Have you realized that your ex has literally sold their soul for the OP?<P>I just realized tonight that he has:<P>1) Quit God completely.<BR>2) Left all friends and family and doesn't<BR> care what they think.<BR>3) Left us and doesn't seem to care what<BR> becomes of us.<BR>4) Used to be a "dog" person, is now a "cat"<BR> person (because she is).<BR>5) Used to be a mega-staunch member of a<BR> certain political party and has apparently<BR> changed (again, because she is).<BR>6) Used to have original ideas, now seems<BR> to be spewing things that HAVE to be<BR> coming from her (mostly hateful).<P>It's as though he has adopted literally everything that she is, and become it himself. I mean, he wasn't like that with me. He had his own personality. He wasn't an offshoot of me in the least bit - but now it seems he's become her. And he seems perfectly content and happy with it.<P>This really feels horrible. I just can't explain how low I'm feeling right now.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

WO, my H did exactly the same thing in the beginning. That's what gave it the unreal "possessed" quality. It was like he had enmeshed with her...like there were no boundaries.<P>In fact, most of what he said re: me and our marraige sounded exactly like what he had come home the previous year and told me about her marraige and her H. It was totally unfounded in me. The previous year he had told me something her H had done and I remember shaking my head with him in disbelief. Well, he came home and told me I did it.<P>I just stepped back at that point and thought, this is bizaar. I didn't even entertain it. <P>

I know exactly what you mean, but with different examples:<P>1)couldn't stand having any neighbors close by; now lives in her condo<BR>2)completely changed his child-raising beliefs to hers<BR>3)gave up all apparent interest in everything he was passionate about, especially farming<BR>4)the man who a few years ago gave up a desk job to run a horse-powered farm, who almost never hired a plumber or electrician to fix anything in all our years together, said that he would rather pay someone else to do the hard, dirty work.<BR>5) Most importantly, the man who said in a job interview a few years ago that the most important aspect of a job was flexibility because spending time with his family was so important, now spends little time with his kids. He told our son that he "can't" have them visit him overnight, because the little one wants him to stay with her while she falls asleep, and she goes to bed 45 minutes too late.<P>

I forgot to mention:<P>1)A couple of years previously, he had become completely disillusioned with church denomination we had been attending, and said he wanted nothing more to do with it. Since he moved in with her, he attends the same denomination with her.<P>And he never acted like that with me, either. He used to have a separate personality. Unfortunately, this has been going on for almost a year and a half, and getting worse.

{{{{{{{{Kathy}}}}}}}}<P>That just goes to show you what happens when WS get the fog lobotomy! DON'T take this personally. For someone who changes that much, its not about you!<P>1) hated smokers, tried to get people fired at work for smoking indoors; now she dates a smoker.<P>2) would never have more than 1 drink with me, and that was rare! criticized me for drinking as an accoassional escape whenI ws young. now she goes out drinking with her new friends, late at night, and on weekends. She is now into jack daniels, with her new date.<P>3) insisted that someone had to be home when the kids came home from school. Told her boss that. Now, she doesn't.<P>4) we talked about taking the kids camping in the mid west for a summer. last time i brough that up, she was very argumentative, and now insists that if we do it, the kids can't go very long, they have friends to get back to. evidently friends are more inportant than a family vacation.<P>Kathy, it isn't just you or about you, possibly either they finally grew up into someone they really are, and didn't know it. OR there is a chemical release in the brain which either shuts down the part they have been using, or started up a new part which has never been used.<P>In my case, it may be the onset of alzheimer's.<P>Kathy, although its hard, step back and ask yourself if this new person is someone you would date/marry again? If not, then take comfort in knowing YOU'RE not going to change like that.

Guys and gals,<P>I believe it is just a "natural" pendulum shift... For whatever reasons, these spouses were not happy - whether it was with their spouse or the marriage or with themself, only they know. I think their instant reaction is to try and change everything about themselves, thinking that will make them happy. Unfortunately just like all these "fad diets", it is only a matter of time before the pendulum sways back.<P>I think then is when the *hit really hits the fan, because then they will be totally confused as to "what" really makes them happy....

Thanks SoTired2000. My STBXH is also under the spell of his OW/Fiancee. Is doing everything she wants so that she will not leave him. They are getting a dog (she wants a rottweiler) and he always said he never wanted a dog because of the noise and responsibility, she loves to entertain (he hates social gatherings) and she likes Shania Twain (he only liked classical/opera music previously). I think you are right - the WS do not really understand what was making them unhappy and it is easy to blame marriage and former spouse for their unhappiness. Think they will be happy with new spouse. How long before the pendulum swings back and they realize that they are not happy in this new marriage?

WIFTT,<P>Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing who is going to change like that. I am sure if you asked my H a few years ago if he would be acting like this, he would have never believed it. You can never tell whether anyone, no matter how well you know them, or even yourself, will undergo a complete and total personality change. You can never count on anyone.

