Well the day has come.<P>Last night a nice officer appeared at my door with papers in hand. He said that I was probably expecting these - I smiled and yes I was and then said that he must not like this part of the job too much. He smiled and we both kind of laughed.<P>Didn't think I was going to read them alone, but I just started without thinking. She cites extreme cruelty as the grounds for divorce. While I know that her lawyer had to come up with something, this took me back a little. I thought she would file a "no-fault" divorce and to be honest that would have made things somewhat easier (if it can be easier).<P>I began reading and was amazed. Last week I thought I would be so upset at getting them, but as I read through it, it really sunk in on how "out there" she is. I know that some may reply here that she is just doing what she thinks is right and that not everyone who files is crazy, but bear with me on this one in the case of my wife....<P>One clause in the papers dealt with how I did not read over a paper she wrote for school or how I did not look at a test she got an "A" on - when she gave it to me. I know that I should have stopped what I was doing and read it, but I didn't. I'm sorry about it, but is it a reason for divorce?<P>Another issue dealt with me not wanting to walk the dog in the morning. That day she was not feeling good and asked me to do it [side note: My wife usually has something wrong with her 3 to 4 times per month]. I told her I could not do it. Was I selfish - yes. Did we argue about it - yes. Grounds for a divorce?<P>The "biggie" deals with what she calls "frequent abuse of alcohol". Don't agree with that at all... I moved to her home town leaving behind friends and family. Where we lived there are not too many people who are my age during the winter months(its a resort area). BUT over the summer, my high school friends would come down and stay with us maybe twice a month for a day or two. Often she would suggest I invite them down. We would want to go out and SHE would offer to drive us. She would drop us off at a bar then come back and pick us up later. She NEVER wanted to stay. Growing up with these friends, partying was a big part of our lives (high school and college) but we never got out of hand (no arrests, no injuries, no situations). We would just go out and have a good time and drink some beers. Well when they came down they were all single and still in that lifestyle. When we went out, they were used to drinking - I WASN'T. In fact I rarely, if ever, drank during the rest of the year (maybe one beer once every now and then). So when we went out I would end up trying to keep up with them and next thing I knew, I had a little too much. Am I violent when I drink? NO. Do I get weird? NO. If anything I get a little frisky (which of course she would have no desire for - and I understood that). My point is, if it was such a problem with her and it only occurred when my friends came down, why would she offer to drive or even worse, why would she ask me to invite them down in the first place? Many times I did not even want them to come down for various reasons! <P>Bottom line is that they would come down a total of 6 or 7 times per summer (per year) - so I maybe was drunk 6 or 7 times per year (ONLY WHEN I SAW THEM). Is that abusing alcohol? Some may say yes - I don't know. BUT did I ever once put myself or her in any kind of danger - NO WAY!!!! Did I ever get physical or violent with her? NO WAY. It was more the contrary - my friends would work to get me "feeling good" because I tend to be a lot of fun (let down my guard and inhibitions go away). Can I stop drinking? Yes. The past year and a half I can count on one hand how many times I went out like that. And now being older, it is definitely not as fun (especially now that a hangover may last 2 - 3 days!!) It is just not worth it. It has lost its appeal.<P>The worst statement of the whole complaint read "the above mentioned acts have endangered the safety and health of Plaintiff..." THAT MADE ME SICK TO MY STOMACHE. My wife never once feared me - she had absolutely no reason to!!!!!! To harm her would be the worst thing in my life, in my world. I loved her so much. I NEVER ONCE EVEN THOUGHT OF RAISING A HAND TO HER.<P>Anyways, it really shows me how creative attorney's can get and how "out there" she is. The stories she cites were all one or two time events. In no way are they indicative or our whole marriage. If we had 12 bad days per year, what about the other 300 and something days? But, she is only focusing on the few and will not even listen when I bring up the good - which far outweighs the bad....<P>Now I face the issue of what do I do? Do I counter-sue? Do I contest the divorce? Answers I will have to discuss with my attorney. No I don't want a divorce, but I am not going to stop her. At the same time I am a very proud person who believes strongly in myself and my character. I will not let inflammatory statements go on record without some sort of argument to the contrary.<P>Boy that felt good to vent...<P>Mike

