Below is an email I sent to my sister this morning. For those of you that don't know, I received my divorce papers last week. Thought they were going to be about a "no fault" divorce, but I open them up to find she is suing based upon extreme cruelty. She cites about a half dozen incidents that are supposed to be indicative of our marriage. Only problem is that the events she cites are trivial at best and are far from the norm in our marriage. Even the counselor we were going to told me that he can't understand why she is holding on to about a dozen events over the course of our marriage - He told me that she just can't forgive me for them? I have shown the papers to about a dozen people (some who barely even know me) - they all share the same initial reation - laughter. They can't believe that she is persuing a divorce based upon the reasons contained.<P>Even worse are a couple of reasons that are blown out of proportion. For instance she says that I "consistently abuse alcohol" since we have been married. I live in a town where I have no one my age to socialize with. My friends from home came to visit maybe about 6 times per summer and maybe I would see them 2 times over the winter. True those 8 times we "hung out" we would go out and have a good time, BUT I never got drunk any other time! Maybe one drink a week here and there, but that is it. Does 8 times a year make an alcoholic? Even the times I did drink, I never once put myself or her in any kind of danger. Never once even dreamed of striking her (would rather kill myself than hurt her).<P>In any case, now my family and friends are in a state of anger. They all want me to strike back and attack. Problem is that I don't want to - I know that somewhere below all the hurt and pain I still love her. I even pity her right now. The email below describes more on how I feel. Am I alone in feeling this way? Does anyone else share these beliefs?............<P>----------------------------------<P>I think right now I just feel lost. Now I have to worry about legal bills as well!<BR>Like I said to you the other night, the hardest part are the doubts that I get from<BR>reading those papers - Like "did I really drink too much?" "Was I that mean to<BR>her?". And the pain in knowing that even though I thought what I was doing was<BR>right, here she is in such pain and has such anger towards me. If I was being<BR>selfish or if I cheated on her, abused her, etc... I could understand all of this, but<BR>the simple fact of the matter is that I really thought I was doing what was best for<BR>us both. As these doubts come up, I try to put them down just as fast, but it is<BR>very difficult sometimes. To think you are doing right for so long, only to have it<BR>blow up in your face is such a terrible thing to have happen!<P>I don't want to hurt her anymore - I don't want to be hurt anymore. Attacking her<BR>and her family is not what I want, but I also strongly believe in my character and<BR>my family name. I can't let her drag my name through the dirt - it is not right - It<BR>just isn't. Why can't she just see that we both made mistakes? That my heart<BR>was always in the right place, I just messed up? I so wished for a second chance<BR>to make things right - now it no longer looks like I will ever get that chance.<P>The pain is there and it hurts. But, for some crazy reason, I feel strong. I feel like<BR>there is someone always standing beside me now - there to help - there to listen -<BR>there for me. Now I am faced with the decision on how to proceed - Do I get mean<BR>and nasty? That is not what I want. But how do I protect myself without getting<BR>mean? I won't counter-file, but I will stick up for my own person. I just wish she knew<BR>how much she is hurting me - I mean really knew.<P>I also know that she is waiting for me to strike back so she can use that as even more<BR>proof that I am an [censored]. I don't think I am going to do it. I think it will hurt her even more<BR>by just remaining calm. If I don't get nasty, then how can she rationalize her actions?<BR>Sure in her state of mind right now she can rationalize anything, but deep, deep down<BR>she has to know that I am a good person and not deserving of all this. Years from now<BR>when she looks back on the marriage, the "good" will have to surface. Then she will have<BR>to deal with how "she" acted through all of this and if I give her no more fuel for her anger,<BR>she will have to live with the thought that maybe she really did mess up good.<P>I can't pray to God for strength and his help and then turn around and attack xxxxxx.<BR>She is sick - no doubt about it now. I keep thinking to myself "if God was standing right<BR>next to me, how would He want me to act". What would He want me to do? Stand up<BR>for myself? Yes I guess. Get mean, I don't think so. Pity her - maybe.... But above all<BR>I think He would want me to still love her - maybe not like a wife, but as someone who<BR>gave me 8 years of mostly good memories. What is it in the bible? "love your neighbors<BR>AND your enemies" - Not really sure what category she fits into now, but the common<BR>thread is to love. Doesn't mean I have to "like" her right now, but I need to stay focused<BR>on my values and my beliefs. I don't want to attack out of self-defense. I don't think it will<BR>do anyone any good.<P><BR>MIke<p>[This message has been edited by SoTired2000 (edited November 13, 2000).]

