Those who have been viewing this board for a while may have remembered an earlier post of mine describing my concerns about an “unreliable bride to be.” Well, guess who is not getting married next month. This post is for those who took the time to give me their 2 cents. And if anyone out there is wondering about their future spouse, I want to offer my conclusions. I’m also gonna rant a bit.<p>What I finally figured out was that Diane (not her real name) based her actions and decisions on what was best for Diane. She was not a bad person, she was just very independent and had little room in her life left over for me. Consequently, when a conflict arose regarding her many activities and me, she would try to shoe-horn me in but otherwise, I just had to accept it.<p>But I was in love and I let things go on way too long. Here are some of the warning signs I chose to ignore:<p>1. “I do not like paying for dinner.”<br>2. “I know the job I’m interviewing for is in another city..I’m just doing it for the practice.”<br>3. She moves for the job.<br>4. She tells me not to visit for Valentines day weekend (3 day) because she “made other plans” with an old friend.<br>5. I take a day off from work to spend with her because she’s in town. She wants to have lunch with old co-workers w/o me. She leaves me hanging for oh, 3 ½ hours.<br>6. She blocks off a week of vacation time but does not tell me until it was too late for me to do likewise.<br>7. Two books (from the discount bin) and a magazine subscription for my birthday. This is the week after our engagement. And dinner 3 weeks later. <br>8. She says she’ll be home when I arrive (250 mile car trip). I arrive and wait for 2 hours because she “lost track of time.” <br>9. She goes to buy the movie tickets while I park the car. I don’t find out that I paid until I find $20 missing from my wallet.<br>10. “I’ll take you to dinner this weekend – I know this really great place.” Oops, she forgot.<br>11. I don’t get invited to attend her HS reunion with her.<br>12. Changes dinner plans w/me in order to go to dinner/drinks with her business associates. Gets in past midnight. Said “the meeting went late.” <br>13. Always at least 1-2 hours late when meeting someplace. Passing the time in a building lobby in the dead of winter is real fun.<br>14. The bus station incident mentioned in my earlier post.<br>15. “I’ll call you tonight.” Oops, forgot. (repeat 4 or 5 times per month)<br>16. “I know I promised.. but things have changed.”<br>17. (Alright, alright, I’ll shut up.)<p>So who is to blame here? It’s ME of course. I did not pay attention to the signs. I was in love. I was an idiot. And get this: at one point her father called me to chew me out for bringing so much distress to her family after a phone fight.<p>So I cut the cord. I called off the wedding and now I’m the villain. I feel terrible. <p>Thanks for letting me rant and rave. I think this is called the "anger phase." <br>

Wow - sure sounds like you've been through a lot with "Diane", and even though it's only one side of the story, it also sounds like you did the right thing. She doesn't deserve you. And no one deserves to be treated like that. Keep your chin up; good luck getting through this rough time.

DavefromNJ,<p> Take heart, my friend! I know you feel like hell now, but take it from me: I wish I were in your shoes. (or better yet, could have been as sensible as you are!)<p> I've been married 15 years, and although your "Diane" make my wife sound perfect (and she nearly is, I do love her very much) I should have seen the "signs" before I tied the knot.<p> Basically, your fiancée' put you at the END of a pretty long list of priorities. (I'm there too.) You were smart enough to see this, and called it off while you still had the chance. That rates a CONGRATULATIONS!!!<p> I know you wanna-be in-laws are PO'd at you. There's probably no way they'll ever see that YOU were right in acting as you did. To them you're the "bad guy" who broke their wonderful, beautiful, perfect daughter's heart (oh, if they only knew WHO's heart was being broken daily - YOURS!) Basically, you'll have to be content KNOWING that you did the right thing - for both of you!<p> So, Dave from NJ. Relax, recharge, repair your damaged heart. Count yourself among the lucky ones who didn't receive a "fatal" injury. Learn from your disastrous near-marriage, know what to look for in the future. (I forgot if you said how old you are, but) Your life is STILL ahead of you. <p>Now, go live it!<p>Val<br>(The Husband)<p>PS. This reminds me of a joke (most things do):<p>A woman who's been married to her husband for 20 years says - "I was crazy when I married you!". "I know", he says, "But I was in love at the time and didn't notice".<br><p>[This message has been edited by V (edited 12-18-98).]

Dave, as one of the respondents to your original pose, I'm glad you let us know how it turned out. I'm saddened that your fiance' has treated you so poorly on so many occasions, but I truly think you've made the best decision for the long run. I expect you'll be much happier if you find a young women that has empathy and values more in line with your own; though opposites attract at times, they may not do well together in the long run!!<br>Hope you can make the most of the holidays in spite of these recent events- Good luck.

Dave <br>i'm with val. You had great luck. my wife as always put me last. Now she left becauseshe couldn't stand the guilt of hurting me or so she says. But before she left we had a beautiful child together and two beautiful step-daughters from her first marriage (she made the same mistakes again)<br>Just be glad that there was no kids to suffer through this with you. she would have shuffled the kids off on you or a babysitter while she constantly feed her own needs and wants. Selfish people should stay childless and single. God answered you prayers thank him everyday for the happy life you will have.

Sounds like she was seriously screwing around, and didn't even bother to hide that fact from you! I feel sorry for any man who meets a woman like that.

No, no, no she was not messing around. <p>She lives at home with M&D right now (and her father is too meddlesome to allow it.) She was simply apathetic to my needs. It never dawned on her that she should take my feelings into account when making decisions.<p>I used to say to myself "I'm busy taking care of her needs while she is busy taking care of her needs." She is simply breath-takingly selfish.<p>Now that it's over, I can see all of the work required of me just to keep it going. It was the proverbial "bird flying on one wing" (it has to flap twice as fast or something) or "the sound of one hand clapping" Or maybe this: if only one side rows, the boat goes in a circle. Whatever. <p>With 20-20 hindsight as my guide, I should have stopped trying so hard from time to time and if it crashed and burned as a result then so be it.<p>But don't get me wrong. It was also right in so many ways. So much good to counter the bad. It was really a hard decision. This is why it was an 11th hour break. <p>She was romantically careless - not calculating.