<BR>CJ,<P>I've noticed in some of your posts the past couple of days, that you seem kinda down and out.<P>Are you doing ok?<P>Mitzi

How nice of you to ask. Thanks.<P>I am overall doing pretty well, but my STBX is a jerk, and once in a while it does utterly bum me out. But doesn't everyone feel that way now and then?<P>I am really kind of a baby at this stuff, so I'm just learning to find the joy in little things. And I find a LOT of joy in talking here and talking to other friends on whom I can lean. <P>So, Mitzi, you tell me. Generally okay with occasionally bouts of melancholy. Doesn't that sound about par for the course?<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

CJ,<P>All of that is completely normal! I'm surprised you're actually having good days! <P>When things are new, it's so hard to find the joy in little things. I'm at a place now where I find joy in a lot of things, but it's taken me almost a year to get here. If you had told me last December that I would be this far along in my OWN recovery, I probably would have called you a fool. It all takes time. I didn't smile for 2 entire months and now I smile all of the time. I'm actually happier than I've ever been. <P>It'll happen for you too, CJ. Trust all of us "old-timers"! (I guess I'm an old-timer now! LOL) I actually went back and read my old posts and am amazed that I came this far. And it all happened because of my friends here. <P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi

Thanks for the hugs. I can ALWAYS use them!<P>Yeah, I know what you mean. It's like I'm gradually letting myself enjoy things and have fun. But other times, I'm just blue. Chick, it happens!<P>CJ<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mitzi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Hey CJ,<P>We all need hugs once in awhile!<P>{{{{{{{{{{Big Hug }}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I promise you just as Mitz has said,it will get better w/time.<P>We are all here to help eachother out.<P>Gina <P><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

CJ,<P>You're allowed to be blue! Just don't let yourself sink into too much of a funk. We're all here when you need us!!<P>Mitzi

Hey CJ! <BR>I agree with Mitz... You are doing really well, and the occasional bout of the blues is ok... it helps us appreciate the good stuff even more. But, if you start to sink in too deep, Java & I will have to road trip up there and drag you out of it... didn't you mention something about whisteling at sailors? <P>Mitz, you are still a puppy on this site ... I've been here almost 2 years (posting for just over 18 months). But, I guess if you really want to be called an "OLD timer" we'll let ya! <P>So, CJ, hang in there.... we are proof that it does get better!!<P>Smooches, Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>B

<BR>Hey CJ,<P>Your STBX? Is he the one having the problem with diabetes? What part of the story am I missing here?<P>Bystander

Bystander,<P>You did miss a little bit of the story, didn't you. Yes, my STBX is the one with the diabetes and stuff, and he's the one that ended things between us. I venture to guess he couldn't handle the stress of it all or something. To be honest, hell if I know!<P>Anyway, a couple of weeks ago we had the "who wants what stuff" talk and calmly and coolly divided the stuff we collected over our lifetime. We very rationally decided who should drive the kids to school, etc. and that was that. <P>Wierd, huh?<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

CJ,<P>When we divided the stuff, I laid the ground rules, she agreed it was fair, and then afterwards, complained that it was fair, but she didn't get what she thought she deserved, (everything i guess) <P>you just can't satisfy these people. they are self centered, and are only concerned with their own happiness, or what they think is right! like changing everything outside will change your happiness inside!<BR>I don't think so.<P>CJ, its not weird, its the frontal foggy labotomy that has taken over, and replaced everything with cr@p for brains.<P>WIFTT

October 24th.<P>He said something that still rings in my ear to this day. My D's birthday was October 25th, so he wanted to just get through her birthday so we didn't mess up her day--after that he didn't give a ****. Oops, sorry.<P>I'm kinda proud of myself, too, because we got through it, didn't wreck her day with a fight or anything like that, and then it was all business. <P>That's the part the gets me. It's like having a frosty freeze where a warmth used to be. I've said it a hundred times, it was all so cold and logical, when it felt like it should be more messy.<P>Oh well. What's a girl to do? Here's what I'm doing. I'm starting to do some of the stuff I enjoyed but gave up. I'm starting to enjoy the sunrises and sunsets. I'm starting to go places that I've wanted to go.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<BR>CJ,<P>I'm sort of in shock. I don't mean to pry, but was his ED somehow related to an affair? What is going on here? This getting up and walking out is *very* strange.<P>Bystander

ED related to an affair? Gee, to be honest I never thought about that. I know when he left in Feb. he did have one, so I guess it's possible.<P>I could be all wrong, but the impression I got was much more like something just shut off in him. Like a steel wall just fell, and there's no lifting it. Then again, I haven't seen him for anything except the most casual scheduling meetings since October 24th.<P>Would it be awful to say I don't really want to consider the affair possibility? I think I'm having a hard enough time as it is! Yet after reviewing the tapes (I went back and read the posts on the EN forum), it seems like more of a probability than a possibility. It would certainly explain why he didn't "cooperate" with getting treatment, and why doctors could never find anything wrong. I know for a fact why his blood sugar was high--he virtually ignored his diet and ate whatever he wanted. Naturally that has it's own consequences, but all the other stuff never added up to me.<P>Duh! I never thought of it, so I didn't look for any "evidence". Now, I don't know what the hell happened. I do know he looks perfectly happy and healthy now. <P>Alright, now I'm blue.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.<P>[This message has been edited by FaithfulWife (edited November 07, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by FaithfulWife (edited November 07, 2000).]

