I want to thank all of you who have responded to my plea for advice in my time of frustration. Just wanted to let you know that with a lot of communication and prayer, things are looking up (no pun intended!). I don't know what finally got to my H--the vitamins, the extra rest he's been getting(since I haven't been "bugging" him at night, when he's dead tired, to meet my needs), or the honest spilling of my feelings--but he's been much better and responding to my advances more.(THANK GOD!)<br> <br>I am actually in love with this man whom I've been married to for over 11 years-after a LONG time of our relationship being stagnant, and concentrating more on the kids and work. It feels great! And I'm praying that he will feel those old "butterflies" again soon(you all can pray for that too!!). Oh, I know he loves me very much--but it's more of a fact instead of a feeling at this point. Any of you men feel the "in love" feeling after years of marriage??

sherl,<p>first, i feel for you ! I've got the same problem, only it's my W who isn't interseted, so I understand.<p>one, the 80 hours/ week has got to be a major contributor, as you and others have stated.<p>two, and i'm surprised there wasn't more said about this, but the fear of pregnancy may be a bigger turn off than both of you realize. have you tried other means that are more effective ? maybe your H will not feel so pressured if you take the initiative to ensure birth control. (i fully realize that personal beliefs may not allow this & also that H should take a more active role, like getting "neutered" if another child bugs him that much) !!<p>for what it's woth, my W told me the other day that "it (sex) just doesn't do much for her) !!! glad I'm a confident guy or this could have been crushing !! She refuses to talk to her doctor about hormone levels, which from all i've researched, seems to be her problem. So that IS putting pressure on our 10 year marriage (thats how we all got to this sute, isn't it ?)<p>Regarding love, i believe as two folks grow separetly & together, the relationaship takes on different levels. Their love can mature to a strong bond, different than the love at first sight feeling. A good friend , who was a wild guy well into his mid 30's, told me that his W & he, after 11 years, have really become lifemates, and truly miss each other when one is not around. He was saying how love takes on a new aura, which he (& she) thought was great !!<p>As for myself, I do feel the potential for turning the corner with my W, but we still have some stuff to work at, so i haven't reached that new level, yet.<p>so, yes, it could happen !!<p>Merry Christmas & Happy New Year !!<p>Nick

Hey Lady-<p>I can definitely relate to your problem, my H is the same way (as I had posted last month). In the entire year that we have been married, I believe we have had sex maybe 10 times. And I am young, willing and able to be anything that my man wants me to be. But I'm not here to talk about that. What I want to say is, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE continue to wait on the Lord and stand on His promises.<p>You see I like yourself prayed and fasted and prayed and fasted for our marriage but this week (yesterday, to be exact) I fell into the arms of another man. No, I'm not proud of what I've done. I let Satan defeat me. I know that He is a waymaker and everything I need. At the time my need was a passionate kiss, a soft caress and I just plain wanted to feel "like a woman". <p>I did not plan this, we never do. Satan has a way of "making" things happen. I love my husband with all my heart and he gives me everything I need accept physical love and affection, the two things I need the most. And I know that if he found out about this, it would kill him inside (not to mention it would almost ruin his pastoral career). I don't want this to happen, I love him too much.<p>The other man in questioned has been transfered to another location so, I know that we will never see each other again. That is a blessing.<p>In the meantime, I am continuing to repent for my adulterous sin, pray and fast, and ask God to heal me and my marriage. I truly believe He can do it. I just got caught up in the moment.<p>Just take heed to this message, believe me you do not want to be in this situation. The Holy Spirit has been whipping me all day and all night for this. It especially gets me when I have to look into his eyes, my heart sinks. <p><p>