<BR>Mike,<P>Some folks can't handle the guilt of leaving a marriage on no fault grounds. If she can paint you to be the bad guy, then doing so will allow her to tell herself (and others) what an abusive person you were. Money might also play a role, as fault divorces can lead to a larger financial settlement for the plaintiff.<P>IMO, if she is alleging things that aren't true, see a lawyer and prepare to fight back. Enduring an undesired divorce is bad enough, but you shouldn't even think about letting lies about you get by. JMO.<P>Bystander

Tell ya what--let's do something nice: Let's set your wife up with my husband, and it will be a perfect match!<P>I, too, am accused of cruelty, physical and emotional abuse (huh?!!!!) when I did nothing in this world but love my husband, so I know how ya feel.<P>Used to be that one of my biggest downfalls, one of my biggest peeves, was being accused of something that I did not do. Well, this marriage and the end of it has gotten me over that--I now have the ability to look within myself and feel at peace, knowing that while I am not a perfect person, I am a good person and I have the ability to rise above meaness and anger without reacting defensively.<P>Yeah, getting those papers must have hurt--knowing that this is final, the real deal; on top of that, having all the love you have given your wife thrown back at you. My prayers to you that you may feel some comfort and some peace inside your heart.<P>Mary

Mike,<BR>I'm not where you are at yet, with papers in my hand, but I bet it sure was hard on you. Just know that we all care for you and support you here, and any time you want or need to vent, vent away! <P>You're in my thoughts and prayers today,<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Yeah, getting the papers is no fun. I took mine to the therapist's office. May not have even opened them for a day or two till I could get there. I don't know. And the day I got them, I discovered x had been throwing some of my stuff away. <P>Perhaps, as part of the negotiations she will agree to change the grounds? I think it's part of the lawyer's job to get you angry so the bill will go up. I do recommend you get your own lawyer. I remember I was so hurt by it all that I could not negotiate with x. He is still so vindictive toward me that I still can't negotiate with him well. Even admits that one of his goals is to make my life hell. Go figure. And he thinks he's in good shape with God.<P>Some people just really like playing with their home lobotomy kit.

I didn't know you could get a "home lobotomy kit" I wonder what aisle of Wal-Mart my wife found hers at. <P>Seriously Mike, I think you need to get an attorney to fix this. It seems like she's going to extreme measures to justify divorce. Maybe you can negotiate it down to irreconcilable differences. That's what my STBX put on the SA we just negotiated.<P>She certainly does sound out there.<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Thanks All...<P>Just sitting down at work now after a busy day (trying not to think about anything). Your thoughts are well appreciated. Although I went out at lunch and changed my locks (even though she is in Florida, attorney father lives 10 minutes away), I still don't "hate" her.<P>Last night I was amazed - today I was angry and sad - now I am somewhat relieved and at peace. I had been waiting to get the papers for the past few weeks and now that I have them, the control is back in my court (so to speak!).<P>The real bottom line to all of this is that I know she has issues within herself she needs to deal with. Demons and skeletons. I knew this all shortly after I met her years ago, so I know it is not just me rationalizing my position. <P>What she is doing now is trying to rationalize her actions, but I know someday she will have to face up to the demons within. Now that I will be shortly out of the picture, she will have no one to blame for her unhappiness. Then she will have no where to turn but inside. True she can use the divorce as a crutch, but how long can that last?<P>I really, truly feel for her. To not be happy in life with who you are, is such a terrible thing. Her feelings are directly related to both how she was raised, and to several "bad" incidents that occurred growing up. BUT, and this is a big BUT, you can only blame your past for so much - someday you are going to have to stand up to your past and face it head-on.<P>The hardest part is although I know she is only striking out against me, it is so hard to not start doubting myself... Am I truly a good person? Did I really make her scared in our marriage? Did I really have a drinking problem? Those are hard questions to answer - I don't even like asking them.<P>As for a lawyer, I know I have no choice but to get good counsel. I just want to find a lawyer that will standup for "my rights" and defend me, but not attack her - Is that possible? I have such a low opinion of lawyers - often think they are hypocritical most of the time (even the nicest ones). It is not all their fault, just the nature of their career choice.<P>Now I am off to the gym. Thanks again everybody - it was nice to check back here and see so many replies posted so quickly.<P>God Bless Us All and may He grant us the love grace and wisdom to get through these tough times.<P>Mike

