I read His Needs/Her Needs years ago and Chapman's Five Love Languages - both books made huge impressions on me. Naturally, my husband and I are opposites - knew that before I read the books. I'm at the lowest point emotionally in our marriage I've ever been before. We've been married 7years - 2 boys (4 and 17mo) and #3 is due in April. I've reached the point where half the time, I feel like I'm in withdrawal. I love my husband, right now because I choose to and also because I know love isn't all about emotions. However, my love tank is in the negative because I don't get any deposits in my language (my husband is a acts of service guy and physical affection) and what I do receive are love busters. I honestly have no idea if my husband realizes how unhappy I am. I'm tired of being the one initating all the conversation/conflict; Of being the one to do all the reading and research to try and find answers - to only have him dismiss them, disregard them, or argue them. So I've stopped talking to him (I know that doesn't help) about any of it. I am trying to met his needs better, but I know that won't solve everything. I've got so much resentment and anger built up, I'm afraid to open up, because I think it will be like a dam bursting. I really feel the need for a moderator, but I have little hope for his accepting that suggestion (without a battle). I have always known marriage took constant effort and work, but what scares me is how empty I feel towards making that effort right now. I know God is the only one that can heal all of my hurts, but I'm not even turning to him. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks

Debbie, I don't know if you've ever done this, but whenever things with my husband have me very upset (I usually let things build up until I'm ready to blow up-and he has no idea what's going on by that time!), I will write him a letter telling him how I feel. That way I know he's not watching tv or reading the newspaper when I need him to really listen to me. He can concentrate on what I write to him, and then it's easier to talk about everything without all the emotion bursting forth. <p>I know how frustrating it can be to be working on your problems by yourself. My husband isn't a reader, so I'm the one who does all the research and reading to improve our marriage/parenting. And then he gets home so late from work that we don't talk about it.<p>Is your husband a Christian too? Even if he isn't I would suggest attending a Family Life Conference. It really gets you to talk-really talk-and fall in love all over again. At least that's what happened for us, and the conference has saved many marriages, and strengthened already good marriages.<p>I would also suggest that you try to get close to God again. He really can help you! I really don't know what I'd do without Him-He gives me the strength to go on each day. You can tell Him everything and anything. And He can definitely take away the resentment and anger you're feeling--you just have to ask Him and trust Him.<p>Well, those are my suggestions for you. Good luck!<br>

debbie,<br>I fell like you really need to tell him how you feel before you quit trying. sometimes us men really need a big shock to get things clear in our minds. Bring up the topic if he dismmiss it or puts it down explain that you feel this way and if he wants to make you happy he will wake up. If he still doesn't understand then think very hard about going with your children to you mother's or a friend explaining that you deserve better treatment and that you will not settle for this. explain to him that you love him and that you want the marriage to work but that until he shows you the proper respect you will not be coming home. I waited to long to hear my wife's complaintant and instead of giving me a wake up call she waited to leave until she didn't want to come back. I wish she would have left when she still loved me and wanted to work things out and not waited until all her love was gone. If your husband refuses to listen to you make him listen. Make him understand what he has to lose before you resentment drives you into a corner and your marriage is more damaged then it is now. It takes a good woman to make a good man. We tend not to see the problems until it is a crisis so if all else fails then make it a crisis then he will see and he will understand.

debbie,<br>I fell like you really need to tell him how you feel before you quit trying. sometimes us men really need a big shock to get things clear in our minds. Bring up the topic if he dismmiss it or puts it down explain that you feel this way and if he wants to make you happy he will wake up. If he still doesn't understand then think very hard about going with your children to you mother's or a friend explaining that you deserve better treatment and that you will not settle for this. explain to him that you love him and that you want the marriage to work but that until he shows you the proper respect you will not be coming home. I waited to long to hear my wife's complaintant and instead of giving me a wake up call she waited to leave until she didn't want to come back. I wish she would have left when she still loved me and wanted to work things out and not waited until all her love was gone. If your husband refuses to listen to you make him listen. Make him understand what he has to lose before you resentment drives you into a corner and your marriage is more damaged then it is now. It takes a good woman to make a good man. We tend not to see the problems until it is a crisis so if all else fails then make it a crisis then he will see and he will understand.