Nick, thanks for your reply. I'm sorry your wife feels the way she does (that's how I USED to feel!) A lot of that had to do with the way I felt about myself, I think. How is your wife's self-esteem? When mine was low, sex was the last thing I wanted to do. I looked too much into how I felt--depressed because I had all the child rearing responsibilities (because my husband works so much, and was always too tired to do things with the kids when he was home), resentful and overwhelmed because of the same, and did not feel sexually attractive because my husband didn't show interest for so long. We were in a rut-lived in the same house, but were seperate. <p>If you and your wife are Christians, pray together. My praying is what "cured" me! God has given me my self-esteem back (I realized that my husband was not responsible for how I felt about myself). I do things for him now out of love instead of resentfully doing things. I initiate a lot of the hugs and affection, and I go cuddle with him when he wants to be a "couch potato", instead of getting mad and frustrated. This all has helped our love life. But if your wife doesn't do all those things, you should. Are you affectionate with her? If my husband would have even invited me to his "space" on the couch to cuddle, or offered to do the laundry or dishes once in a while, or arranged child care to take me out,(or, or,or...)we probably wouldn't have gotten to this point. But I got tired of waiting for him to change, so I was the one who changed. And as a result, our marriage is back on track! At first it was just me giving and giving (which is emotionally draining after awhile), but now I've noticed that little by little he's changing too. <p>Things that helped me were to do something for myself. If you have children, your wife may be putting too much into them and not enough into herself. I was always buying things for them or my husband, but never for myself. Everything I did was for someone else. I finally went out and bought myself some new clothes, painted my nails, lost those extra 10 pounds that have been bothering me since our 3rd child was born. All those things helped me feel better about myself. And since I feel better about myself and my body, I finally feel sexy. And because I finally feel sexy, I WANT my husband to make love to me. And that's where my first post came in!!<p>Hope some of what I said makes sense and may help your situation.<p>Merry Christmas to you!<p><p><br>For Princess: I'm sorry about your situation. That must be incredibly hard to deal with, I can't imagine. I know from things I've heard, that pastors don't all have it all together in their home lives, like they have to in front of their congregations. And I'm sure that they have to spread themselves pretty thin to meet so many people's needs, that there might not be a whole lot left for his wife and family. That's a hard one to understand, especially when you know how God wants them to treat their wives. <p>Are you ever going to tell him about what happened? I know God has forgiven you if you have asked Him to, but do you think you can be totally healed without your husband's forgiveness? That would be an incredibly difficult thing to keep to yourself. I'll be praying for you. I pray you can be happy in your marriage, and that your husband will make an effort to meet your needs. Just keep loving him and communicate. Take care, and thanks for your advice(you're right, Satan is out there working overtime to break families up--but I believe he will be defeated very soon!).

Hello everyone, and thanx to sherl for referring me to this column. It has helped. Reading other people's experiences has shown me some things which may be at the root of my husband's lack. Might also be at the root of some of our other problems!<br>Sherl, I agree your husband is working too hard. The psychological stress is enough to take away anyone's lust for life. Work is so hectic and unromantic. Also, your husband's work takes him outside the home and into a sterile type of environment all day, every day. Not spending time absorbing the joy of the life that you two have built together could be a big part of this problem. Maybe you could find a way to arrange for his contributions (he obviously wants so much to contribute) to be centered more on the actual family compound at least one day per week. Not on the financial contributions, but on the actual family community.<br>Your comments i.e. the birth control and the work hours really got me thinking. My husband is out of town, so I am committed to doing some thinking this week. My husband only works about 45 hours per week, but his job in construction is physically exhausting. So he is wiped out at night. He used to still be interested though, even after work, until we got married. It changed on the wedding day, four months ago. Now his job is different, and I think his body clock is even more screwed up due to the fact that he gets up at 4 am. Also, I am in school right now, and he is bringing in the vast majority of our income. I think he is feeling performance anxiety as well as exhaustion, and pressure, even though I make a concerted effort to not pressure about money. I also feel that he is beginning to see me as his father saw his mother. His Dad is totally passive aggressive toward his Mom and has wrecked her self esteem. I think his feelings about me are that now I'm the wife and I'm supposed to make his life hell, even though we are not them. I think he is very scared about having children right away, because even though we agreed not to for financial reasons, it has always been obvious how much I love and want children. I am very family oriented, he is not. He wants a family but I think he is bearing the burden of his father's low self esteem about not providing well for his family. We are using condoms because it's the only thing we can afford right now. I think he feels it is a clumsy and somewhat unreliable method, and so do I. We recently relocated and maybe what I need to do is just to go find a new physician and get some new birth control. Some method he feels he has some control over, so it doesn't feel like he's handing over all the control to me when we make love. I think his Dad has a major castration complex and he has handed it down to my husband.

