preferred frequency, though other obligations sometimes prevent that).<br>On the surface, it sounds like your intimate relations have become an area for possible power struggles. Is your husband the sole financial support of your family? 80 hours a week on a regular basis is not conducive to feeling like you have energy left over for your personal life. Your husband may have resentments (unconscious, probably) about that, yet it's so ingrained in many men that this is their primary function that they don't question it consciously, but that doesn't mean there isn't a "backlash".<br>Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books? Staring with "His Needs, Her Needs", there's a lot of helpful information. One point he recommends that couples need to spend significant "quality" time together every week. It's all too easy for married couples to fall into a "domestic rut" in which the nuts and bolts of family life take precendence over maintaining a healthy social and emotional relationship. Improving the emotional connection will usually improve "libido" in both men and women. I'd look for the answers there, not in any physical libido issue. <br>Good luck- the first step toward solving problems and improving rapport is becoming aware of the problems and seeking mutual solutions.

Jonmark, thank you for replying. It's nice to know that there are empathetic people out there! In reply to your post, my husband is the sole bread winner (although, my hobby of buying and selling collectibles brings in some spending money). I don't think he is resentful-this was an agreed upon plan for me to stay at home. And he really enjoys his work, and insists that he does not get stressed out. He's just run down all the time.<br> We have gotten much closer in the last month and a half--but only because I'm the one who has changed my mind frame. Instead of acting resentful because he comes home so late, and I'm exhausted from taking care of the house and kids all day, I have been making it a point to hug and kiss him much more--and sit with him on the couch instead of finding something else I could be doing. He says he likes that I'm paying more attention to him--but then when it comes to going to bed...I yearn for him to make "the moves", but he never does. Since God gave me back my libido, I'm a lot more aggressive, which may scare him! But when I hold back, nothing will happen. <br> Should I continue to be aggressive(which sometimes works-but mostly it doesn't and then I really feel bad with him laying next to me sound asleep, while I'm there in my sexy lingerie? (I think one point to bring up is that he feels pressured to perform when he knows I want it.) Or do I just go to sleep with him and take my chances that someday he will feel the urge?? What would you want your wife/lady friend to do in that situation?<br> We really do have a good relationship otherwise--all that's missing is sex and the closeness and completeness I feel when we do have it.<br> What if it is just a low hormone level? How do I get him to go to the doctor to find out? He said he will not go.

Sherl,<p> I know you asked for men with low sex drive to respond, and I'm certainly NOT that. (Shoe's on the other foot, sigh...)<p>BUT. 80 hours a week? I think that's a MAJOR part of your problem. There's GOT to be someway he can work less. I think a doctor would agree that this alone will reduce a man's ability to have sex, maybe his desire as well. (My wife is the workaholic in our family and I know that's part of the problem.)<p><br> I know running your own business is tons of work, but the idea of working hard is to get ahead, so you can ENJOY life. Your husband need to weigh his job against his, and your, happiness. He needs tim to relax, rest, recharge, and oh, yeah, make passionate love to his deserving wife - as often as she desires it!<p> Working 80 hours a week long-term just isn't healthy - physically or mentally. (Your H probably won't go to the doc because he KNOWS the doc will say "slow down".)<p> If he's working that much, money should either be pouring in - or he's in the wrong business. Maybe he should hire some (more) help?<p> He may think he's fulfilling his responibilites just by supporting you financially, he's obviously not. YOU need to come before his job. (Since I'm in exactly the same situation, I KNOW how it feels to be less important to my mate than her job!)<p>Keep swinging!<br>Val<br>The Husband

Boy, Sherl, I know how you're feeling!<p>It's very similar with me and my husband. He works many hours, then comes home and watches tv and plays on the computer. <p>He ignores my sexual advances and rejects most of them, and he never initiates sex. Yet, I know how to check the files on the computer and I know when and where he visits on the internet (those dreaded sex sites).<p>This is tearing me apart inside and I don't know what to do. Everything else about our marriage is great, we are best friends.<p>

Val, thanks for your input! Yes, 80 hours a week is excessive. He runs a construction co. and has hired people to take responsibility off of him, but when he does, they just get MORE work! I'm still trying to figure out if being tired takes away ALL desire--or if there's a bigger problem. (I'm sorry that you're having the same problem as I am.)