Amen, Brother Mike.<P>If people are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them Anyway.<P>If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good Anyway.<P>If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed Anyway.<P>The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good Anyway.<P>Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank Anyway.<P>People love underdogs, but follow only top dogs. Follow some underdog Anyway.<P>What you spend years building my be destroyed overnight. Build Anyway.<P>People really need help, but may attack you if you help them. Help people Anyway.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Mike,<P>I know how you feel. I pray for you and all the betrayed, every night, in elevators, in my car, on the toilet. This is only the beginning, you will see many more contrived and inaccurately phrased allegations as the thing unravels. Can't remember if you have children or not, if so, the motions she'll take to gain custody or move will be loaded with false allegations. Just bear with it. Through it all, W and I were genrally civil and even had a laugh or two. We now have hour long conversations on the phone each week.<P>Before my papers came, she even told me that "most of the stuff you're gonna see on there isn't true, but I had to make something up."<BR>Cute, huh?<P>When I got the motion for her to move out of state with our 4 yo daughter, she even put a photocopy of the Father's Day card I sent her stepfather with a private message to him inside. Below the copy of the card was her sister's commentary (addressed to my daughter), "If your Daddy feels that grandpa is this great, he should have no problem allowing you to move up here with him."<P>That one hurt.<P>They'll fudge driving distances, skew travel times, and sway everything their way.<P>My W is now in CT, me in NJ. She said in her motion that she felt like a "foreigner" in NJ (she lived here for 8 years) and that the work ethic in CT was better. Her attorney is also originally from CT. I intend to ask her at the end of all this if she feels like a foreigner and if she moved to NJ so she wouldn't have to work so hard.<P>It will get ugly, but it's amazing how both of you may come to realize what a bunch of whores these lawyers are.<P>At this time, I would recommend that you get an attorney and sock her with something even more "emotionally cruel." I'm sure you can come up with plenty, I did.<P>Jay

Mike,<P>Work was a little nuts today and I haven't been able to devote the necessary time to this post until now. I am so sorry that you are going through this and that your wife is now acting in this manner. This is the first time in our almost identical situations where we don’t seem to be mirroring one another. Unfortunately, my wife took the high road while yours appears to be taking the low road, but both roads let to the same place my friend, and when all of the dust has cleared, we will both be divorced. It’s a shame that your wife just didn’t file for the amicable no-fault divorce and just get it over with. With her lies and skewed perceptions, she is asking for a war and may not even know it. I obviously don’t know your wife, but I am fairly confident that her actions are being initiated by someone else, probably her counsel (maybe father too?)<P>My best advice to you is to cover your @$$ as soon as you can. Find an attorney and be upfront with him/her. An attorney’s job is to do what is in the best interest of their client. If her father is a local attorney, what kind of law does he practice? Does he have a good a reputation with a lot of connections? I’m not sure how, but try to avoid any of this man’s colleagues. If you are not dealing with a ‘familiar’ attorney to you, be careful. Were the papers filed in your state or from Florida? Is it possible that a family attorney from your home town can help? Just look at all of your options. Ask questions of others in your area you know that may have been through a divorce and can give you a referral. <P>Mike, I know you love your wife, but this woman is no longer the same woman you married. Maybe she will return so herself one day, but don’t let yourself be hurt any more because of this. The woman you married would not be treating you like this. Not only has she called the fight, she’s taken off the gloves and has strapped on the body armor. Do not enter this fight unprepared. You are a good, honorable, loving man. You may not be perfect, nobody is, but you are allowed to get angry and you are allowed to protect yourself. At some point, enough is enough. I think insulting your character after everything you have been through is the last straw. You can still love her, but you are allowed to HATE what she is doing. <P>Stay polite, stay civil, stay in control of yourself, but do not lie down and take this. My wife started to stray from our initial agreement which would have devastated me financially. If she had pursued her desired course and won, there is a good chance that I would have had to file for bankruptcy. File for bankruptcy, sell my house, destroy my credit and insult my character all for doing nothing but being a loving, supporting husband and friend because my wife was irresponsible with money. No Sir. Not me. I got mad for the first time in our 7 year relationship and I literally ripped her a new one over the phone. She had no idea what she was getting into and she quickly backed down. I absolutely did not want it to get that way, but I was not giving into her wishes this time without a fight. <P>I made her cry that night and I felt very guilty. The next day I changed my locks and finally began to feel myself taking control of my life for the first time in months. I felt bad for my phone conversation with her and I still do, but I also felt vindicated at the same time. Changing the locks on my house was one of the most psychologically therapeutic things I have done.<P>It sounds like you are thinking clearly and that you are headed down the right track. Do not hesitate to ask for advice or opinions of us during this process. You have a lot of friends out here who are willing to lend an ear whenever you need one. If I’m not mistaken, Jim has given out links from time to time regarding divorce laws and attorneys, maybe he’ll see this thread and will offer them one more time. You are an intelligent person, Mike, and I’m sure you will come out of this ok.<P>Whenever you are ready my friend, the first beer is on me!<P>Shawn <BR>

