Well, this should be interesting. I called W at her work in her hometown (3 hours away) this morning to arrange for the swapping of daughter this Friday. Some weeks ago she said, "don't be alarmed if you see me in a Cadillac STS sometimes instead of the Mercedes", (that's what he (om) drives.) Remember, I drive a 1991 Volvo with almost 300,000 miles. So I asked her this morning, "should I be looking out for a Cadillac or a Mercedes?" She says, "oh, he's gone back to Naples, FL (his residence for the winter)." This guy does little more than sleep with my W and golf. She sounded tearful when she said this, so I said, "oh, I'm sorry" in a sincere way.<P>I have found out that she's been living the "country club" lifestyle the past few months. Keep in mind, this guy doesn't work, never really has, and is pissing away I'm guessing 300 or 400 K of inheritance.<P>The long and short of it is, I felt a slight burst of optimism that she may be facing reality soon. This will be the first time in maybe 16 years she has not had a "steady partner." She's been living in La La Land the past 7 or 8 months. She lives with her mother and mom has refused to babysit D. Her mother always disliked this guy (her HS sweetie) and must be mortified at the events of the last 7 or 8 months.<P>I'll LD Plan A (much easier for me than every day in your face). For now, moving on, but I gotta say the next few weeks/months may be comical.<P>Jay<p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited November 07, 2000).]

I guess the "feelings" aren't really the good indicator of love that everyone thinks they are.<P>reality is kind of eye opening, although Jay, personally, it may be the best event that ever happened to her, and she may appreciate you correctly after this.<P>Are you really unwilling to give a try at reconciliation? You never know, this might be the best glue your relationship will ever have!<P>BTW, my STBX looks awful, i think the stress of this wonderful relationship is really getting to her! oh well, lots of us go through this stuff, and come out the other side as much, much better human beings!<P>good luck!

WIFTT,<P>Yes, this is the best thing (albeit not monumental) that has happened since she initiated counseling back in March. I think it will be a real eye opener, but we'll have to see who she yearns for more. She will now be forced to spend more time with D (she is not a passionate parent) and have to deal with her parents on a full time basis. That is, unless she ventures out and finds someone else. She was pretty good at that when she found me 15 years ago!<P>As for reconciliation, I have to beat myself up every time I even ponder it because it is so unlikely. I left the door open day after D day and 2 or three times since; most recently in August. She just said like Carole King "It's too late baby." Although she really "didn't try to make it." She says that too much has been said and it is irreparble. Funny how I've shown the willingness to forgive her for an adulterous affair, but she can't find it within her to forgive for some of the things I said about her parenting and immature and irresponsible behavior; you tell me which is worse.<P>We are still in custody evaluation. The best thing that can happen is that daughter returns to the Garden State, home of fine Diners, best pizza, most streetwise people, best Italian Ristorantes. I'm seeking primary, but have indicated that I'll accept 50/50. Don't know if I'll have to move out of state or if W and D come back here; maybe D will come back and W will stay out of state? Everyone familiar with us thinks she'll cede D to me within a few years or sooner.<P>But yes, I'd like my W back; but I can't imagine the ridicule I may get from those who know her and what she did to our family. I hope I get the opportunity to contemplate that.<P>Yes, better human beings without a doubt! My W is taking on the "waif" look due to all the stress. In spite of that, she looks damn good, but I need to continue the detachment process.<P>It ain't easy Babe!<P>Jay

catamount82<P>-----------------------------<BR>"But yes, I'd like my W back; but I can't imagine the ridicule I may get from those who know her and what she did to our family. I hope I get the opportunity to contemplate that."<BR>-----------------------------<P>Remember that it is your life and your decision to make. Try not to let the feelings of others effect any decision you make. It will be hard enough with you two if she comes back, let alone if you start thinking about what "others" are saying.<P>Remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with forgiveness and the willingness to try again. Often people ask me if I would really take my wife back if she came home. Without a hesitation I answer back "most certainly". Why? Because I know that if she came back with a contrite heart, God would come to the aid of our marriage and help us rebuild it. He is all for marriage and if given the chance would do all He could to heal a broken one.<P>God Bless and good luck.<BR>Mike