cat, boy, I'm sorry to hear that there's someone else going throught the same thing(but glad at the same time because we can relate).<br> I'd like to know more about your situation. Are you and your husband Christians? Do you have kids? Do you work outside the home? How often are you intimate? <br> My husband and I are best friends too. That's why it killed me to know he was doing that behind my back (that really affected the trust I had in him). But after I confronted him about it, I realized that none of us are immune to temptation (if he could be tempted to do that, anyone could). And I saw that he was really glad that I had found out, because he needed that to happen to stop. (Satan is very powerful). But, he also said that he didn't get turned on by what he saw (most men-and women-would say "yeah, right", but I believe him--especially since most of the things I try to get him in the mood doesn't work--the feeling just isn't there). Confronting him about it, and crying about it and sharing our feelings, and forgiving him when he apologized, and especially praying about it really made me feel closer to him. I really had to pray hard to lose the feeling of disgust, thinking of him looking at those pictures. (oh, and I have to tell you-the records of web sites visited in your computer are misleading. I saw website after website on my temporary internet files-with those disgusting smutty names-there had to have been a hundred of them. So when I over-reacted and told him he had to have been accessing them for hours--he said that it was only 3 or 4 times, for about 15 minutes each, and that most of the sites he clicked on didn't even load, so he'd click on the next one. One time I looked at the temp. files after I was checking out an auction site, and there were so many websites listed I couldn't believe it. When you view a website, all the sources for each picture or graphic on that page are recorded in your computer. There could be 20 different sources of just meaningless graphics on each page. I sure believed my husband after that! <br> Have you confronted your husband about what you know? Maybe he's in the same situation. Have you talked about why he doesn't want to have sex? Isn't it an awful feeling to get rejected?? I've cried myself to sleep many times. Is your husband affectionate outside of bed? <br> I am making plans for us to go to the Family Life Marriage Conference when it comes here. I'm hoping that we'll be able to figure out what's really going on between us then. Have you heard of it? You stay in a hotel for two nights, and attend the conferences during the day. You have to go back to your room after each session and talk to each other--really talk to each other. We went about 7 years ago, and it was GREAT! But we're ready for a tune-up. You should look into that--I'm sure it's familylife.com or something. Did you read His Needs Her Needs? I haven't yet, but plan to.<br> Well, sorry this is so long! I'll pray for you. It felt good to get my mind off my own problem!

Sherl,<p> One more thought occured to me. I have a friend who owns his own business. Apparently, people in his business who are as good as he is are very hard to find. As a result, he is swamped with business! (Too much of a good thing?) In fact, he is turning away new business and referring them to his competitors!<p> I would guess that your H has so much business because he is either: A) VERY good at what he does, B) VERY reasonably priced, or C) ALL OF THE ABOVE!<p> My friend also has the problem of not being able to hire people to work for him because he would be compromising his reputation if they did a poor job. <p> He HAS come up with another solution... RAISE HIS PRICES!!! That's right, if there's a supply/demand problem (too much demand in your H's case) then raising his prices would allow him to make more money while doing fewer jobs. This would also allow him to hire the best help and pay them well.<p> I know the concept of charging more is un-American (or, maybe it's all TOO American these days) but you do have a situation that warrants it. Maybe it's an option your H (and you, partner) should consider.<p>Val<br>(The Husband)<br>DISCLAIMER: Val, The Husband, knows nothing about running his own business, and apparently has enough problems with his own marriage that he's surfing this site for advice himself! So please accept his offering with 3 metric tonnes of salt.

Sherl:<p>80 hours of work a week? Whew! I don't think I'd have any energy left for 'bedroom sports'. (Some of you ladies are probably thinking: "Yeah, TELL me about it!")<p>As far as the pornography goes, well, it's not exactly a secret that it's often used in conjuction with masturbation. And masturbation is a quick way to get a sexual release with little effort (for most guys at least!). Making love to a 'reborn tigress' such as yourself might seem a lot of work by comparison. Really NICE work, to be sure, but still work to an already exhausted mere mortal man!<p>Besides reducing his work hours, are there any other options? How about making love in the morning after you've both gotten some rest? Some guys wake up ready for action anyway, if you catch my meaning!<p>Also, how does hubby feel about your method of birth control? Any other options there?<br>It would probably be more enjoyable for him if he could, well... 'finish inside'.<p>Legal Disclaimer: Doug's advice is based on his own limited sexual experience , and stuff he's heard around the water cooler. Your results may vary. <p>[This message has been edited by Doug (edited 12-18-98).]

