I just found the book "How to Survive an Affair" in my local christian bookstore. Obviously I was looking for something like this because I have just discovered my husbands affair. While the whole book is fantastic and I want to apply every principal, I dont't know how well it will work in my situation.. I have been married for 24 years and after marriage I found out about my husbands many, many addictions. He has one of those addiction prone personalities. For me it has been a horrible 24 year roller coaster ride. I have stayed because I love this man and there is so much good in him. I am also a christian who doesnt believe in divorce. I understand that maybe I havent been meeting my husbands emotional needs, but I feel that it is because our marriage has never had a chance while competing for alcohol and drugs. My husband says the affair is over and I feel that we have made some recoveryhowever there is a current addiction to morphine contend with. He is slowly withdrawing with his doctors help and now has a chance to complete withdrawl with a detox program. He seems to be balking on this last step and I understand his fear. There have been many times when he has been clean, but eventually he always returns to his drug of choice. I fell that I cant go on. MY QUESTION IS>>>>>>>> is it a violation of marriage recovery steps tio demand that he make this clean break from drugs. To ultimately choose drugs or me and sobriety. I cant go on another 24 years. I have been on antidepressants for about 5 years and they are not helping. I realize that if my husband could follow marriage rebuilding steps that we maybe can still make it but I dont know what to do anymore.<P>------------------<BR>

sunrise,<P>I felt compelled to write to you, because I know what your going through...<P><BR>My sister`s, SIL, is going through the very same thing.. only he is a heroin addict.. they have 4 kids, he has been arrested twice now, and is in detox as I am writting you right now.. this H, took all their savings and spent it, lost their house, this poor girl now rents a home, and works two jobs, to support her kids.. he lost his business, and now he is about to loose his family.. she, of course, wants to divorce him.. <P>I know others too that have gone through what you are going through, but to have an affair on top of that, and you with your depression, makes it all the harder, all around.. <P>I can only suggest, (not being a professional) to go to a co-dependency support group in your area.. either alone, or together.. he not only needs your support, but family and out side support as well.. unfortunatly the addict won`t always listen to their loved ones.. and YOU NEED the "extra" help to get *YOU* through this.. (besides coming to this board of course!) <P>I wish I had more advise for you.. but IMHO this really does call for professional help.. all the steps of mb, are not gong to do much, if the other problem still exsists.. he may not be able to reach such a goal, if still under the influence, and that would be unfair to exspect from some one in that state.. again IMHO.. <P>If you need to vent, do come here as much as you can... these people are all very open, warm and loving to each other..<P>I`m sorry I couldn`t be more help.. but I wish you lots of luck what ever you decide..<P>take care of you.. sunrise...<P>AV<P>

humbheart,<BR>I also have 4 children.. My husband believes he needs this drug because it was "medically" prescribed. I think he knows in his heart that this is more craving due to the addiction rather than actual back pain. Although we havent lost our house, his poor judgment has causes us financial problems due to poor judgement. When he gave up his lover, within one week he brought home a Camaro (without consulting me). Fortunately he took that back but will now probably blame me for that for the rest of his life. I was very careful not to get in an argument w/h and didnt even tell him to return it. I just stated my feelings and told him to make the decision. My health has suffered for the last 24 years, but even more so in the last month.<BR>with his addiction prone personality, I dont even know if the affair is over for sure. He works with the woman (different building), however for the last year they have had lunch in a group every day. This friendship led to the affair and they became seeing each other exclusively for lunch in deserted parks, possibly even her own house as she lives not too far from work. He tells me he has had no contact at all, but how can I ever trust him again.