Yes, Nellie, there is no way of knowing, however, it is NOT the majority, and life is a risk taking adventure. But if one does not take the risks, than one will never know, one will always have doubts, and one will be alone forever. some people are like that, but not the majority either.<P>However, you have good memories and kids, and would you have traded in those years for no kids and not memories, to be alone, by yourself?<P>I would expect you to say no, i cherish those memories, we all do of when we had great times. and I wouldn't trade them in singledom and no kids. I took the risk, have some great kids, still have my life, and have some sadness at the moment, but its just another part of our unpredictable lives.<P>However, we all search for the why, and not always do we get adequate answers. but we only control ourselves, and we can not let one person completely take our life away, when we all have years of potential future happiness to find and enjoy. <P>as trite as it sounds, its true, "it could be worse."<P>tom

It's a pretty typical thing I guess. Mine has a problem in his character - he messed around for the duration of our marriage with lots of different women, mostly from the office.<P>I had to rethink what I said about him having a separate personality again. Because when it comes down to it, when he was with me, I guess he really did take on my characteristics. He really did and thought the way I did. Maybe that's the part about when you get married you become "one". Either that or I was the stronger of the two of us and he really didn't have much personality (or should I say character?). It's as if he has to assume someone else's to make up for what he lacks in self-esteem, self-confidence, etc.<P>Now he's "one" with this manipulative woman and doing everything the way she does. He's become her. I'm very sad to see it and how quickly and easily it happened for him. Still, his contentment and happiness with the situation is what cuts the most.<P>I really think there are so many people out there who are so needy and HAVE to be attached to another person. I don't think he could be on his own; he wouldn't know how to be himself or even who that is. He assumes the personality of someone else because he's weak. I'm still myself. I still do the same things I always liked to do, still have the same beliefs, same things that motivate me, and really am looking forward to being on my own and doing my own thing and having my own things (even tho I wish it was not this way, if that makes sense to anyone).<P>You are right, When, about one thing, this is not a person I'd be interested in ever again. It used to hurt so bad to hear his voice in my home, now I just want him to go away and really wish I never had to deal with him again. But I can't imagine being a child whose parent left. I hurt for my little boys, and he doesn't blink an eye.<P>Thanks for your kind words and I'm really sorry for all of you who know exactly what I'm talking about.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

There are few good memories that involve him, because they are all tainted now. Although I wouldn't trade my children for anything in the world, would I have been so cruel as to bring them into this world only to be emotionally abandoned by their father, to learn for themselves that you can't trust your own parent? If I could somehow managed to have had the children all by myself, without any involvement from him, that is what I would have chosen. Of course it is all hypothetical anyway. <P>This is not just a bump in the road of life. This is the complete destruction of everything I ever believed in. Not just that he left me, but that he could be so cruel to his children. This is far, far more than just some sadness.<P>I do not believe that this is rare. From what I have read and seen it is all too common. If you count all the people who are alcoholics, drug abusers, physical/sexual abusers, and those who are cruel to begin with, and then add those people who will completely change from a good person into someone evil, that does constitute the vast majority of humankind.

Hi Kathy,<P>Now that you mention it, my EX became OW too. <P>1. used to hate cats, now has 3<BR>2. didn't like crowds, takes her to everything I wanted to do<BR>3. never did his own laundry, does it WITH HER at laundromat now (we have a washer too, hello>????)<BR>4. changed his name from Rob to Robert<BR>5. changed his haircut, goes to some fancy place now (what guy pays $60 for a haircut that is basically a trim every month??)<BR>6. doesn't care about credit anymore<BR>7. abandon his own family (parents, aunts uncles)<BR>8. likes "apartment" living now (as opposed to home ownership)<BR>9. talks to his mom all the time (used to hate her til she told him that the affair was a good thing)<BR>10. has her picture in his wallet and car, but never had mine. (grrrrr)<P>OK now that I partially vented its fair to say that a good point was made, he took on my characteristics too now that I think about it.<P>I suppose he's basically a follower and I am more a leader as far as friends and career would go. Maybe he will never know what he likes or dislikes cuz he can't figure it out for himself. He can't even go to the grocery store for 5 minutes with out her. <P>Oh well, in the end, I have my house, my kids, and someone who treats me better than I ever knew was possible. It was a hard trade off, but in the end I think I'll have a better life and quite possibly , my kids are actually going to be ok thru it all.<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

DanaB,<P>good analysis point:<P>Leader versus follower! Hmmmm. that sounds familiar.<P>got to have the right balance between the marriage partners for that!<P>that point needs more analysis, but I think you hit the answer on the head!

In addition to a number of things others have mentioned, I think that many of the WSs never knew themselves to begin with. Possibly never will-and that is very sad.<BR>

Mine too underwent "the change."<BR>1) quit the church, was a borne again Christian , one of "my problems" was that I wasn't a strong Christian head of the house. I asked her to bring the kids home early when regular church hours started this fall and she said no, she wasn't getting up early on her day off. Also told me right before we divorced that she no longer believed God answered prayers and that he was there just for the after life. When I couldn't reply because I was dumbstruck, she said "she we can't discuss anything."<P>2) liked going to an auto parts wholesaler with om. <P>3) liked going to gun show with om, went at least twice. Also mentioned that I would be suprised at the kind of people that belong to militias.<P>4) gave up on all her friends. Was planning a party and never invited the one friend that would still talk to her.<P>5) regularly misses her families anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Doesn't even send cards.<P>6)has pictures of her, om and his mother around. There never was a picture of my mother/father around. She also didn't take pictures of her family when she left.