I visit these boards alot and post what I can. I look eagerly to see if someone responds but usually get dissappointed. Really could use the input cause I'm all out of answers. Sept 22, '99 suspected w's 3rd affair. This time with my boss. Feb 28, '00, proved it true. Feb, 29 he resigned. April 26, we leave Mex. and return to the states after I resign my position due to feelings of embarrassment in my company. July 22, she leaves after I say I give up. I have tried very hard for 11 yrs to make this woman happy but now our "marriage" is reduced to a friendly screw if she gets to needing it. She comes to me cause "she knows me well and we both are clean". Read my post on she's crazy as hell and get the rest of the story. Right now, I am sick to my stomach from her. It's not pain anymore, it's a sick feeling that I have been played a fool for so many years and she continues to try and play for more even after she's gone. She wants me to support her and treat her like the wife I love, but she does not have to input anything except sex when she gets horney. Excuse my bluntness but I don't know how else to put it. It has gotten blunt. To me, I see no difference than to call her up and offer cash money so we wouldn't have to go thru the going out to dinner and her afraid I might want something near a feeling from her. What has it become, or has it always been this way? Now, I understand why the sex in our "marriage" was only when she wanted it, never when I did. It was the same then as now, just she doesn't have to look at me in the evening when I come home from work. She now gets to cook and clean house for her mom and dad since it was too stressful to do so for her husband. Anyway, will probably be venting severely in the next few days or weeks. Hope you'll help me out.<BR>Thanx in advance<BR>LHC2

I know all of this hurts. Right now all you see is your pain. I was broken for a year. I still hit hard spots.<P>The best advice I recieved is to worry about you and not HER. You have no control over her actions just your own.<P>I pleaded begged cried to get my ex to return and he just ran right into second OW arms. <P>You will get to the point that you do NOT need them. You deserve someone special and someone that aprreciates you!<P>I hope this helps...remember only you can make yourself be the victum and being the survivor feels soooo much better.

LHC2, sorry to hear of your pain, but My3kids is right. You need and deserve better than the treatment you're getting. I too am beginning to see that now.....it's been a long hard road of a rollercoaster ride for me and I expect it to be so for some time to come, but the fact of the matter is you need to take care of yourself. Do what matters most to you and not her, she's made it plain that she doesn't want what you have to offer her. There are so many people on this board who have been and are at this moment where you are now. You're always welcome to come here and just vent, or whatever. Take it from someone who knows, this place has been a Godsend on many occasions. All the people here understand and they care. Take care of yourself, and vent when you feel the need and even if you don't get the response you're hoping for it still helps to get things off your chest. Good luck, Jax.

LHC2<P>Boy, did you come to the right place! We need you as a friend too. I can't tell you how many times something has been really bothering me, but I can't quite express it, and then someone here on this forum will SAY exactly what I'm thinking/feeling. <P>I am so sorry that you are being hurt like this, and I'm don't know what to tell you other than we are here and vent all you want. We have all been there (or are there now) and I'm pretty sure nothing will shock us! So, join "the club" and let us get to know you, and rest assured that we'll be here.<P>Hugs to you, because, boy you need 'em!!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LHC2}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>We are with ya!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Hi LHC2,<P>Well, add me to the list. Don't know if you are going to need a friend or not, but you'll do until we find someone that does!<P>I'm kind of new to the board too, found it after a flashback. Been divorced for sixteen years, but every so often something comes up to remind me, and I still have flashbacks.<P>What the others are telling you is pretty sound. I don't want to tell you that a divorcing spouse never keeps his/her word, but it might be healthy for you not to expect the w/s to keep her word on anything unless it is in her own self interest to do so.<P>I have been betrayed and later become the betrayer. Folks here seem to think I'm guilty of revenge. That may be so, but there was also a sense of nothing left to lose. It is possible to get to that point where the relationship isn't better than nothing, it is in fact less than nothing.<P>A little lady in a nursing home, she was 86 years old, once told me that there comes a time in life when you have to think of yourself first. If you don't take good care of yourself, there isn't much to offer anyone else either.<P>Really recommend that you read some of Dr. Harley's columns, especially those on infidelity accessable through the homepage of this site. The columns deal with the subject very bluntly, but very kindly, and he shows you several points of view.<P>In my prayers,<P>Bumper<P>

