My wife won't reconcile. Says she loves me but puts the blame on me . Says I'll never forget and never forgive her long lasting indiscretion and that I will always be checking up on her and that she can't live with that.<P>So end of the story. She will not take responsibility for her actions and even attempt at making the marriage work. Obviously that has not been her goal since the beginning.<P>So, how much of the real story do I tell my 7 yr old? I lost two sons from a previous marriage because my wife lied but I refused to enter into the "trap" of proving her wrong with my then 8 & 9 year old sons. Now they believe her and I don't see them any more. They are teenagers now.<P>Suggestions?

Do not lie to your son. Do not let your son lose his father. I do not understand how a father can live without his children.

tell him as much as he is able to understand, let him ask the questions after you start the conversation with some leading but gentle questions, do not lie to him but i know it is hard to try and not be nasty about his mother. He will then start taking sides and you will loose out if he is living with her.<P>Good luck it will be a challenge but it is worth every bite of the tongue and turn of the cheek if you are able to get through this and still have your son.<P>------------------<BR>karen

Hello John,<P>My daughter's dad left on xmas day. I had a lot of explaining to do for HIM.<P>I started by calling the pediatrician and the school counselor and the teachers. I was referred to a counselor. My children started a six month intensive counseling session which is now basically routine/maintanence for stability for the kids.<P>Children NEVER want their family broke up. Most of the spouses don't either. Its a sad situation that many of us find ourselves in.<P>From what I learned, its best to be honest with the kids, but to a point. Remember that the kids don't understand the whole complexity to all this. <P>You can be honest, and at the same time, not tell them everything. Never talk bad about the kids other parent and always be civil when around each other and at least the kids can be healthy .<P>My children have been thru a bad situation, but they are just as healthy emotionally as a child who never went thru it. It takes A LOT of hard work.<P>In the end, its the kids who matter most. We adults have different skills and abilities to cope, but the kids, need special attention.<P>Maybe you could call the same people before you say too much because all situations are different.<P>Good luck,Dana<BR>

Thank you all for you advice. My daughter is having a real tough time with the issues, she basically knows what is going on...but her mother has instructed her not to say anything about what goes on in their house. Since I don't ask her, that was unnecessary, and I believe it is teaching my daughter to do the same thing someday. I don't want her to learn that or go through that. She is "Daddy's girl" but she loves her mom too and this is so hard on her and I hate to see her go through this. It's bad enough for me to see the wife I love be unfaithful, but to have her daughter help her cover her indiscretion is hard to swallow.

I never ask my kids what happens at their dad's house, but over the course of the following week, I always hear bits and pieces thru "other" conversation.<P>I really don't like my girls telling their dad what goes on in our house either, but I would never tell them that.<P>Unfortunately the kids get stuck in the middle. I think counseling for your daughter would be a good start.<P>If it doesn't go well, don't be afraid to try a new one, not everyone is good with kids, you want someone who has a good reputation with the kids.<P>Good luck,<BR>Dana<BR>

P.S.<P>I almost forgot, my girls dad, who left on xmas and ignores them ALL the time, is STILL the daddy in their eyes and they are still "daddy's little girls" in their own eyes, even though I think he abandon them. Your daughter will not lose touch with that.<BR>

I believe the best think i ever did for my 7 yr old was counselling.<BR>This gave her a place to feel safe.<BR>Someone to talk to, without feeling judged or like she was betraying.<BR>It gave her someone to support her idea's and address her concern's.<BR>It still does.<BR>She has been in counselling for almost a year.<BR>It may pick at your pocket but really it is so worth it. The support she will feel is invaluable!!!<BR>I'll leave her there until she is ready to leave.<BR>That's her safe place and I am not threatened by it. I have taught my daughter self-expression and the importance of promises. I want her to know that she can be angry, sad , mad even if it is at me or displaced at me. When she asks me questions i give her the answer only. NO explanation until she asks. I never ask about counselling or her time with her father. I let her tell me. Actually the only thing i ever ask is did you see your counsellor today? If she goes into conversation mode i let her. If she says yes then drops it so do i.<P>I hope this helps you....