Well, I've had it. I tried one last time but failed. I asked her to come home and fix it, but she refused. I asked her if it wasn't important enough for our son to at least try til it hurt. She replied, NO, not now. Said she was willing to date each other, but strictly with no strings or commitments attached. If so, casual sex would be ok. I told her goodbye. I am her husband and I love her, but I refuse to be her boyfriend and cheapen the 11 yrs of marriage and the memories I have of it with cheap sex. I told her I could not respect myself and be a part of it. She has made it clear that she really doesn't want me, only the security$$$$ that I can provide as she prompted me to carry her med. insurance until divorce or she gets a full time job. I told her in July when she left that I would drop it Jan 1,01. She only started working parttime less than a month ago. This after I refused to continue making her car payment plus child support after Jan 1.<BR>She doesn't want to be married to me, but wants me to support her as such. Sorry, reality check. I know the offer to date her and be with her is there, but I feel I will only be used until she finds what or whom she wants. I will fight to the end of time with her to fix our marriage as married people but will not go another day as two horney passer-byers. I can't even pretend to not have strings attached when there are 11 yrs of strings hanging everywhere.<BR>She finally said what was her problem. She couldn't deal with the responsibility of helping me forgive and get over her latest affair. She is eat up with guilt and does not have the strength to put in to fix it.<BR>I sorry for that. Told her she was the love of my life, was my queen, and that I would miss her, but if she could not or did not want me, I would find someone who wanted to put something into a relationship, not just take.<BR>I feel this is what must be done, whether it ends it completely or shakes her into reality. If I can't be comfortable with what she is asking, I can't do it, and I don't. Is this the right thing to do????<BR>Do you think I would ever accomplish anything just dating her. Remember, we cannot talk at all about the problems or how to fix them. We must only act as if just met and start over. Is that really possible?<BR>I dont see it, so I give up. All I know is when I said what I had to say, she never spoke again. Finally gave the phone to my son(28mths) who managed to hang up on me.<BR>I hope she finds happiness and lives a prosperous life. All I've ever wanted was for her to be happy. Maybe through divorce, I can finally give her that.<BR>LHC2

LHC2,<P>It's amazing how similar my post is to yours.<P>I think that if you feel that you did the right thing, then you did.<P>You may want to read this, it'll help.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/a0011702.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/a0011702.html</A> <P>Take care of yourself.<P>Eric

{{{{{{{{LHC2}}}}}}}}}}}<P>You didn't give up.... you just did everything you could, until there was nothing else. There is a difference. That doesn't make it hurt any less, but you know in your heart you didn't "give up".<P>Now it's time to take care of you. <P>Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

LHC2,<P>You gave it your best shot, there comes a time when there just isn't anything else you can do. But everyone here understands the hurt and dissappointment. Even Harley will tell you that one person cannot save a marriage. As difficult as this is for you, this too shall pass.<P>Bumper <P>"There are two theories about arguing with a woman, neither one of them works!"... H.L. Menckin<p>[This message has been edited by Bumperii (edited November 10, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LHC2:<BR><B> If I can't be comfortable with what she is asking, I can't do it, and I don't. Is this the right thing to do????</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And that is the most critical part of your post. While I do agree with the concept of "winning" back the spouses love, there comes a time when you have to be honest about how far you will go to do it.<P>The key thing is to be honest with yourself about where your boundries are. Agreeing or pretending to go along with something when deep down you hate it will only cause more problems.<P>Only YOU can decide where that line should be. Those of us that have gone through this and finally decided to end the marriage probably did so because the spouse wanted more than we were willing to give. I certainly know that was my situation.<P>Asking others where you need to draw that line is sort of like asking people if you should like the taste of a specific food. It doesn't much matter what they think.<P>Just my $.02<P>Country Guy

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LHC2}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Massive hugs to you today. You know in your heart of hearts whether you gave it your all, and I think you did. You are only human and you can only hold onto nothing for so long. <P>Either way, you are sad and hurt, and you need a hug.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{LHC2}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers today.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

LHC2 - Also, accept my understanding and condolences. I, too, went through the same thing with my H, who was WS and walked out after 17 years. It's not just that they want more than we can give, it's that they want us to give everthing, while they give little or nothing. It is truly correct that one person alone cannot save a marriage. It may take two to make, build and keep a marriage, but it only takes one to end it. Sometimes there is truly nothing more you can do, and must accept the painful truth that no matter what you do, it will not be enough. You cannot meet the needs of someone who refuses to allow you to meet them, or meet them only on their terms, with no regard for you. My prayers are with you at this truly difficult time. The pain will pass, albeit slowly. I never thought I would ever be happy again, but I am, finally, even though the pain of the loss of the person I loved most in the world will never completely be healed.

First, thanks to each of you for your thoughts and comments. Yeah, it hurts badly, but I DO know I tried as hard as I could. It has come down to self-respect and believing that I am only being used as a safety net. I really feel that I have been that for the last 8 or so years and now it is time to stop. She is my queen and I will always love her deeply, but it can't be this way. I always felt like if I let go of the rope that our marriage was dangling on, it would all fall to pieces. I let go in July and she left, but kept somehow picking it up and handing it back to me. Last night, I let go for good. The only door left open is one she has to open, there are no more doors left for me, I closed them all.<BR>Thanks for your prayers. You guys are great.<BR>LHC2<BR>OH YEAH, kindof strange, but last nights post of giving up FINALLY got me to member status. At least that's good(I think). Don't seem right as junior member when D is next in line.

<B>quote:<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Originally posted by LHC2:<BR>If I can't be comfortable with what she is asking, I can't do it, and I don't. Is this the right thing to do????<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR></B><P>Dear LHC2,<P>I agree with Country Guy. That statement is the most critical part of your post. He's right...it will only cause you to feel worse about yourself and it will mean that you are being dishonest with your wife about your feelings and integrity, which will again cause more problems and certainly not win her back.<P>My H said something like that a few months after D-Day...."If I come home, you have to promise not to have any expectations of me or any conditions for me being back." EXCUSE ME!!!! I don't think so. <P>As much as I wanted him to move back home, I was NOT going to fall for that....and it ate me up inside. I finally, finally realized that I wouldn't do ANYTHING to have him back; now I'll only take him back if we both commit to doing things that are good for BOTH of us and for our marriage. <P>You did the right thing, IMHO. I'm about at the same point myself. God bless you and I wish for you the very best.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>