Mike, I agree with your not wanting to attack, so find a good defensive coordinator, a lawyer that will respect what you want, and go for the full defensive position.<P>Attacking and anger is what lawyers use.<BR>I have been told by a lawyer that certain lawyers argue, argue, argue, until all the money is gone, and then they settle.<P>Be strong Mike, don't stoop to her level, play a good defense, and you will win, IMO.<P>Remember, judges see all kinds of situations, and do recognize civil, good people. Make sure s/he sees you in that light.<P>WIFTTy

Mike,<BR>I would advise against going to war. It doesn't really solve anything either. I guess I was lucky in that my x just wanted out as quick as possible and wasn't out to punish me. <P>She originally had a lawyer draw up the papers and there were some outlandish things in it like I couldn't touch her pension, but he added it to mine and then divided it by two to come up with the amount I owuld give her. She also said that he wanted her to get half the yard care equiment and sporting goods. She refused these. The biggest blow came from her sandbagging on the her income from which the child support is based.<P>Anyway, after a few reconciliation attempts, I finally threw in the towel and had my lawyer redo the papers morre down the middle. X came along with me and we were done in 30 mins. and I got favorable(?) decree.<P> My lawyer was very reasonable and wasn't trying to "get" me anymore than was fair. So I am satisfied with my decree.<P>I don't think fighting will get you this. You've been in enough pain already, why look for more. Counter propose her with what you want, but be fair. That is where I started and ended.<P>Good luck,<P>Bob

OMG! Do I relate.<P>I have not gotten my papers yet, so Lord only knows what's going to be on them, but this weekend was the "change the locks" weekend. Almost like a slap in the face, a few of my friends pointed out to me that my STBX is not the man I loved anymore--he's the enemy. I am mad as h*ll at him for being a heartless [censored] to me, and all my friends are saying I should crush him into the ground and make him pay, but that is not what I want at all.<P>Okay, I really do not want to lose the things I worked so hard for these past 14 years, but I also do not want to become the kind of person who would be cruel. I think that kind of hate in my heart would be damaging to ME. I do not want to be the kind of person who does "first strike" and is heartless. And, boy, do I agree with you when you speak about God and how He would want me to behave. I seriously doubt that He wants me to lose everything and just roll over and let him take everything--but I also seriously doubt that He wants me to be a b*tch to achieve that goal. I believe I should be an example of calm, mature, adult behavior. <P>So....I don't know if it means very much to you, but I definately know EXACTLY what you are going through. For me, it is somewhat of a comfort to know that someone else is struggling with the same thing I am. <P> <P>{{{{{Mike}}}}}}<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers today.<P>CJ <P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

WhenIfindthetime,<P>Finding a good defensive lawyer is what I am going to try to do. Another option I am going to try is to contact the counselor we were going to before she left. He is a good man and both she and her family respect him. I am going to ask him to see if he could step-in, not on my behalf, but rather just to try and "head off" the trouble that awaits us. To maybe talk her into filing the "no fault" papers like she said she was going to. Maybe he can act like a buffer between me and her and her family.<P>RWD,<P>Just like you, I don't really "want" anything from her - rather I just want to try and hold onto our house. Owning my own business now, I know how difficult it would be to buy another house. I enjoy owning my house and will do anything and everything I can to keep it that way...<P>FaithfulWife,<BR>Thanks to you most of all! You wrote just what I needed to hear - that others out there feel like I do. That just because I am not hateful and angry, does not make me crazy. My whole family is so frustrated at my position - they feel so bad for me and they want me to stand up and fight back. I keep telling them I will stand-up, but I don't believe "fighting back" is the right thing to do for me or my wife....<P><BR>Thanks,<BR>Mike

Amen, brother Mike!<P>There is a big different between standing up for yourself and your best interests, and taking the offensive and being vindictive right back. Personally, I feel like it would diminish me as a person to act in that kind of way. The biggest change for me, and one of the most difficult, has been to realize that STBX is no longer someone I can "trust" to be honest or fair. That's an ouch! But that doesn't mean I have to resort to being dishonest or unfair. It's just harder, that's all.<P>Hang in there, Mike. We'll get throught this together, AND be proud of our behavior to boot! <P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

mike, CJ,<P>you don't have to stoop to their level with anger, I am going to crush you, etc. mentality. After I moved out, I went to a lawyer, he gave me the name of a good mediator, fair and understands men's issues. She is also a GAL, and therefore has experience with kids's issues.<P>So I set up the meetings, and we started off first with co-parenting time. then money issues, no property for us. I started at the 50/50 split for everything, and then discussed my goals and how this impacts my goals as a dad. i got a favorable agreement, she gave more in time, I gave more in CS. Of course, since we did it together, it has much more meaning to me. We did it, and I am proud of being able to make an agreement without alot of anger and hostility. That means that I can go forward without bitterness, and with my self-respect. And it makes a big difference in the ability to relate to each other afterwards.<P>I finally got it through her head that there is a "legal" plan, approved by the court, and our plan, which is flexible, without alienation of each parent. Because I only asassinate her character on here, I can still speak very highly of her to the kids and others without feeling anger or hostility. And since she knows I only have their best interests at heart, and have proven that to her and to them, she is much more willing to let me have additional time with the kids.<P>We just hung up and I get additional days at Thanksgiving, and she also knows that if the kids want to do something, and the silly b!tch won't spend the money on it, I will. Of course, now she will never want to spend money, but we each bring radically different parenting approaches to our kids, and they will get to pick which one they like better. Of course, now that I am not there, she gets to adopt my model without having to thank me, or say i was right, etc.<P>Although the situation is not the best, in one respect, each parent gets to be seen by themselves in their own light. and for me, in 10 years, i know it will make a difference for my kids. Before, my values were getting stomped on, and hopefully the kids will be able to pick the best from both parents. But most of all, i took the lead to prevent the situation from getting out of hand, and I worked very hard at maintaining a hostile free atmosphere, and a positive atmosphere that this event will not make either of us out to be mean, vindictive, people.<P>Mike, CJ, good luck. If you need any support or any suggestions, we are all here for you. <BR>Mike, although I don't think you have kids between you, you are a better man than your STBX. try mediation, it does work. especially without having to deal with kids.<BR>CJ, i suggest the mediation route if you can. I don't know if your [censored] H is any different than my silly b!tch, but if he is reasonable and you want to keep it friendly, I suggest giving it a try. If you then find he can't be reasonable, you can use the shark method. but I support the mediation route first for future ease of relationships. <P>WIFTTy