Thanks, Sherl, for the condolences. It's great to talk to someone who understands!<br>I was raised a Catholic, and my husband has no religion (he is agnostic) so in times of trouble I find myself turning to God and completely away from my husband (which doesn't always feel very good, however, I never feel alone). <br>We don't have kids and don't plan on it anytime in the near future (we like our money and our freedom!) <br>My husband works full time (overtime every day) and I am not working at the moment, but going to college.<br>Our sex life is down to about once a week or once every two weeks now, but it feels forced to me. I don't think he's really into it. I initiate nine times out of ten and he rejects me eight times out of ten. I'm not subtle about it either! I'll rub him *there* or ask him if he wants to fool around, and he just laughs and changes the subject. <br>Needless to say, I don't think there's anything funny about it at all!<br>This sex on the internet stuff has really had a bad effect on my life. At times I wish it had never been invented. The worst part is, a lot of men think that since they don't understand why we get upset about it, we shouldn't! And if we are upset, they don't care about our feelings enough to stop!<br>But internet porn is a whole other story.<br>Let me give you another tip (we should broadcast this to every woman who owns a computer) - the Cache is what gives you all the graphics. Try checking the History next time. (Control H) It tells you exactly which site was visited, when it was visited, and how many times. (Men don't flame me for this!) <br>Your husband probably won't erase his visits from the history because he will assume you don't know it's there. (Like mine)<br>I haven't confronted my husband with this because <br>a) I don't think it will stop the behavior, only make it worse (and then he will hide it)<br>b) I was snooping - and don't want to admit it!<br>And I haven't talked to him about the sex problem, I'm saving for after the holidays. I think I will bring it up though, I can't think of any other way to remedy this situation, especially if he thinks that there isn't a problem.<br>It is an awful feeling being rejected! I feel ugly, worthless, and unwanted. Worst of all, it distances me from my husband.<br>He is very affectionate (Non-sexually), that's what makes this so confusing for me.<br>I would like to do some sort of Marriage Encounter, but don't know how he would react to the suggestion (not being religious and all).<br>Thanks for writing, I will pray for you too.<p><br>Val, have you talked to your wife about this? Women *love* to talk things out, and to feel like they are being listened to. Something is wrong if she does not want to have sex with you. <br>This may sound annoying, but sometimes women want you to drag it out of them, they want you to do some work and figure out what is bothering them. Men and women alike seem to have this problem where they think we can read each other's minds. Try to find out what's going on, then you can try to fix it together.<p>Cat_Johnson

Doug, Thanks for your input. I gotta tell you though, that the problem goes a little deeper--he never "got off" looking at the porn, he never even got turned on--that's why I think it must be a hormonal problem. But he won't go to the doctor(he's embarrassed), so other than finding other things that may help bring his libido back, I don't know what else to do. (Know of any herbal-type cure for this problem?)<br> <br>We have tried other forms of birth control through the years, but I almost had a stroke from "the pill", and nothing else seemed conducive to our lovemaking. Withdrawal has worked, and he prefers that, so that's what we've stuck with. <p>Cutting his hours down at work don't seem to be an option, although the last few nights he has come home a little earlier than normal--but by the time our kids go to bed, he's too relaxed to think about doing anything. And whenever I make any moves in the morning, he says he HAS to get to work-so I've backed off for now. He would be able to "do it" if I forced it, but I want the desire to be there.

jmb, this is just a rhetorical question, but if sexual intimacy is so important to men, why are there so many of us wives who aren't getting any?<p>I think that's the biggest mystery for me in this whole ordeal. He looks at the porn, he "relieves" himself (when I'm not around), yet I'm left high and dry. He is still very affectionate! It's just the sex that's gone. <p>What to do...<br>

