Well, it's been over a year since I've been to this forum. (I think I made one post under a different name) My wife had an affair and we were separated for a while. We went to counseling, but I think she was only trying to minimize her guilt. I don't think she ever truly tried. She gave up a long time ago. It would have been nice for her to let me know. My wife avoids confrontation at ALL costs. It is her fatal flaw. We got back together when I threatened divorce. We moved to the other side of town to start fresh and to minimize her contact with OM (she worked with him). I love where I live now. I also changed careers to do what I love. We sold the house that neither of us wanted. All is right in my life except my relationship (what relationship?). I've toughed it out (tried to make my marriage work) and I definitely have something to show for it. We had some difficulty as in all marriages, especially when I was changing careers. Instead of talking to me, she started talking to OM again. (maybe she never stopped) I asked her repeatedly what was wrong. She seemed depressed. She was even on anti-depressants. It turns out that she wasn't suffering from depression, but suppression. Her lying and cheating. I have learned something from many of my mistakes. When she was looking to change jobs into the same field that he works in, I was concerned that he may be there. I never tried to punish her for what she did. She got mad at me for not trusting her. Supposedly she started seeing him again in August. So, you see, it was total garbage. All she did was lie to me and blame me. I'm totally sick of it. She is basically a good person who has gone nuts. It is quite obvious that he is manipulating her. I know him. He is a smooth talker. I remember one night in particular when it seemed like I was getting through to her. She decided to go for a drive (and talk to him). When she came back, there was no getting through. He even cheated on her while she was cheating on me. My wife IS a slow learner. We have started mediation. We've agreed on joint custody with me as the primary. I will fight forever, spend my entire retirement and go into debt in order to not lose my relationship with my 4 yr old daughter and to keep my daughter from what is statistically a bad decision which would cause a bad situation for my daughter. (Divorcing to be with OM)<P>I still feel down. I even cry. I continued to try everything possible until the very end. She set up the mediation. It is over. She was never truly sorry for committing adultery. My moods swing from love to hate of her. How can a person be so cruel? She admits to being a weak person. People should just say "I want a divorce" and leave. Adultery is for the weak. I only hope that someday her relationship will end with OM. (statistically it will) I think he will eventually burn her as bad as she's burned me. I hope that she can start a fresh relationship so that my daughter will have a stable mother.<BR>What a mess. I am totally emotionally spent from the adultery business and now I have to deal with a divorce. Oh, and did I mention that my mother died during this time? How long does it take for things to get better? People promise it, but how long?<P>Side note. I am not a Christian, but I basically believe in God and that there is an order to the universe. She repeatedly complained that I wouldn't go to church with her and basically belittled me for not believing as she did. When all along, she's been lying and cheating. Great example of a Christian!!! She's even been to church with the OM. Now isn't that cute?<P>Sick and tired... I want OFF this rollercoaster. Heartaches and stomach aches. There has got to be a better life for me just over the horizon!!!!!

{{{father of 1, husband of 0}}},<P>I know where you're at.<P>As they say...<BR>..."Been there... done that".<P>So far...<BR>...since my W will not speak to me about any part of the divorce she started...<BR>...my attorney bill is +$18K...<BR>...and since she won't agree to the out of court settlement ( the only time we spoke 1+ hour since she moved out 15 months ago)...<BR>...it' most likely back to a trial...<BR>...and another ~$10K.<P>...yes... I too am going to have to raid my 401K to pay for it all.<P>"How long?" you ask...<P>For me it's almost there...<BR>...the closure of the divorce will in fact make it easier...<BR>...I can move into an official Plan B!<P>What can help...<BR>...a little bit of self-forgiveness...<P>...it is a Christian teaching...<BR>...and can offer more for you...<BR>...than the lost sheep that is your W.<P> <P>Jim

I am so sorry for the pain you are in, the terrible situation, the loss of your mother...<P>Take care of yourself and your daughter...things will get better.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

Dear father of one,<BR> I hear the pain in your post too.I ask also,when will it get better.It is going on one year since discovery for me.In the process of Divorce right now.<BR>I will pray for an emotional healing for you. Take care.<BR> Beth

Hi father of one....<P>Your post struck a chord with me. Almost exactly the same situations. Only my H is on his 5th girlfriend since we broke up, but he tells me "this one could be serious....."<P>yeah right.<P>this whole mess has knobs on it......<P>Sorry to be crude, but I have had a conversation with him tonight whereby I have given in to everything that he wants. Absolutely everything. Just to get a bit of peace in my life, and to stop fighting with him..<P>He wants to spend his time when he has our children, with her"? , Well, I can't do a thing about it. I have to accept it. and tonight I did.<P>Who said that word 'karma' .........<P>big big hugs to you

