When my husband said he wanted us to separate, he said part of the reason was because he didn't want to resent me. We both got very emotional, and he told me he hates me.<br>A few days later, when we had calmed down, I asked him if he meant it, he said that he does have feelings of hate towards me. He then went on to say that surely hate was better than nothing, and that hate and love were two sides of the same coin.<br>Does anyone agree with this, or is it just a cliche?<br>Bev

Bev,<p>Hate indicates a state of conflict. It's the emptiness (withdrawal) that's farther from the state of intimacy.<p>My wife probably would have said that she 'hated' things about me 3 years ago. It's when the emptiness overwhelmed her that she had her affair. It's been a long journey back to intimacy, but it can happen.<p>Try not to view his hate as a personal attack, but rather as information that you need in order to adjust aspects of your relationship with him. Eliminate those lovebusters that are causing those feelings, and the intimacy will come back.

Bev,<br>Hate is natural. My wife said the same thing to me. I tried to put myself in her shoes and find out why they would HATE us. <br>Here is my opinion. Keep in mind that I am not a therapist.<br>They have done something that is not acceptable to society (despite what some people think). They don't want to think of themselves as "bad", and they can't believe that they are, and have acted this way. They hate themselves for what they have done, and what is going on. So, in trying to rationalize what is going on, they blame their spouse. It must be our fault. If we had made them happy, met their needs, etc, this would never have happened. <br>This is a terrible burden for them to bear alone. Infidelity, deceit. <br>As much as I resent her for having her affair, I pity her for having to deal with this. I know what I would be going through if I did this, and caused such anguish.<br>As you and your husband recover, these resentments tend to lessen. Counseling helps a lot. <br>One of the things my wife couln't understand, and still has problems with, is understanding that you can hate someone, or something about them, and still love them. She saw things in black and white. <br>Take everything he says with a grain of salt. Emotions are still running high, and controlling what both of you say, and do.<br>Good luck.