Cat and Sherl, <br>Some musings that may or may not be relevant to the discussion above based on knowledge and experiences shared by my partner- she's an RN, so is also somewhat medically knowledgable. <br>First, it's somewhat curious that withdrawal is the preferred form of birth control- 1st, because it's notoriously unreliable, due to seminal fluid which escapes long before orgasm, and second because it's rather unsatisfactory from a physical viewpoint- that is, a male's (or rather my) viewpoint. Imagine yourself coming very close to orgasm, and then having the main physical stimulation interrupted or changed. Another point my partner raised is that withdrawal may literally relfect an unconscious distancing from you; as if, your husband doesn't want the orgasmic release to be too intense or too strongly associated with you. (I'm not suggesting at all that this is your fault, it may be a buried issue of his, from something in his family of origin. Just speculating, really, since there's so little background information here).<br>Another question or point to consider is how satisfying is your lovemaking for both of you when it does occur? Are there any performance issues that arise which could contribute to anxiety on his part? As someone suggested earlier, it's a lot simpler and quicker for a man to "service himself" with the aid of external stimuli, than to be focussed on understanding and meeting his partner's needs in lovemaking as well as his own. That the latter is much more satisfying in the long run escapes some, because there is a level of intimate communication and comforat which supports knowing and understanding your partners needs that often isn't reached. The ability to disclose all feelings and needs, and respond with empathy isn't trivial. One of the constant threads I see in postings is couples where one partner appears to have a much lower level of empathy and commitment to emotional disclosure than the other.<br>Our stereotypical gender roles seem to result in "men doing" and "women feeling/connecting"; Sherl, your husband is obviously doing a good job (I'm sure in his own eyes, at least) at the "doing" part for his family (in a very traditional sense) but he is having trouble connecting some part of himself with you. The roots may be buried in his upbringing, or they may be physically related. Since you report he has visited a lot of web sites, he probably has some psychological and physical desire, but he may have reasons for having trouble integrating that with his relationship with you. Men with a "strong" traditional Christian upbringing sometimes have very mixed feelings about their sexuality and the sexuality of their wives- if they've been taught "sex is bad" at any point, it may be the whore vs. wife dichotomy. <br>Lastly, have all potential physical issues been ruled out? Is he overall healthy, not significantly overweight? <br>There have been times in my 30's when I was working 80 hours a week, (without a stay at home wife to take care of cleaning clothes, cooking, cleaning the home), but I still had energy left over for lovemaking- if anything I needed it more to cope with the psychologicial stress. But, there may be things about your family lifestyle that really aren't working well for your husband. Have you read any of Harley's books, particularly "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Give and Take"? A fundamental tenet of Dr. Harley's is that for a couple to remain emotionally connected they need to spend about 15 hours a week of quality time together, doing activities primarily focussed on their mutual bond (sitting in a theatre watching a movie or sitting in front of the boob tube absorbed in the latest sitcom doesn't count). Try at least those two books by Dr. Harely, then I'd also recommend "Conscious Loving" by Gay and Kathleen Hendricks (both PHD's in psychology- there books are very interesting, in a more spiritual kind of approach).<p>Regardless, don't lose heart, keep up your quest, and I wish your family the best for the holidays.<br>

And now...Andy Rooney!<p>Didja ever notice that men who have a great need for sex, are married to women who don't seem to need it at all? Same goes for women who have a high sex drive. They seem to be married to eunuchs! Why is that? Is it a great cosmic practical joke? Maybe there should be a mass divorce, and then mix-n-match re-marriages...<p>And why is it that a man can go from non-arousal, to arousal, to climax, to snoring in about 5 minutes flat--less time than it takes the woman to change into her nightie? Why is that?<p>And why is it that men peak sexually at age 18, whereas women peak at twice that, around 36? Does that mean an 18 year-old man can keep two 36-year old women satisfied? Or does it mean a 36-year old woman needs two 18 year-old men to keep her happy? Go figure...<p>Who ever said God doesn't have a sense of humor.....

Jonmark, Thanks for all your research--but I'm sorry, none of what you came up with seems to apply. We are both very satisfied when we do make love. He meets my needs perfectly (when I can get him going he's a very good lover). He just doesn't seem to have the desire (from exhaustion, hormonal change, 3 kids around, who knows??).<p>I know that withdrawal as a birth control is unreliable, but it's been reliable for us along with watching the calendar for ovulation time. The only time we've gotten pregnant is when we planned it--it's been over 5 years since our youngest one was born and 10 since our oldest was born. He's not withdrawing because he WANTS to, it's just what we both decided to do because we don't care for any other form of birth control.<p>I don't think there is a physical reason beyond hormonal(if that's the problem). Ask your nurse friend if she knows what kind of therapy could be used for a low testosterone level--and if I tell our doctor what's going on, if he'll prescribe something without an exam (he really is opposed to sharing this problem with anyone).