Nickeee...one more thing. Question: do men really get that turned off about the idea of pregnancy? Do some find it repulsive or something? My father taught me it is supposed to be beautiful. If some men don't like it, then why? Do they dislike children? My husband seems to be great with my 5 neices and nephews (I have two sisters) but still seems very afraid of having our own. Maybe he doesn't really want them, and is telling me what I want to hear? We don't plan to have any for another year or two, when I will be thirty. What if I wait til then and he says no?

Kitty, how is your self esteem? I know mine can get pretty low at times. I was also molested when I was little. I don't remember much except that when my mother would take me to our neighbor's house to visit, the husband would call me from down in the basement to come down cause he "had something to show me". Then, while my mother was up having a cup of coffee with his wife(both totally oblivious to what was going on),he would inappropriatly touch me and make me touch him too. I must've been about 4 or 5, and had absolutely no idea what was going on. I must've been so naive (or scared?) that I never told my mom about it, until the memories came back when I was an adult. Between that and my dad being totally passive(I think he hugged me and told me he loved me 2 times total before he died when I was 22) I seem to be a little dysfunctional in the self worth department. I seem to CRAVE love and affection(maybe so much that my husband could never meet those needs--and it's not fair that I expect him to). Because of the way I am, I seem to make much more of things than I should, I guess. <p>I know you said that your mom was abusive, and that you were sexually abused. Did you get counseling to deal with that? Maybe residual feelings from that time of your life are entering into your marriage relationship. I know my feelings make things tough on my H-feeling like he has to make up for all the love I missed out on from my dad growing up. And I'm much more sensitive about things-I take everything personally. Then you add in what your H is taking into your marriage from his childhood. Maybe he is afraid to have kids, and his way of dealing with it is to distance himself from you. I have a strong feeling now, that that is part of the reason my H's drive has disappeared--kind of like he willed it to--we have three kids now, but I would like to have another one within the next couple years. My H never really comes out and says if he would like to have a 4th or not, but right now would definitely not be a good time because we just purchased some land and need to start working on building a house. I'm sure that's part of the reason he's not trying so hard to get his libido back(?)<p>I'm sure that the fact that your H is trying to deal with his alchohol problem, has a lot to do with how he acts out at home too.<p><br>To anyone else who has given me advice on my problem, I know the last time I wrote, I said things were looking up. Well, we're back into a downword spiral! We had one fantastic week(I think we made love more in that week than we had in the whole last year!). He even initiated once or twice. Then I got my period, so the action stopped for a few days, and NEVER got started again. I thought that everything was going to be alright when that one week went so incredibly well. I was SO happy, and fulfilled, and so in love--and he seemed to be too. Why would he stop trying again? I know when I want to make love and he doesn't feel like it, but "allows" me to get him to have an erection, his erection lasts long enough to satisfy me, but he loses it before he can have an orgasm(boy, I don't think I've ever written that word before!). He says that's okay when that happens, but I feel bad that he doesn't get satisfied. So when I finally came out and asked him if we could make love, He said well, I guess we could try, but you know that if I'm not in the mood it doesn't work. So of course, we didn't try. He says "just be patient". What's being patient going to do when he won't do anything to change? He's waiting for the feeling to come back on it's own, in it's own time. I don't know how I can just WAIT! It's not fair!! If I have to wait too long, I know I'm just going to have to bury those feelings again and distance myself from him, because it's too hard for me to have these strong feelings from him and not be able to act on them--I get depressed, that's all I can think of, and I start to take this personally again. But if I do that, we'll be right back to where we were before--living in the same house, but seperate. I don't want to do that again--I want us to be intimate.<p>I tried to talk to him again about it last night, that we need to figure out what the problem is. Now on top of whatever it is that he's feeling about this, he feels constant pressure from me. And he definitely can't perform under pressure. I'm trying not to pressure him into making love, but I guess if he knows I cry myself to sleep when we don't-that must make him feel awful.<p>On top of ALL this, i think he might have "sleep apnea"--anyone know anything about that? I had my head on his chest this morning, and I noticed that after every 4 or 5 breaths, he would stop breathing for exactly 14 heart beats. Then take 4 or 5 breaths again. This was the exact pattern for the 10 minutes I listened. <p>Jonmark...if you see this, will you ask your partner, the nurse?<p>More advice anyone????????????