{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I've been really busy today and have been out of the loop. <P>If you ever need me, you know where to find me. <P>Hugs....<P>{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}<BR>{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}

Thanks, bud.<P>I even accept hugs from KU fans!<P>In fact, I takes 'em where I can gets 'em.<P>Thanks again.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

FW<P>Big hugs, {{{{{{{{{{FW}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Hey, we are not trained in HS or college to be able to figure out the right answers instantly the first time, so if you overlooked something, its because that had been the normal way to think about your relationship.<P>The fog creates lots of weird thinking and actions, and some of it is hard to detect. the mind can play lots of games with body to handle stress, etc.<P>please, learn to forgive yourself, as we all have to do. We may be guilty of not knowing or being the best spouse, but then again, that class was not offered at the military academy where i attended, nor the boarding school where i went with all guys.<P>Some concepts we have to learn by failing, and learning by failing is the best way to grow up and be a better person. I don't encourage failing, i encourage risk taking, and learning. everyone takes a risk with the future each time they marry.<P>The board is full of people learning about themselves and others, particularly spouses. And if fact, the more informed, persevering spouses are the ones that search for the hard answers here, instead of taking the easy road that the WS take.<P>learn to forgive yourself, its part of the healing process<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>now get out and do some of the activities that you have always wanted to do but haven't. spend some time and money enjoying yourself, and celebrate your life, its the only one you will have, and the stuff that you have learned here. It will get better.<P>tom

Thank you for your post, Tom.<P>I will consider what you've said. But I must admit, I have a terrible flaw that way. I am very honest and just assume that people are being honest with me. Naturally, I get fooled pretty often. I guess I'm just not willing to trade the honest nature for the occasional "being taken."<P>I will give your thoughts some consideration, though. Thanks<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

For the record, I think about the words people say with pure skepticism first, wondering if they are manipulating me first, or if they are truly honest second. <P>That approach comes from working childish adults, my STBX, and businessmen with razor sharp elbows. I see it alot my job, managers not being realistic to get what they want, or being manipulative just to get their bonus, when in my opinion, they don't deserve it.<P>But also i don't let very many people in. only about three have ever been let in close enough. two made me redundant, and I made one redundant. that way it protects my emotions, and myself. I find that just assuming everyone as honest hasn't worked for me. Its being tough and tough minded that actually works better, at least for me with both my children and adults. it keeps the emotional distance far enough to survive.<P>not to say that i am not honest, i try to be as much as possible, its just that i don't think the other side of the conversation is always honest.<P>Last night, my 8 yo d asked me "Dad, who is you best friend, other than mom?" and since my life hasn't gone the way i had hoped it would, i couldn't answer it. not that I don't have college friends, or high school friends, or work friends, or internet friends. but best friend, well, i have to start all over again.<P>Honesty is important between partners, and it needs to be paramount. its what we all need to survive and grow healthily.<P>Hey, its ok to be down, just remember to appreciate the good times, because there will be more and more of them as we work on ourselves. <P>WIFTTy

That's a very good point. In many ways I walk around open to people, and I believe I'm beginning to see that that is not in my best interest. Your method of operation makes a lot more sense: be skeptical at first, look for manipulation second, and then maybe be open. It's probably a wise lesson to learn.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I don't know that its a good method, but its one where I am constantly vigilent looking out for manipulation, or inconsistencies between words, actions and outcomes.<P>and it protects me, it has always been all about protection, for now and the future. letting people in that close can be very rewarding, but its also very scary, and it is a big risk, a very big risk, as we all find out. and for alot of us here, the scariness is much bigger than ever before.<P>I am honest when I speak or type, as much as I can be, but when I feel the potential for manipulation, etc. i stop, and try to say nothing. and generally just back away from the situation, or try to point out to the other party the danger we are running into, good or bad danger, so that we can continue. conflict avoidance, probably, less so now than in the past as i get older and wiser. is it necessary to react to every single stimulus that comes my way? no. can i fix everything? no, can i control everything? no, only me.<P>try different approaches, find the one that works best, but remember, each has its drawbacks, and each has its advantages. and neither will be right all the time. I'm not trying to change you, only give you my opinion on what works for me, and then you decide if you want to try it out, and then you decide if it works. no one else should.<P>tom<BR>