Betrayed spouses when did you know it was time to go ahead with your divorces?<P>Did you just give up? <BR>Did you not see WWS coming around?<BR>Did you get tired of all the see sawing?<BR>Did you do it for your own sanity?<P>Did all hope finally die?<P>What helped you to ACCEPT a divorce was the only way to go? <P>I know many have said you just KNEW...an ah HA moment...<P>Many times I just want to say THIS IS IT...I'm tired of all this C***...but then a hear this little nagging voice that says....<BR>Are you sure........?<P>Has anyone on this site..had it where both parties finally gave up or is it usually just one spouse and the other has to go with the flow..? <BR>Just trying to understand...where I am at this moment and how much longer I can hold out for H to finally decide what he wants...<BR>I don't want a divorce....H is not sure anymore...but can't seem to commit to rebuilding either...Wants to giv eit more time...Yet if we don't have a set direction to move toward I think we could stay in limbo for a v-e-r-y- long time....<P>It's becoming unbearable....<BR>Tyra

Tyra,<P>I knew it was time to file for divorce when my stbx stopped seeing the boys and helping out with the bills. To me, it proved how little of a man he was. It also made me stop and reflect on how bad my marriage was to begin with. With him gone, I had ALOT of time to think about things that had happened between us over the 10 1/2 years. I also read a lot here about how "normal" people's marriages were. I soon realized that mine was not even close to being normal. I was putting myself and my children in danger daily. <P>Since March, I haven't had any doubts at all that what I'm doing is wrong. I am completely guilt free.<P>Mitzi

For me it was after the third set of counselors that we had gone through and the fact that she only tried for about a week on the reconciliation. Then she became distant again. <P>IN fact tommorrow will be the 1 year anniversary(my birthday too) that I gave up.<P>We never accomplished anything at the counselors(we only went to each of them 2-3 times) and she really buried me each time. When I found out she was back with om, I just gave up.

I do not want the divorce that my H is forcing on me. It will never "be time". The judge granted him a divorce a month ago, and it will be final in two more months, but divorce is just a piece of paper. He may have been "taken over by aliens" but he is still my H, and no piece of paper can change that.

I am where you are now, the hurt will not go away, I constantly feel like C*** and have only this site to let my feelings be heard without thinking I am moaning all the time. BUT I feel like moaning, shouting and crying but am afraid incase that freaks him out. I also know that I cannot compete with the OW she is a lot younger than me and has no committments (like his children) and probably no stretch marks either. the thoughts put on this site by other people really help me as I know they have been there before and some are still there but are able to get passed there hurt and feel for me. I hope this does the same for you.<P>Please take care and lots of hugs to you<P><P>------------------<BR>karen

{{{{{{TYRA}}}}}}}<P>Didn't you seperate and then get back together fairly recently with WS?? Correct me if I'm wrong, I have been off board a few weeks.<P>I'm sure your question is a tough one for a lot of people to answer, but I'll try.<P>My ex cheated once when I was 17. Then again when I was 21. Each time we broke up for a period of 6-12 months. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. We were young, had 2 kids by age 20 and so on.<P>Well when he left last year on xmas day at age 27, left behind me and 3 daughters age 9,7 and 2, I realized that if he could do this he was never going to change.<P>I did try to save it. I gave it one month. Foolish I know. But I got on this board and read about women who had done this up to two years and the agony they were still in.<P>Finally I gave him the one chance and he walked from it.<P>I realized that I was responsible for my own life and I felt that at some point, we have to just accept our fate and make the best of it. I let go. I didn't fight the divorce like I planned. It took 5 months to unravel.<P>When it came down to it, ex regretted the divorce and I was ok with it.<P>We all have those nagging feelings. We always will. But everyone eventually reaches their breaking point, their deadline, whatever we chose it to be.<P>I can tell you that I have met someone who is totally unlike my ex (not many men are like him thank god). I am very happy now in life. But I was happy before too. Not totally happy, but I was surviving.<P>I think our WS sometimes let us go on the roller coaster, because we allow it. Many of us, once we TRULY walked away, and spent time healing, have had our ex's (me too) want to come back.<P>Read the book REBUILDING WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP ENDS. This book will explain a wide variety of emotions you will go thru if you chose divorce. I am all for saving any marriage .<P>I don't believe all are able to be saved and that at some point, we have to just make a decision and stick to it.<P>Good luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for,<BR>Dana<BR>