Thanks all once again. It feels good to have people out there who don't even know me personally, but who are going through the same things and have enough love and consideration in their hearts to care.<P>Off to another tough day at work, but am sure I will be posting later on today.<P>Thanks again, this thread helped me get today started off on the right foot.<P>BTW: Changed all the locks last night - Not only did it suck emotionally, those things can be a pain in the *$$ to change!! Keep in mind I am also a person who rarely consults paper manuals - amazingly once I opened them up, the locks went on just fine!!! <P>Mike

WOW <BR>I cant beleive she is even going this route.............I am hoping I dont get any surprises, my husband is filing and we have decided on incompatibility. <P>I think we could all figure out a time when we have treated or been treated cruel by our spouses. That is really pathetic......if your wife can get you on that, then I could have my husband thrown in jail. <BR>I am sorry to hear all that Mike, if I can help in any way let me know.

Mike,<P>I hope you don't mind, but I had a very similar experience to yours this weekend. From the wise council of a couple of friends, I did an asset inventory this weekend, sent my STBX packing to his honey's, and got the locks to change the locks. I'm, starting to reclaim some things I had sort of let go. But changing the locks was very difficult, because I am locking him out. I never thought that after all the cr*p he has pulled on me, it would be an emotional experience to inventory assets and change locks!! I guess it seems so much more real and final. <P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

ok, I have a question for you all. My husband moved out 1 week ago.it was his weekend with the kids, so friday night, I was out for 2 hours with girlfriends. when I came home, I noticed the toilet seat was up.........noone else was home, and I had gone just before I left. His brother was in town for the weekend with him, do you think they could have come over while I was gone and been taking things? I called and asked him, but he denied it.I have not put anything off limits to him that he has asked for, but what if he is trying to be sneaky? should I change the locks?

By all means, change those locks. I actually only changed one. The storm doors stay locked and he would have a hard time getting to the front doors. But he was more than a little annoyed when I changed that one lock. Nah, I'm not worried about him getting into any mischief now. <P>But don't you wish you'd had a video camera to know who came in and what they did?

I sure would........... I know divorce can make a person do strange things, but he is really acting weird, it makes me soooo mad that I spent all these years trying to fix our marriage, and he spent so many years avoiding it........he has done a 360 turn around so fast, it really makes me wonder exactly how alof he really was. I would at least expect him to have a small amount of desire to look back and find out what went wrong, maybe he is doing that with his counselor.........but I dont see it at all.<P>He is so dead set on the financial end of this , he called the other day to see if I filed yet, I told him "no" not yet. he said he would file then....... I know that men sometimes need to do this to move on and heal, but I have been agonizing for years over the state of this "marriage" and regreting all the things that went wrong. All he is worried about now is hiding money, and buying as much stuff as he can. I am so absolutly sure he would have stayed in the marriage, and let me do exactly as I chose , as long as he didnt have to shell out too much money........he didnt really care if any needs were being met. Just shut up and leave me alone attitude!!!!!!!!! dorkhead<P>lol, can you tell I am angry, I feel like I have wasted years of my life. I wake up each morning thinking WOW why did I wait so long to do this. <P>well, thanks for letting me vent<P>Mike I am sure you will have a rebuttal, ha ha ha just joking

I haven't changed the locks or asked for the garage door opener, yet. I have noticed that every once in awhile something else missing, but so far it's been nothing major. I'm not going to do anything untill she gives me a reason to. I know that sounds naieve, but I have to believe she is going to be decent about this until she proves otherwise. <P>I just made an appointment to see a lawyer about the Sep. Agreement. That sure did feel weird.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

