We got off on the wrong foot fifteen years ago. He wasn't in love with me. He thought he could "learn" to love me the way I love him. But he never did.<p>And now there's the question of exactly what I feel for him. I think it's love - I really do. But I look back on my life and I'm forced to face the fact that my self esteem was always dependent on my being "attached". <p>So do I love him or am I co-dependent? Or both?<p>My parents basically ignored me. It was my goal to not be in my parents house. My girl-friends always had boyfriends, but I had none, despite the fact that I was (am) intelligent and (especially as a teenager) very pretty. I found myself in relationships that were unsatisfying at best, abusive at worst. I probably could have been called promiscuous.<p>Until he and I got together. We actually met when I was maybe 14, but didn't get together until I was about 17. He paid attention to me. And I fell for him. Three years later, the day he asked me to marry him we had had an argument. Neither one of us remembers what about, but I ended up in tears and told him that I was afraid I was going to lose him. That's when he proposed. But it wasn't out of love; it was out of pity and that's what has haunted him all these years.<p>So we have the rescuer and the victim. The therapist told us it's a common thing. Unhealthy and destructive, but common nonethe less.<p>Did I do it on purpose? Unconsciously on purpose? I honestly don't know.<p>Our relationship back then, as near as I can tell was more physical than anything else. And, knowing this now, I can see that somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it then. And with hindsight being 20/20, I can see that as being the basis for a lot of the resentment that has built up on my part.<p>Yes, my part. I never allowed myself to resent or be angry. I can see now how I was treated badly; really I knew it then. Never abused - I have never had any fear whatsoever of any kind of physical abuse. Ignored, yes. Needs unmet, yes; but I never told him what I needed. My fault there, but then again I can consciously remember feeling like he wouldn't care so I kept it to myself. I just tried to be a good wife - the mechanics of it anyway. Keep the house clean, mind the children, cook dinner, etc. Sex was never great; it always seemed to me that it was for his benefit and not mine. That explains my disinterest in it at the time - for a long time.<p>Until I found out about his infidelity last September. Now why on earth did it take that to make me decide to speak up? I've wanted things to be better in that area for a long time, but couldn't - wouldn't - say anything. Even in the counseling session I couldn't bring myself to say what I wanted. Why?<p>This is so very hard. Neither one of us wants to be in the place we are in. He just says he wants to make it through Christmas; he doesn't know where he will be after then. It's hard for me because I have no commitment from him to stay and work on this. Yes, he's here today and he's come to two sessions with me. I assume he'll go to a third (hopefully next week). <p>We've got three children. Our son has behavioral problems that the psychologist told me will get worse if he leaves. Funny, my son and my husband both see the same therapist. And I like the man, really I do. He's good; I've known him for a couple of years. But he tells me things like "If the marriage doesn't reconcile..." but "I'm not telling you that's what's going to happen." I know he has to "inform" me of all possibilities without breaching his confidentiality with my husband.<p>It's bad enough facing up to the fact that my marriage - my entire adult life - was based on a lie. I resent the feeling that he is seriously considering abandoning me when things are at their worst. That I might very well have to raise three children on my own - never mind I've essentially been a single parent for the past five years while he's pursued "happiness" with volunteer work and other women. <p>And I'm scared. The therapist told me I have to get over the fear. But I'm not sure how.<p>So I don't know where we are right now. He doesn't know what he wants; I'm sure I want to work things out. But do I want HIM, or do I just not want to be alone? I want very much to feel LOVED; I haven't felt loved in a very long time. Am I just afraid because of all the baggage I'd be carrying away from this? <p>This has all been centered on him. He's the one whose so damned unhappy. He's the one who has to put himself first and he can't let how we feel influence his finding happiness. But WHAT ABOUT ME? I have a real problem with him saying that he just didn't want to hurt me for all these years. How can he be made to see that this isn't just about HIM? There's four other people he has to consider here. How?

dear patient,<br>I read your story and I can feel for you. I posted a story under todd also but I forgot my password so now i'll use this handle. You say that you have not been happy nor he for many years. I believe that a marriage rather for pity convience or love is a specieal thing and if there is any chance to work things out then that avenue should be prused. But it appears that neither of you have been meeting the others needs for a long time. You have been cold and distant and he has been fooling around. He has negeclted you for the past 5 years in short he has already abandoned you. It does not seem like he wants to work things out. When people became that unhappy they will give up everything to get out. My wife left her house, her dogs,her cats, her horses, her furniture, her clothes, agood paying job and a faithful caring husband because she was not happy. I do not know if you husband as reached that point but it sounds like it. When people get to that frame of mind logic becomes meaningless. I am sorry to say but it sounds like after the holidays you will be alone with the kids. But you can survive and come out on top. My wife not only adbonded me but took the kids also without any warning. But in a short period of time I have been able to start rebuilding. I miss my family terrible and I cry most days for them but I have continued on with work, talking to my other family and keeping busy. Time will heal you ache. I really think that you should not hold on to a sinking ship but let go and keep the lines of communication open. hopefully his ties to you with kids, home and family will draw him back. But you have to do some soul-searching and really think if you want him back or not. It takes two to make a life no matter how hard you try if the other person feels trapped then it is all just wasted effort. I will pray for you. <br>

patient,<p>Of course I don't know what will happen with your marriage. There is a link on the Marriage Builder's home page to a web site on relationships. It has a calender with a reading for each day and was written by a couple who was totally certain they would not make it. That is my paltry offering to you.<br>I'd also like to comment on the reference to your relationship being based on lies, co-dependency or what have you. I don't think that is important to whether or not a relationship continues. It may be important to recognize those things in order to be truthful with yourself, but it doesn't have to mean that the years ahead have to be based on the wrong things just because former years may have been. I don't think your husband would have married you from pity alone. I think there had to be some love there. My wife has told me she thinks she got married for the wrong reasons.<br>Well, maybe she did to some extent. I don't know. But it's been 20 years now and we have two sons. To me it is insane to throw that away for a possible mistake in judgment 20 years ago. We are who we are now despite what we did in the past. Those years are gone and we don't have the luxury of replaying them or turning back time. We're here with what we've got and we are who we are. Would it not be better to, if you can, rennovate what you have rather than launch out again after all this time?<br>Maybe you two can't do it, I don't know. But if you can't don't let it be because of that notion that it was based on a lie from the start. What may have started out as a lie doesn't have to remain one.

bruce<p>Thank you. I've said many times that I don't want to throw away half my life; he says the same. But at the same time - and I guess this is the hardest part for me - he cannot or will not make a COMMITMENT to staying and working it out. It's a one-day-at-a-time thing right now and therein lies my problem. I guess security is my greatest need and that need is definitely not being fulfilled and he can't right now.<p>For now, he's still here. There's no fighting - we really SEEM to get along. I don't feel any tension (except right after a session), but I guess he does.<p>I do love him. I want to make this work.