It was for me - pretty much an ah hah! moment - after much pain, struggle, anxiety , and anguish.<P>It will be a year since d-day and after many months of therapy - seperate and together - there have been a few events lately that just emphasize just how wrong our relationship is and how no improvement has been made over the last year. <P>It is just sad now to me but I have grown strong and am looking forward to what lies ahead - I have a strong belief in God and I know it will be a wonderful path for this next phase of my life.<P>J

To all who replied thank you....<P>I know we all have different BREAKING points..or get that ah ha moment....<P>Yes Dana my H had come back to town, except he never moved back in and wanted to wait until he found a job to work on us...and the marriage....<P>Well he moved out of state and got a job and now since my attorney attached his wages...because I hadn't received any support for 7 months now....and I need that order to apply for medical benefits for myself and our son....and of course the money to live on...<BR>]<BR>Well H called me today just furious about it...I asked him do you love me enough to work on this marriage and he said no I don't...<P>So I guess this is it for me...All these months I kept doing everything I could...but to no avail...just postponed the D...and for what? Well for me at least I now believe and know I did all I could and I guess if he restarts the divorce process ....oh well ..I guess I will be getting divorced real soon....<P>Thanks again everyone....<BR>

Tyra,<P>I'm sorry to hear it didnt' work out for you. Hopefully you have a good attorney to get that back child support for you. I got really jipped, I had a good attorney, I was just too down to fight it out .<P>Now i have to go back and "re-hash" it all in a few months and I dread it. <P>You might reach your breaking point, but be aware that you will still get those doubts, especially when you are sick, your children are hurt or sick, your lonely, or its a special/memorable day for you for some reason. <P>Try to do some things to keep your spirits up because I really think looking back, the first few months AFTER I accepted the divorce were actually a little worse than the shock of discovery. <P>Prayers and hugs,Dana<BR>

Hi Tyra,<P>I think I knew it was time to give up when the papers were served on me, but I hung around for some more unnecessary punishment. When her sock puppet had a spiritual awakening and decided to go home to his wife and kids, she took our children from our home and moved back in with her mother. Then her motel bills started showing up on the credit card I was still paying. Nothing suspicious about that you understand. According to her lawyer she just needed to get away by herself for a night or two. By that time, I had a place to lay my head, and must confess that I took some comfort there, regrettably with a woman who had been friends with my ex. We had made such a horrible mess, all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't have put it back together. <P>Our daughter was married last week, and my ex and I danced together at the wedding. <BR>She told me there were times she wanted to shoot me. She said that if she had known I would stay this devoted to the kids, she would have left me five years sooner. Had to thank her for not shooting me.

My H sent me an e-mail tonight...Telling me how sorry he is for all the hurt he has caused me....<BR>Hopes one day he can get over this MLC without too much damage....<P>I think it's too late...<P>My spirit is broken and I just can't imagine us back together....<BR>I hope this is just the pain I am feeling that has made me feel numb....and at this point just so...empty....<P>Maybe this is how "moving on feels" EMPTY....<BR>I just do not want to look back on the past 18 months...soooo much pain and I think I have cried enough sad tears to last a lifetime.....<P>I want happy tears now...<BR>I want joy and laughter and seeing my new grandchild and playing with my grandson and watching my son grow up healty and strong...without much ill effects of these past months...I will focus the rest of my life on making our home a happy and wonderful place to be .Even without his dad around..<P>Maybe not hearing H's voice will help me....God I hope soooo....<P>Thanks everyone I tried ...but h's MLC is too powerful for even my LOVE to overcome...<P><BR>

I think I gave up when I finally realized that I wasn't who she wanted anymore. It has been very difficult for me to accept that she no longer has any feelings for me. I think I would understand it better if I was a fundamentally "bad" person, but I know I'm not. <P>The pain was so bad while I was trying to hold on to her that I could not take it anymore. It was only when I gave up trying that the hurt began to ease. I knew it was time to let go of her when I felt that my life was nothing without her<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited November 10, 2000).]