Hi again everyone,<P>do you want to hear the latest? I have to tell you anyway.<P>My daughter (5 1/2) had this conversation with our babysitter, (who also happens to be her pre-school teacher) last night.<P>daughter: Daddy and Julie are going to get married and be a family, and want Monique and me to be a part of their family...<P>b-sitter: Do you mean Daddy and Julie are getting married?<P>daughter: yes, and they want Monique and me<BR>I'll only have one Mummy tho won't I, Ky..."?<P>b-sitter: yes, you'll only ever have one mummy. You're very lucky to have a Daddy and Mummy who love you so much. Even if Julie and Daddy get married, you'll only have one mummy.<P>daughter: I'll never leave my mummy. She's special.<P><BR>There was more to the conversation on both the babysitter's and Bridgit's part. The babysitter asked some questions, not leading ones, trying to get to the bottom of this.<P>I emailed stbx today, and asked him where this was all coming from. He says he has no idea. He hasn;t said anything, and I know I certainly haven't. Is it possible that she wants to be in his life so much that she will use my children to help her achieve her goal.?<P>It is so hard to explain how I feel. I'm just about to divorce the man that I never believed would not be in my life. I think I have let him go. I have had to. He doesn't want me or our marriage. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. But I can't understand why there is no respect for me. I think I have conducted myself throughout this mess with dignity. I have tried so hard to be understanding of why this all happened. I have forgiven the first affair. I know why that happened, I understand why that happened. I'm not clinging on to him, making phone calls begging or pleading with him to come home. He is his own man now, free to do what he likes, with who ever he likes.<BR>But the thought of someone else with my children, so soon, just tears me apart. Will they have room in their little hearts for someone else? I'm more jealous of her with my children, than her with my husband. Am I abnormal? This is going to drive me insane. I'm going downstairs to get a drink - I think I need alcohol. Don't worry, it'll be just the one....<P>If this has rambled on a bit, I'm sorry. I'm trying my hardest to deal with this, 'build a bridge and get over it', but these are my babies....... I don't want to share my babies. I'm not ready for that yet. She can have him, but not them.<P>Jo<BR>

Jo,<P>I can understand your heartache and your frustration regarding the lack of respect being shown toward you by your stbx. <P>I have felt betrayed during this process myself, but I can hold my head high knowing that I handled everything to the best of my ability, including treating my W with great deal of love and respect from day one of this ordeal. <P>It sounds like you have done the same with your H. We may not be perfect, but if you can look yourself in the mirror and beleive that you have handled everything to the best of your ability, then you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You can only control your actions here, not his. Especially with OW in the picture, you never know what buttons she is pushing as well.<P>As far as your children go, I don't have any myself, but I can fully appreciate your conviction and strong emotions to not letting them go. They are your babies and you have every right to fight for what's best for them.<P>As far as the alcohol issue, having a drink now and then when you're down and blue is nothing to be ashamed of. Just remember that alcohol is a depressant and has the tendency to bring us down further. Please do not fall into the cycle of 'well, maybe just one more' You are better than that. <P>Ok, enough of my lecture.<P>You keep your chin up!<P>-Jayhawk

Dear bonnet,<BR>Abnormal? I have the same resentment. My H wanted to bring our S to a newly opened amusement park last July, immediately after the D-day conversation. The plans were for our "families" to make this trip. He and I had argued for years about his relationship with this woman. At one point her H suggested that "the families" make plans together, so that the friendship could continue. Being a reasonable person, I agreed, it sounded reasonable. <P>So very soon afterwards, "the families" went to a resort, in separate cars. My H and the OW talked non-stop on their cell phones on the freeway to each other, laughing, joking, bantering. I smiled nicely. We get to the hotel and I found out that her H is out of the country; it's just her and the 2 girls. I felt like the mother in law all that weekend. Tried to be a good sport, pushed down uncomfortable feelings. <P>When he asked about the trip last July, we were eating ice cream. My stomach clenched up like a fist. The ice cream melted in the dish, I pushed it around with my spoon, pretending to eat it. It turned into soup. He offered to leave me home, so that I could have "a day off", and not feel uncomfortable with OW. (What a prince!) <P>I told him that it was bad enough to share HIM with her, but I felt I needed to put a fence around our S. Like there was no limit to what I was supposed to turn over to her.<P>Yes, I understand your resentment on a very deep level. She (OW) has her own kids. Let her deal with them. Oh, and on top of all this, our S had confided in me, in whispers and asking me not to tell Dad, that he didn't like going to the OW's house, because last time they were there playing a game with the OW's D, (they are the same age), my H had sided with the little girl in a dispute over a game. They were arguing, and my H wouldn't let our S tell his side. He just cut him off. That was what our boy remembered, and confided to me. I told him that Dad can't correct or discipline other people's children, it's not his job, and that because he loves our S so much he wants him to grow up to be a good person, and that is why he is so strict with him. <P>3 months later was D-day. And H sees no connection between our S's feeling "second best" to the OWC and my resentment and feeling "like a 3rd wheel, a mother in law" toward the OW. Hmm. And he's the one with the high IQ and the degrees! Oh, btw, I later said to him, "Take him, but make a very concerted and conscious effort to let him know that you love him better than that other child. Because this is what he told me in April." (And I related our child's whispered confidence, the one he gave to me from behind the closed door, to my H.) He ended up not going, decided to bide his time until I became more sanguine about the relationship, came to my senses. Isn't that a riot? <P>That your D feel loyalty of such a strong sort for you is a sign of the excellent relationship and love you have built up with her. <P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Jo,<BR>I'm struggling with the same issue. It is very hard to let go. X kept refering to om as step parent and I corrected her that he is her boyfriend and thats when she let me know that they are getting married in Dec.<P>So now I guess whenever the kids fill out emergency info they will have to put his name on it too, ech!<P>I guess it just takes time to swallow this too.<P>Hang in,<P>Bob

its just sickening to listen to responses to the new mom, "does that mean if the OM were to drive with you, you would make him use his seat belt?"<P>my STBX wouldn't drive with anyone not wearing their seat belt, and I mean no one, except now for the OM.<P>He must be a god or something. or she must be desperate, I don't know, I can't figure out anything anymore. I hate this new life for the kids also!<P>WIFTTy

{{{{{{{{{{JO}}}}}}}}}}}<P>In the sad world of divorces and affair, anything is possible and I certainly WOULDN"T put it past the OW/OP to use the kids in any way they can. <P>Are they truly planning a marriage or not?? If not, and you or EX didn't say anything, OW must have. Where else could it come from??<P>My ex has been telling our kids he'd marry OW a few months after he left (we weren't even divorced), now the OW says it too. Oh well. If she wants to marry someone who left his family on xmas day, let her. And if he wants to marry someone who has no morals and happily watched our marriage end for her own benefit, then they are a match made for each other.<P>As for me, I'm on my own mission in life and I'm tired of them both.<P>I hope your daughter doesn't get too confused at all this, its a tough spot for her to be in (if OW is manipulating now).<P>hugs to you and daughter,Dana<BR>