Ive been married 2 years to an alcoholic.<BR>after filing for divorce, he still haasnt got the message. Is there any hope he will get straight, or do i just go on alone?<BR>Your input is important<BR>Dar

I don't know but wanted to respond. My x had a drinking problem and refused to give up drinking when it started causing problems in our marriage. I used to drink a lot when we first met (in college) but as I got older I didn't like it as much (hangovers, etc.). He never wanted the partying to end.<P>I think the only way he will quit is if he wants to quit. You can't force someone to change. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dar:<BR><B>Ive been married 2 years to an alcoholic.<BR>after filing for divorce, he still haasnt got the message. Is there any hope he will get straight, or do i just go on alone?<BR>Your input is important<BR>Dar</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hi Dar,<P>Is there a chance he will get straight? According to NIH, only one in thirty five people who are alcoholic get proper treatment and stop drinking forever.<P>Those that seek help can be divided into nearly three groups. One third will get the program and never drink again, one third will drink again without catastrophic consequences, then get the program and never drink again. The remaining third will drink until they wind up either hospitalized, in prison or dead.<P>Nobody wakes up on a morning when the sun is shining and the birds are singing and decides that today is the day I will do something about my drinking problem. The day the alcoholic will most likely seek proper therapy is the day when he/she is in a jam directly attributable to the drinking behavior. It is fairly easy to get a DUI, or a person in danger of losing a job into treatment.<P>It is also faily easy to get a person whose marriage is in trouble to agree to treatment. (Don't be surprised if it is on his terms, or he tries to set conditions.) Bear in mind that deciept and deception are very much a part of alcoholic behavior, and he isn't going to get sincere right away. He doesn't really want to stop drinking, but he is tired of the problems. The first thing he may try is out patient rehab, just to get past the problems, but somewhere in the back of his mind is the idea that someday he can go back to drinking the way he was, but without the problems. That never happens, Rule one is if you drank and it caused problems, it will always cause problems when you drink. <P>There is no such thing as instant sobriety for the alcoholic. The usual recommendation is that life changing decisions should be postphoned at least until the alcoholic is sober for a year. By the end of two years he is usually pretty will cleared up. Relapses are still fairly common after two years, but after five years of continuous sobriety, relapse is rare. <P><BR>Pray for the best, but prepare for the worst. I'm a recovered alcoholic, been sober for over twenty years. Divorce and alcoholism are not strangers. The programs that have been successful treat alcoholism as a family disease, and although it may be hard to accept right now, the marriage to an alcoholic has probably had it's effect on you too.<P>Have you considered getting involved with the Al-Anon family groups? They are probably listed in your local telephone directory.<P>Most alcohol rehab institutions have a video tape called Father Martin's Chalk Talk. It is probably the most interesting and informative and entertaining talks on alcoholism I've ever seen. If you call one of these places, they may invite you to come in and view it. If you have an employee assistance program available at work, they will know how to get to this too.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{DAR}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>If there is anything I can share to help, I am, <P>Doug2697@AOL.com <P><BR>

{{{{{DAR}}}}}},<P>I married my H 9 months ago knowing he had been clean and sober for almost 5 years. Immediately I realized all sorts of infidelity and multiple addictions (porn being a big one).<P>He's confessed to doing crack cocaine many times since the wedding. He disappeared in September for 2 days and it's becoming clear he flew out of state to FLA - nice he could escape while I paced the floors wondering where he was. <P>He's going to AA 2-4 times a week, but I think he's one of those who go, but it's all a lie! He hasn't committed himself to recovery.<P>I've been going to Al-Anon Wednesday nights. It's helped a bit.<P>Have you discussed possible recovery? What did he say?<P>I found a codependants message board on iVillage and it's really awesome. I was given some harsh advice (harsh, but with love) as to what I should expect.<P>My H and I discussed divorce about 3 weeks ago, but haven't since. I told him what I needed from him for me to consider staying in the marriage and he hasn't come to me yet.<P>Our marriage has been one big lie so it'll be hard for me to stay unless he does what I asked. Our counselor says I'm not the lie, but she agrees that enough is enough!<P>Can you get away at all? Take time to decide if you want to fight for the marriage or let go. I suggest you try al-anon even if you do let go. If you don't deal with this for yourself it may very well stay with you.<P>Good luck!!<BR>

Dar,<P>I think Bumperli gave you some great advice. I never heard that statistic but it certainly makes sense. Especially when I think about how many people I know who do drink to a point of it being a problem.<P>I don't think many people can be helped, they have to want to be helped or do it alone. <P>I dealt with drug and alcohol addiction with my ex for years. As far as I know, he's not doing anything now, and hasn't for 3 years. Glad to see the OW is reeping all the benefits of my pain and suffering thru it.<P>However, she keeps him on a tight leash and he has no freedom, I think he'll snap soon.<P>I grew up in an alcoholic family and its very hard on a child to deal with and understand this problem.<P>Everyeone is different though, maybe your H will not want you to leave, but you could also be taking a gamble. <P>Good luck, Dana<BR>