Debbie,<p>How is this pregnancy going? Are you working outside the home as well? What was your response (and your H's) to this baby?<p>I am definately not saying that your unhappiness and your marital problems are all in your mind, but fatigue and hormones can definately make you feel so hopeless, empty and mentally exhausted. Maybe after the baby comes you will not feel as overwhelmed (although the exhaustion will not be any better at first!!).<p>I am the "unloving" spouse, but I am definately trying to rekindle those feelings of love for my H. It is so hard to do. My H is the one who is constantly talking and wanting to communicate, and sometimes it is at inappropriate times or when my mind is just exhausted. <p>All I can suggest for you is time. Time to let your body get over its physical hurdle and time to perhaps let your H get his mind into an open and honest mood.<p>Even if you are not too close with God right now, that will be ok with Him. He will hang out just waiting for you to be ready -- just keep an open mind.<p>Good luck.....my youngest is an April baby. And a sweetie to boot!

Thanks for the responses. Each one gave me something new to think about.<p>Sheri, thanks for the letter idea. I've went ahead a wrote one - now I'm worried about when to give it to him! How do you find out about Family Life Conferences? My H is a Christian, so I can be very thankful for that.<p>Maria, the pregnancy is going well. It was a suprise and came 2mo after a miscarriage. It took me a few months to feel genuine excitement for the pregnancy. As far as I know, my H is okay w/ the coming baby. He doesn't tend to get openly interested in my pregnancies except to remind to take my vitamins.<p>I don't work outside the home. However, I struggle to accept that my hormones really rage during pregnancy. 2nd baby I struggled w/ emotions during pregnancy and postpartum. It seems like my husband tends to brush off ALL my emotions to pregnancy. But I don't think I'm that out of whack <p>Rusty, I'm hoping this letter will communicate crisis to my H. I know what you're saying - I have seen him respond in the past when I finally let loose and made it a crisis.<p>Ultimately, I do know this is a spiritual battle. God is extremely faithful (I learned that in such a real way during our miscarriage). Thanks everyone for your encouragement - you're another example of God's caring here on earth.

Debbie, sorry, it's been so long since I've been back here, I haven't checked on your post till now. I'm glad you wrote your husband a letter--how did it work out? Are you feeling any better?<p>You can find out about the Family Life conferences at www.familylife.com. I hope the two of you can find a way to go(you can find out if the conference comes to your city, or one near you). Do you have family nearby who can take care of your kids? It relly helps if you can stay at the hotel during the conference--no pressures at home to go back to. The last time we went, I was 6 months pregnant with our 3rd child, and my mom stayed home with the other two. I'm not sure how the conference affected my husband, but I was back in love with him for a while after(you know that "high" feeling?), and we sure got along much better for a long time(I had a lot of hidden resentments and anger before that--but we ended up talking about everything and getting things resolved. He had no idea I was so unhappy). It really does help. In fact, I'm going to plan on us going this spring when the conference is here (regular "tune-ups" are needed!)<p> That's great that both of you are Christians- it really helps to have that bond. Keep praying (ask to pray together about your marriage). Hope things get better for you. I know how it feels to be an"at home mom". Self-esteem is hard to keep up. God really helped me with that. I feel good about myself right now, and that has such a positive impact on my marriage. I am able to overlook the "love-busters" my H hands out now and then(I have been telling him that those things he does or says are "love-busters", and he's starting to get it), and am able to do little things for him because I want to, not because I HAVE to. The anger and resentment(he works WAY too much, leaving me with all the responsibility of parenting) have really left me. I thank God all the time for answering my prayer to help me and my marriage. I'm praying He will help your's too.

debbie,<p>Looks like you've already gotten some great advice, but let me kick in my two cents worth. First, I really hope the letter you wrote works. If it does that will be great. My wife let her resentment build up over years before she finally unloaded on me. While I'm glad in the sense that I understand now and am trying to be a better husband I really wish she hadn't waited so long and let it build that way. I really didn't know she was feeling that bad and I feel like I deserved to be confronted before then. Don't hold this stuff in. Let him know. Then the response is up to him.

I too, do the letter thing - it helps me to get things out and I do it more positively.<br>I've written a few in the past 4 years. He has never responded to any of them. Not a single one. Life just goes on. And he continues to say, we have no problems. I am so down and depressed too it kills me. I put all my heart and soul into my kids to keep me happy and that works mostly. I guess I just have to resolve to the fact that I will never be happily married and have to settle for that. What a way to start the new year.

Hi, Debbie. I know you have indicated that there have been problems in your marriage for a while (a pretty typical thing), but you also mention a miscarriage recently. Is it possible that your H has withdrawn even more due to grief over the miscarriage? Men most often hide their grieving from their wives - or sometimes don't grieve properly at all, allowing the sad feelings to turn to anger or depression.<p>He could be more withdrawn because he was hurt by the miscarriage and wants to avoid hurt again.<p>Just a thought.<p>terri