I never in a million years though he would ever, ever play hardball. I am torn, I feel guilty that I have our home, and if it were not for the childrens welfare, I would have given it up. as I said, I understand that divorce makes people do weird things, but I didnt expect him to be so sneaky about the money thing. Me, the one who allowed him to pay off student loans by living in a rat infested apartment and working overtime to make ends meet. It makes me sick to my stomach to think he would have been happy as a little clam to stay in this marriage, do exactly as we both pleased.....and live a lie. I thought you were supposed to have love in a marriage, not the desire to keep it together for financial gain. Well since I dont know where I am going with this thought, i will leave it alone<P>Thanks, always helps to vent

nikkilynn2,<P>OK, I'm back!!!<P>I am now in the beginning of what could be a really nasty situation. In fact I can not stop thinking about things at all. Anger keeps coming at me in waves. Memories are coming back to me almost daily - memories of how many times my wife has gotten so drunk she ends up throwing up, or all the bottles of wine she consumed in the past couple years... Yet, she labeled me as "abusing alcohol". I guarantee she has forgotten about her incidents.<P>I could easily get mean and nasty. Counter-sue her.... work it out so financially she gets little if nothing out of the marriage. I can bring up things that will not only embarrass her, they will devastate her family as well. And boy would it be easy to do in my current state of mind. You know what would happen then, Nikki? Then she would be saying things similar to what you are saying about your husband.<P>You see anger, cruelty and pettiness are self-fullfilling things. Your husband is hurt right now so he feels justified in lashing out against you. You in turn will get even more angry and go right back at him. This viscious spiral will keep going until someone puts a to stop it.<P>For my situation, I am going to make every effort to do just that. Fine she wants a divorce, then she is more than welcome to get one. But, lets get things back in perspective: She originally said that she wanted "out" because we were not "in love" anymore. She went on to say that she will always "love" me though. Somewhere that is getting side-tracked. Well I am going to do all that I can to try and stop things BEFORE they get out of control.<P>I will protect myself and I will stand up for myself and my family name, but only as a last resort. Why? Because I still love her. Am I "in love" with her right now "$ell no", but I do still care about her and I do still love her. So for that I will try to hold back my anger - for the love I had and have for her, for the "good memories" (the ones that are hard to remember right now, but never the less I know still do exist).<P>I will keep you informed of how things progress. Why I am telling you this? Maybe, and I don't know if it is possible, only you do, but maybe you can be the one who stops the cycle of anger. If we can't do this and our spouses aren't able to either, then I fear both of our situations are going to get a lot worse...<P>God bless us all...

WHOA..............The only place I am lashing out is here, to my husband and our family and friends, I say nothing, I want to divorce on the grounds of no-fault. He is the one pulling little tricks. I am ignoring them , beleive me, because I know he is angry. He is really pulling a lot of manipulation here. I am trying to be above it until he settles down and realizes we were both wrong.I can see that it is futile to fight, it will only hurt the kids.To make matters worse, I got wind of a rumor sometime ago that my husband was messing around with a woman who is / was our friend, she is divorced. Well it just so happens his new apartment is a few houses away from hers!!!!!! It can be a huge rumor, and I think it is, but I have to tell you, even if it is true, I would not persue it, as I could in court.If he has done this, I would have no option but to say, considering the state our marriage has been in for so long, I do not blame him. How is that for anger, and pettiness????? I mean every word<P>I told the person who tried to tell me about this that I did not think it was accurate, but that if it is, then I hope he finds happiness. I have fought my last fight with this man. He is a good person, and I have no reason to want to slander his name. It would only fall on our children, whom I love too much. Sometimes things happen, and I cant hold him responsible for everything. We both made a mess of our lives together, we didnt do what was needed to affair proof our marriage, we actually did all the wrong things........this is not a blame situation.<BR>It is sad that we didnt have the skills needed early on to prevent this. I know how much trouble you have had with your wife, but I have told you again and again, there is a huge difference here. I have 11 years on you, and didnt jump ship at the first sign of difficulty, tried to work things out. I am not trying to make my husband look bad.................well except I am sharing things here I cant share with friends and family . Isnt that the point of this site?<BR>I can vent here, and not air my dirty laundry with people who know us and dont need to know these things?<BR>I can hear what you are trying to say to me, but you need to realize I already know all that.<BR>I have not said anything horrible here, and it is all true!!!! Just that he is angry, I am sure it will subside one day, but in the meanwhile he needs to know angry or not he is still responsible for the things he says and does while he is angry. Because you are angry doesnt excuse behavior........I am willing to overlook somethings, but the spoken word can not always be taken back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!