To sherl- I think my self-esteem is at a high point right now, ironically. Because although I have never dealt with my childhood in a counseling setting, I have really great friends (one of whom is a psychologist!)Also, I know I am doing what is right for me at this point in my life and I feel like a capable person. I know I am a good person. But I have had very serious issues with my self esteem in the past, throughout my adolescence and even into my early twenties. At one point I hated myself so much that I had to be hospitalized for severe depression for two weeks, I was suicidal. I took antidepressants for 8 months. But through perseverance and a little help from my friends, I now have a totally new outlook and I love life. I know I'll never be that down & out again. The most helpful thing in the world- much moreso than the meds- was realizing that I could talk to my friends and sisters, ask for help, and be given that help, without being judged or resented. If anyone out there has a spouse who's depressed, read the previous sentence twice!!<br>Although it is true that my parents were both unavailable to me as a child, I have managed to develop a great relationship with my Dad, evn though I don't want to discuss certain past events with him. It might break his heart to know exactly what was happening to me while he was drunk. <br>It is so hard for me to know what to do about my H when he avoids the issues. But right now he is out of town and we've been talking on the phone and missing each other so much, because we are still great friends, despite everything. Not talking about issues, but at least talking. Maybe this will spark some closeness when he returns. <br>I really need to hear from nickeee about this birth control/pregnancy issue, don't you? We don't have any children and I am almost twenty eight. I think he is overwhelmed with money pressures and other feelings of responsibility right now because we just got married. Maybe after we settle into our life a little more and get a handle on our finances he will calm down. We were not planning kids for another two years due to finances and me being in school until 12/99, but I don't think he feels he has enough control over it.<br>Sherl, here's an idea; we both ask our husbands point blank if they want to discuss birth control. Make them feel they have a say about the kid issue. At least it would open up communications. Then find an OBGYN and make an appointment to go in WITH our husbands (it's their responsibility too, right!) and discuss our experiences and options. Is it possible we could both come home with a diaphragm and a new sex life? This might also be a good segway into the issue about the next kid...it is a closely related question. It might take alot off both your minds.

Sleep apnea can be quite detrimental to a person's health, and can cause stress on the heart, if I recall my research. It can be caused by physical abnormalities, injuries and alcohol or other depressive drug consumption.<p>I personally believe that it can also cause depression, but I don't remember if I read that or I based that on my observations of my H. You should try to get your H to talk to the doctor about it right away. It is something that if treated could make your H a happier healthier person!<p>terri

Terri, thanks for your reply. Does your H suffer from this? I talked to him this morning after I noticed his breathing, and he pretty much wouldn't take me seriously. Then changed his story and said he only feels tired at night, when people are supposed to be tired. But he'll fall asleep while watching a show on TV, and wake up a minute or two later and make a comment, or laugh at whatever's funny(like he never even fell asleep)--I just noticed that the last few weeks. <p>I searched for info on the internet this morn. and printed out stuff for him to read, and highlighted everything that pertains to his situation, including the reason I posted in the first place--"decreased interest in sex". He's GOT to make the connection! On one hand, I'm relieved that there is finally something to focus on with the sex problem, but on the other hand, I'm afraid he won't seek out the help he needs, and I'm scared to death that one of the times he stops breathing, that he won't start again. I wrote a little letter to give him with the printouts, hopefully he will go to the doctor.<p>Terri, is your H has this--what were his symptoms, and what was the treatment?

Sherl, my H used to experience temporary sleep apnea when he slept after drinking a lot.<p>My boss has it due to a malformation at the back of her throat - it literally closes up after a certain amount of time and she cannot breath. Then she wakes up, but didn't know why. She went to a sleep clinic and they discovered she stopped breathing something like 100 times a night. She now has something like a respirator, only it is air forced into the nose through a mask (looks like a pig nose), which bypasses the problem.<p>There can also be corrective surgery.<p>Alcohol consumption is a big cause of sleep apnea also.<p>Hope this has helped some. My H's attitude was like yours, he refused to believe me. But he snored a lot and was waking up with sort throats all the time and eventually was willing to wear those nose tapes that pull the nose open. He refused to see a doctor about the problem, however - he doesn't believe he needs a doctor for anything most of the time.<p>terri