We are going to our first couseling session next week, but I already feel like it's over. I can't imagine what could possibly happen to make this any better. Since my H told me about a month ago that he wants a divorce, he has totally withdrawn, and has turned into a cold, hurtful stranger. He'll f*** me (if he wants it), but won't kiss me or tell me he loves me! Stopped signing emails with "love", now doesn't email at all. His exgirlfriend--who he claims has always been his good friend, and is now only a platonic friend, and has nothing to do with this--probably gets "love" signed to HER emails from him. He's carrying photos of her in his briefcase. I don't even think he has a photo of me anywhere (desk, wallet, etc.) My friends/family keep telling me to do everything I can not to love-bust, but how can I keep this going when there is nothing there for me? The last time we talked (2 weeks ago), he said he thought it was a mistake to have married me (married 4 years). Until that day, I'd been saying I loved him more than ever. But now a little bit of love dies each day he continues with this behavior. I don't see how this can be worth it. Right now he shows me NO LOVE AT ALL. I've backed off with the questions, the snooping, the crying. Nothing has changed. I don't know how long I can take this. On days I feel strong, I can crack jokes and do "smile therapy". But then there're the other days. How do you go on?

Dear Louisa:<BR>Sorry kid. Life on these boards is tough. Ask for comfort and encouragement and we will give it to you. <BR>Who found or suggested the counselor? <BR>Have either of you met with him/her yet? How was counselor found? What's his/her bias? (Saving marriages or facilitating divorces?)<P>It's hard to be faithful when you don't get any encouragement. I mean faithful in the sense of continuing to love when you don't get any warmth in return. ****ing doesn't count, but I'd settle for that, even without a kiss.<P>Have you seen a dr. for meds, if warranted?<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Actually, before the divorce declaration, H mentioned talking with someone (priest, counselor, friend), but then did not want to do that--"...let's try to work it out on our own." The day he said he wanted D, I said not without counseling (because I did NOT want D). H is military, stationed overseas, and he found/set up counseling at behavioral clinic available to military families. Have not met counselors, only done entry interview with staff, and do not know if counselor is pro-marriage or not. I have not seen DR for meds. H will not. If he does, must have psych eval and loses security clearance--career ender. Cannot go outside military for meds, could turn up in random drug check--career ender. At entry interview, I did feel the staff person was pro-marriage. It looks like we'll be making it to counseling only every 2 weeks at best because of H's [voluntary] deployment schedule (he wants the extra money).<P>Belle, what's the protocol for continuing to Plan A with no results? Since H won't communicate or respond, am I to assume he doesn't need my affections? Would I be doing damage by stopping affection too and just focusing on myself? He acts like he doesn't need it. Interviewer, family and friends are encouraging us to communicate, he won't/can't. Can anyone who has been in withdrawal comment on this: how did you feel when your spouse reciprocated withdrawal?

Lousia, <BR>The withdrawl stage can be rough on both of you. You feel you are doing all of the work, and not getting anything in response.. <P>The first thing to do is sit down and truly question yourself on how bad youwant your marriage. Because restoring it will be one of the hardest tasks you will do, but well worth it in the longrun. <P>But, it is imperitive that you do plan A as long as possible in order for him to feel a true change and that home and you are safe and happy places to be. Only when you can no longer do it without losing all of your love do you go to a Plan B. Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? It has a good outline for Plan A and B. <P>------------------<BR>Susan