Up early, again. Hard to sleep. Our divorce negotiations have been fairly pleasant. I think the settlement will be fair. Neither of us has been to an attorney yet. I didn't take one to the mediation because she didn't. I do not intend to overpower her. I'm not out to do her in. It would only hurt my daughter. I'll have to see what happens when she talks to her attorney. As I said, it's joint custody. Texas presumes joint custody. SHE suggested that she see our daughter on the 1,3,5 weekends and Wednesday evenings. I want to be primary to insure that my daughter cannot be moved away from me, to minimize my daughter being in a bad situation, and to keep my STBX from being able to inflict more pain on me as far as visitation would go. Too many horror stories. I was moved 400 miles away from my dad when my parents divorced when I was 3 yrs old. I want to be able to insure a 50-50 split in time spent with our daughter or whatever my daughter wants when she's old enough to decide. My daughter needs her mother too. We've agreed that my STBX will have her 1,3,5 weekends and Tuesday and Thurday nights. It will be in writing. I also said that she could have her Sunday mornings for church and lunch whenever I'm in town and not doing anything. It is important for a 4 yr old to not go very long without seeing each parent. She turned me down this weekend. She had plans. (with him I'm sure) AFAIK, my STBX has not taken my daughter with her when she spends time with the OM (other than visits to his work), though she says "he would never hurt her." He is in his upper 30's, my STBX is 31, and he doesn't have any kids. I figure that he just wants to play with my STBX and she is going right along with it. He has referred to my STBX as a "little toy." My STBX starts her new job on Monday. Her hours will be 10:30 a.m. to 7:00 p.m., M-F. She will also take call. She thinks she will be happy with the job. I wished her well. She has shot herself in the head with those hours. I said that she could have our daughter one more night a week, given her weird work hours. I will get to spend time with my daughter every weekday since I will pick her up from school every day. She thinks that she is going to be happy. Time will tell. My job allows me to be flexible with my time and take care of my daughter. I can even work at home in a limited fashion should I have to stay home if my daughter was sick. I get 3 weeks of vacation per year, 4 floating holidays, and several statute holidays. As I said, by me hanging in there, I am in a much better position than if I had thrown my hands up and quit as soon as I first knew of the affair. I was in a house I didn't want, in the wrong career, living in an area I was sick of. My endurance has put me exactly where I need to be in the event of a divorce. The only thing I am missing now is a good companion.<p>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited November 12, 2000).]

Tried to delete.<p>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited November 12, 2000).]

It's really tough, when you can see what's going on, and they can't. My STBX is also in the "fog", and when I look at all she's giving up to pursue what is a statisticall doomed relationship, I'm absolutely amazed.<P>You seem very focused on settling this fairly and looking out for what is best for your daughter. I'm in the same boat. We've worked out our Separation Agreement, and we're going for joint physical with alternating weeks, splitting childcare costs & she gets 40% of the equity in the house & I have 5 years to deliver it. All in all a reasonable settlement. Except for the part about me not wanting my marriage to end. <P>Amen to the companionship. I'm sure it will come in time, but the lonliness is very tough for now.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

{{{{{{{{Father of 1,Husband of 0}}}}}}}}}}<P>I understand completely about dealing with someone who will avoid conflict AT ALL COSTS. Had he come to me earlier and actually told me that I was hurting him I would have tried to comprimise and and get things worked out when there was still a chance without him moving out. As for the trust issue. I also cannot trust things that he tells me or does because he has lied so many times "because I didn't want to hurt you". He has seen the hurt in my face when I caught the lie, so he has to know how much it would hurt me. He has constantly made me feel like it was my fault that he lied. He is the one who CHOSE to lie. It is his fault no matter the reasoning. I just came to realize that a couple of days ago, and feel much better for it. <P>You made me look at some things with your post also. I do have a good job (made a change in careers recently myself), I do have a nice house, and I do have a great family (no kids). The only thing that I do not have right now is a companion. Hopefully someday that too will change. I have to believe it will. <P>I am glad to hear that it looks like the settlement will be fair and at least amicable for both parties. Sounds like you really have it together for your child and are putting her first in all of this. Be proud of yourself for that. <P>arm6868@yahoo.com