Val, he has raised his bid prices on jobs that would be great to have, but they may be too busy for--and they get the jobs anyway! He doesn't want to alienate any of his repeat business by saying no--and most of his jobs are from long time clients.<p>jmb: that's what made me so angry about him accessing those web sites--it would probably been a matter of time before our 10 year old found the records in the computer(he likes to find out what everything is for). Did you talk to your husband about why he was looking at that stuff? Is he still? My husband doesn't know much about the computer, and his curiosity got the best of him. (and he was curious as to whether looking at those pictures would turn him on--since he's having problems in that area. I think he was hoping that it would). I think Satan really takes the wonderful things God has made (sex within marriage as one) and has made it something disgusting and twisted. And sadly, people fall for it.<p>cat: how do you know your husband "relieves" himself when you're gone? Does he tell you that?<br>

Sherl: More of Doug's musings, for whatever they're worth:<p>IMHO, getting aroused by viewing pornography is usually an automatic thing. (We're so visually-oriented!) So why doesn't hubby react that way? I suspect you're on the right track thinking there may be a hormonal problem, in addition to the fatigue.<p>I'm no doc, but I think it EXTREMELY unlikely that your hubby's doc would prescribe hormone therapy without checking hubby's testosterone level. (It's a simple blood test, BTW.) I can understand your hubby's reluctance to going to the doc on his own. When it comes to sexual prowess, we don't want to admit problems to ANYONE. Our machismo certainly can get in the way of things!<p>A suggestion: You could bring it up with hubby's doc, and ask about syptoms, effects, and possible therapies. And make an appt. for him. Then, when hubby went in, he wouldn't be 'admitting' anything. He could say: "This is ridiculous! I don't have any problem, I'm just doing this so my wife will stop bugging me about it!" Viola! One fragile male ego preserved!<p>As far as off-the-shelf this you could try: There's good old Vitamin E, which some people swear by. And there's something called DHEA, an anti-oxidant claimed by many to have rejuvanating effects, and sometimes called "poor man's Viagra".<p>One more thing re. birth control: Except for when our 3 kids "got their start" my wife has used the pill for birth control, and period regulation. ( Although lately, we've been 'using' excessive abstinence too, darn it! ) She's now thinking about going off it because of concerns about long-term health effects. If her doc agrees that it would be good to stop, then I will almost certainly get a vasectomy, since we already have as many kids (3) as we want, and I wouldn't like using condoms, or withdrawal when we DO manage to 'get-together'. Obviously doing something so permanent isn't for everyone, but I wanted to throw it out there as another alternative.<p>Good luck! <p>[This message has been edited by Doug (edited 12-19-98).]<p>[This message has been edited by Doug (edited 12-19-98).]

Sherl, when I believed my H to be avoiding sex because of impotence (turned out to be an affair), I did a lot of research and reading about it. An herbal remedy often recommended is "Yohimbe" - I even bought some for my H and he took it for a while - or at least he depleted the supply somewhat convincingly. You might try that. There is also a website about impotence that you or your H might want to read - I can't find the URL, so by using a search service such as lycos or yahoo, you should be able to find it.<p>Good luck and I hope you get it all worked out!<p>terri

Sherl,<br>I think you might reconsider some of the things related by Jonmark and/or his partner, the RN. I have been experiencing this same phenomenom for 5 years. Which is how long I have been in this relationship. We are married now 3 years. From the very beginning my husband said "I'm just not physically attracted to you" among other excuses this was his favorite. BUT as some of you have said 'very confusing' because he is very attentive, affectionate and loving, just not sexually. When we manage to get it toether he seems to enjoy completely, never goes to sleep immediately but kisses and kisses me afterwords. Just as you said Sherl He enjoys. I think 'maybe' like Jonmarks illustration of 'whore/wife' or my counselor says the Madonna/whore syndrome. My husband comes from a strict catholic upbringing and a dominate mother who probably taught him sex was dirty. I think his father also resorted to girlie magazines. Although my husband does not follow catholic teachings so much now, those early on teachings are probably inbred and he doesn't even realize it. He just thinks it is his attraction for me supposedly 'this first woman he has ever been truly in love with' so he says. He was married twice before and said he was NEVER truly happy until now. BUT HARDLY ANY SEX><br>Didi