on my street, on my block are 5 couples that are separated, divorced within the last 6 months !!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a very quiet street, catholic , community. One of the couples have 7 children!!!! I am glad we were not the first, or I would feel responsible.

Interesting thought, nikkilyn2. It has occurred to me too, recently. Last week in counseling, my H let drop that 2 of our acquaintance (we socialized years ago, but have since gone separate ways and my H sees these guys when he plays sports only) are divorced. I was shocked. He sees one of these guys every Saturday, the other dropped into his office for lunch within the last year. And he never saw fit to mention their divorces. <P>They both work where the OW now does, btw. And my later thought was, hey, if these very smart and committed guys couldn't keep their marriages together, if I fail, it isn't so bad, is it? A very weak thought, but I gave me permission in a way to think more about a split.<P>Contagious? Not like a virus, but the more there are the less like a failure I feel at not being able to rekindle our flame.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Domestic Godess,<P><BR>I am having trouble with the failure thig, and I must say it does help to know you are not alone......My problem is I am the one who needed out, for a very long time, just had to hit rock bottom I guess.15 years is a long time . Hubby is a fine person, no physical abuse etc....... but our relationship had gone a bad way many years ago, after 2 attempts at counseling called it quits, he is still bitter and will never, ever understand (which is why I made the decision to leave) He has only been gone a couple of days, but I already am feeling like I can breathe again without asking if it is ok to do it. Each divorce story on our street is unique, cant really find blame for most of them, and wouldnt want to be judge and jury anyway. I would not want to know why they broke up, I dont think anyone ever really knows why unless you evaluate someone on a daily basis.

Not sure if it is contagious, but it definitely places thoughts in people's minds. My wife took a new job a few months before she moved out - Her boss was this very nice woman - well respected in the community. Fortunately for her she was able to have a very gracious divorce years ago from her first husband. Don't know the particulars, but I know they remained friends and on and on...<P>How do I know all of this? My wife began coming home and telling me about it. "Well my boss said this and that, and that 'divorce really is not that bad', etc... ". She would tell me how her boss painted this rosy picture of divorce (granted it only took her I think a year to find her current husband and marry him) - and from her boss's perspective, divorce was not a bad thing at all.<P>All of this was going on while we were in the middle of counseling - talk about bad timing (for me anyway). While I don't think my wife's boss drove her to divorce me, I fully believe it played a pivotal role in her decision.<P>And the one thing I am learning - no one is wrong in a divorce (in their own opinions)! I mean very few people will ever admit they may have made a mistake. So listening to these people who are divorced or are in the process, all you are going to hear are the good things that came from their divorce....<P>For someone trying to make up their mind if it is the right thing for them to do, I think it is a powerful factor<P>...<BR>Mike

Yes, the answer is yes.<P>If someone is unhappy, but does not know how to go about solving their problems correctly, someone with whom they can relate, and who used D to solve their supposedly similar problems, puts ideas into weak and confused minds.<P>My STBX came out with one that just was an example of her picking up on one line to justify what she thought was her best solution to her problems.<P>and to make the situation worse, i told her about what she will discover later on, that you need to talk to solve problems, and that the problems follow you everywhere when you only rearrange the deck chairs. So she will hate me even more to find out the same answer, and now she can't say "i told you i am right with this!"<P>her newest best friend was a divorcee who found her new live in lover from an affair next door to one of the couples best friends.<P>I see it all the time NOW. the woman down the hall ruined her marriage with an affair, and her life is now hell, and she said she now knows how to communicate, and that one can be married for kids, its not impossible, nor is it as unpleasant if you decide to learn and grow.<P>its just the greatest learning experience of growing up and facing reality. but right or wrong, everyone has to convince themselves its right, or they will forever torment themselves on destroying something that was considered sacred.<P>WIFTTy

Mike, <P><BR>I agree, but I was faced with a horrible situation 4 years ago. my best friend, and neighbor.....were having major problems.I had already been through counseling once and it had gotten us back, so I was the strongest advocate of it. Unfortunatly, she knew how difficult it was for me in my marriage then.<P>I just kept telling her that her marriage was different from mine, I could see that they had a "solid root system " with which to work with. In a way I was a friend to both of them, I helped them vent and discuss, using only my experience. They are still together today, and have a wonderful nurturing marriage.there had been verbal abuse and severe control issues they had to work on , but they did it.I feel badly about what they went through, and have been told by my girlfriend that she was only strong enough to handle dealing with the problems because of the strength she saw in me. This seems to happen to a lot of friends I have, is it me? ...am I spreading thoughts in peoples head? I guess this helped me evaluate how good of a friend and advocate I could be for people, when I was staying in such a unfufulling marrige myself. Sorry, just a thought

When I find the time,<P>Oh man, you just made me feel worse, I have to say I agree with you though, because it does go in spurts. I tried hard to not let many of friends know what was going on, hence the " but you guys were so happy" statements I am getting now. I became more responsible with my discussions, as I got older and wiser. AHHHHH<P>If it were not for my kids I would have left earlier in the marriage, even though I beleived it was "sacred" I knew it was going to be a tough marriage.

nikkilynn2,<P>notin' special, just a hug!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>chin up!

I suspect it is.<P>All of my STBX's "new" friends are products of broken marriages. The woman that helped her move out had just finished #3.<P>I guess what is still killing me, is that I know there was a lot more good about our marriage than bad, but there's nothing I can do to make her see that or want to work together to repair it.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

What an interesting question!!<P>I sure hope not!! <P>My lawyer and counselor have said that the holidays are the worst time of year for everyone, and many people break up at holidays or shortly afterward. (falling into your time frame) and as soon as you realize it, we are now starting the holidays again!<P>I know a lot of people all divorcing too. Plus now everyone I know who isn't divorcing, run to me for advice or questions about divorce when they have a little problem. (I don't want to be the expert on this!!)<P>I think when I was married, the problem was just as bad but I was in the "married" world and didn't pay as close attention to it. <P>I wish if it were contagious, we could figure out a way to stop it.

Thanks for the hug Mike.......I needed it!

The fact is that it isn't really divorce per se that is the problem. It's sin....plain and simple (I don't care if you believe in God or not...it's still sin). People think that it's okay to sin (miss the mark) in their relationships by going outside their vows to involve other people in the marriage relationship (an affair) and that is what actually could lead to divorce.<P>And yes, sin is contagious for several reasons:<P>1) It weakens the moral fiber of our society. People's scruples are being chipped away bit by bit and justifiying sin just adds to that chipping.<P>2) It does give others who are somewhat dissatisfied with their marriages the idea that it's not that bad if so many people are doing it.<P>3) It also is "contagious" for the children involved...they will grow up thinking this is "normal" behaviour for adults....stay married until it doesn't work anymore, then do whatever you want to make yourself happy.<P>Not everyone who gets divorced is to blame. I DO NOT want a divorce, but it looks like I will probably end up being a divorcee. My integrity and morality was/is not in question (not that I'm perfect). It was my H's integrity and morality that broke down. HE is the one who allowed another person to be included into a relationship that was meant to be soley one-to-one (our marriage). HE is the one who "let down" his morality to believe it was okay to carry on an affair while he was married. NOT ME.<P>Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><BR>