Hi LCH2 know that sick feeling well got it right now, see my story "HURT" just wish i could be at the otherside of this mess just know. Good to read other peoples replies, it does help sort of.<P>------------------<BR>karen

Hi LHC2,<P>I have only posted once to this board, so no one knows me here, but I feel for your pain and think I understand your anger. Like others here, I have been through a lot, and will just offer a couple of insights that helped me... don't know if they apply to your situation, but fwiw, here goes, ok.<P>Your anger certainly seems justified, and healthy... unlike those who blame themselves or crumple up when used and manipulated as you have been. It was a "light bulb" moment for me tho when I realized that when I was angry with people, it was usually because I wanted them to change, and they wouldn't. <P>When this thought hit me, it wasn't long until my anger and absorption in them evaporated, and I shrugged my shoulders and moved on with my life. Anger had bound to them because my focus was always on them and my unrealized desire for them to be good to me. Once I accepted that they were basically not nice people at all, I was free to move on. Instead of rage, my attitude became, "So what else is new?" In my case it was a parent, but the insight should also help when it is a spouse.<P>Steve Harley was quoted in one thread as saying, "We create/perpetuate feelings for a person based on a belief in their potential. A potential that we see in the WS to turn around and be the spouse that we need and desire." So we are sometimes angry when this person will not live up to this perceived potential. Sometimes we hold dual view of people like your wife -- a positive view (based on what we want them to be) and a negative view derived from seeing the opposite in the behavior that characterizes them. <P>It helped to realize how inconsistent I was to hold two views of a person the way I was... yearning for the good loving sweet side of them when their behavior showed them to be the opposite of what I wanted. It helped tremendously to admit that what I was yearning for was not real and never going to happen, that the person's character was badly flawed, so I dropped my yearning for them to be good to me, and moved on without them. <P>I hope this helps... <p>[This message has been edited by computergal (edited November 07, 2000).]

Count me in!!!! <P>Alternate way of contact....<BR>arm6868@yahoo.com

me too, LHC.<P>Your initials are the same as the secondary school I went to. Well, there's a note of trivia you needed at this point in your life.........<P>Yep, been there, am still there. Still going up and down, up and down, but, as time goes on, there's more up than down.<P>I have been coming here for about a year now. Without these people, I don't know how I would have got through this. I have learnt so much, about everything. About life, me, relationships, wants and needs, and it has all contributed to what I hope is a BETTER me.<P>I get divorced in 4 weeks time, which just about kills me to think about. But I really feel I have no choice. He has made it so clear that he doesn't even want to try and work on us, is happy with his bachelor life and his 5th g/f since we broke up. Me and his 2 daughters (5 and 2 1/2) don't matter enough to even try. And guess what, I have accepted his choice. Yes I would have done things differently had I known about MB sooner, but I didn't and now I can't change that. Yes I'm sad beyond belief. But I can't control his choices. I can only control my life, my actions and myself. That is what I am working so hard on at the moment. Me. Not in a selfish way, but a self-preservation way.<BR>It's what you need to do too.<BR>Start thinking of you, things that you like to do, things that you have always wanted to do...... AND DO THEM ALL...............<BR>And come here. I just cannot praise these people enough.<BR>In a year's time, your life will be so different. You will have gone through so much, grown and learnt so much, and will be so much better for it. I hope your W feels and sees this, but if she doesn't, you will be better. Inside yourself. You will have been to hell and back, but you will have survived. We will be here for you.<P>Be nice, be kind, be civil, because then you can always hold your head up high. But that doesn't mean you let her walk all over you. You can still be firm, and in control of you. <P>big hugs to you