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sunrise,<P>I`m going to suggest another site to look into.. it is <A HREF="http://www.ivillage.com," TARGET=_blank>www.ivillage.com,</A> once on the web page, click on helping each other, there is a codependency board there.. (as well as many other sites, dealing with relationships) in which many on this site are going through the same problems you are, and can re-late and perhaps help you there.. I feel the more we look into and read, the stronger we become.. <P>and if you`d like, you can e-mail me any time.. having an "extra" freind, can always help, too.. <P>AV1OK@AOL.COM<P>gotta run.. <BR>AV<P>

Sunrise, I feel for you because I know exactly how you feel. I've been married for 17 1/2 years to an alcoholic, depressed man who is also addicted to pain killers and other medications. Since his hip replacements his addictions have gotten worse and I got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore, he tried different ways of stopping, like weaning off or only drinking 4 beers a day, eventually it would go up and up again. I nursed him through 6 surgeries, supported him when he felt down about not being able to do things with our sons like he used too, etc. I asked him to go into some treatment center, he'd say he couldn't because he didn't have enough leave and obviously we couldn't afford to be without pay. He refused to go to counseling saying they would only blame him because of his addictions. One night in May 99 he went out to a strip club and spent money we didn't have after a fight with me (he says he was so depressed.....someone please tell me how this helped him), didn't come home until the next morning. Yes he tried to apologize and beg for forgiveness but i'd had enough. He moved out. Then he had his first A in Nov 99. When confronted with evidence he actually tried to say I was wrong then he tried to blame me for having an A first(I've never had one). Then he told me it was over(the A) and I caught him again with same OW in Jan of this year. Now he says its over for sure, but who knows, like you, i have a hard time trusting him, but the biggest trust issue i have is TRUSTING HE'LL DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIS ADDICTIONS! My D is up on Dec 18 and its been a battle all the way, with legal fees over $5000 because he has fought me on everything(I file, he doesn't want it). I know he loves me and he'll probably always will by why hasn't it been enough? I don't know. I suggest you do go to co-dependency therapy somewhere, it helps you because I blamed myself alot for failing, i still do sometimes, but we can't change them, they have to want to change. All I know is its been more peaceful at home for my sons, not hearing us fighting all the time, and they don't have to walk on eggshells around him every day. In my heart its not to peaceful because I do miss him even with all his faults. There has been too many hurtful things for us to work things out now (but i'm always hoping in the future). If your H is willing to go into treatment, let him and help him one more time, you can't lose much more. I'll pray for you. If you need someone to talk to email me at RamirezOE@hotmail.com.

SunRise:<P>I, too, am married to a man with many, many addictions! I knew he was in recovery for about 3 years when I met him (mostly crack cocaine). <P>We've been married for 9 months (yes, months) and it's only now that I see the full extent of his problems. <P>I found out 1 week before our wedding that he had a PA 2 weeks before the wedding. He was very remorseful as we sat with our pastor so I went through with the wedding.<P>Now that we're under 1 roof, I see all and I don't like who he is one bit. I'm sure the woman he slept with in January isn't the first. I always thought he was with other woman during our dating days, but I could never prove it, I suspected when he was out of town on business.<P>I've found secret e-mail addresses with e-mails from women swapping pictures. I've found on-line personal ads that he subscribed to. Oh, a woman called the house in Sep. because he told her I'd moved out. They met on-line in Jul. and had been talking on the phone (while at work) all the time.<P>Last month our cable bill was over $80.00 because he rented many porno movies. He also subscribes to very disgusting on-line porno newsletters.<P>I have been going to Al-anon and I'm trying to get to a co-dependancy group, but they're on a night when I have my kids (from a previous marriage to an alcoholic).<P>My H goes to AA and I constantly fear he'll "click" with some woman who "knows what he's going through".<P>He's going to see our pastor today. Not sure why.<P>He finally started working with our counselor. He'd stopped months ago and I kept going for myself.<P>I don't think I can go through a full year of marriage with this guy. Did I mention he lies, lies, lies!?<P>Thanks for listening! Keep coming back and look into a support group.<P>You'll find that only the addicted person can want recovery and you can't change a darn thing for him. He needs to hit rock bottom and WANT recovery. You may need to find a way to seperate and allow him to work his recovery alone. I'm not sure if it's possible with 4 children.<P>God Bless You!<P>Karen