So Tired- <BR>I am so new to all of this, but I feel like I could have written that same post. I also felt like I was always doing what was right. I now question everything that I did. Was I abusive (mentally never physcially)? Did I drink too much? Was I such an "ogre" that he was afraid to tell me things? Maybe that is the worst part of all of this. How much you end up questioning yourself. I had always thought that I was a good person. Now I look back and am starting to wonder. I never intentionally hurt him or said anything mean to him. <BR>Even now, there are so many ways that I could have made this more difficult for him (financially, emotionally, job wise, etc), but I have never considered it. I want the best for him. I want him to see the best in me. We may not get back together, but I do want him to eventually come out of his "fog" and realize that everything is a two way street. I have ALWAYS tried to do what is best for us- Maybe sometimes in the wrong way, but always with the best of intentions. <BR>I would hope that if you merely defend your name and don't become the aggressor in attacking her that she too will realize that you are an honorable man deserving of much better treatment than you have received. I know for me, I am finally getting a little mad and realizing that this is a two way street and we BOTH have some problems. I have no desire to destroy him. I love him too much for that. I admire you tremendously for being able to think about your options and take the high road. You are doing the right thing.

Mike, <P>My friend, you know my story and how closely it relates to what you are going through, or at least were going through up to receiving the papers. From what you have said about them, I can't help but to feel a little pity for your wife as well. I can't understand why she just didn't take the easy route and go with the no-fault option and just site 'irreconcilable differences' as grounds for the divorce, especially since you have no children.<P>I can understand your friends and family wanting you to get angry and to get even with her, but what's the point? It's easy for another person to tell you what they would do "if they were you", but they're not. You need to do what you feel is right in your heart. From what I know of you, you will rise above this and will remain the bigger person here. Before you pick any battles or start any wars, just make sure you look at all angles and all possible outcomes. Then ask yourself if it's really worth it.<P>You have the right to protect your name, but at what costs, both emotionally and financially? Your wife seems to be very lost right now. She's probably expecting a fight from you. Why not surprise her and remain calm, cool, collected and just do what it takes to get all of this ugliness behind you?<P>I still don't fully understand what my wife has done, but I have finally crossed that line and have just accepted that our marriage is over. I'm starting to live my life and even though I still love her, I am really beginning to get to the point that I no longer care what she's doing. I just want to move on already.<P>One last thought, writing mean and nasty hate letters to her always worked for me when I got angry during this time. I never sent any of the letters though, as they were never intended for her eyes to see them.<P>You just have to do what is right for you. No matter what the decision, if it feels right to you, then do it.<BR>

blindsided123 and JayHawk,<P>You both make some very good points. I put a call in today to the pyschologist/counselor we were seeing before she left. He is a very good man and I want to try and meet with him, before I meet with my attorney on Friday (I pray God helps free his schedule to get me in). You see her family thinks very highly of him and have gone their themselves years before I even met my wife. I also have a high opinion of him - he has helped me see many things from a different perspective.<P>My goal in going to him is to ask for his help. I am honest with myself in saying that I do not think I am strong enough yet to confront my wife with all of this - not that I would break down and cry, but rather that the anger would take control and I would lose my composure and say things that I would regret for a long time. I have been following the philosophy of "if you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all". With that said, I am hoping that he will get in-touch with her on my behalf and explain to her my fears in how this is progressing. To try and persuade her to re-think her most recent action and look to other ways for her to get what she wants.<P>I will no longer hold her back from getting a divorce (I don't think I ever did). But in her mind, I did hold her back. How? By not filing first. You see I knew/know that during the past months she has been egging me on to file first. Why? Because she was not strong enough to do it. She doubts every decision she makes (absolutely every decision since I have met her!). She always tries to get others to decide for her. So she thought that with enough time, I would get fed up and make the decision for her.<P>When that did not happen and with the pressure from her father to "get this over with", I believe the papers she filed were out of anger. Not anger over our marriage, but rather out of anger that I MADE her make the decision. Does this make any sense?<P>So Jayhawk when you say that she will be surprised if I don't "strike back", I tend to agree with you 100%. Because she knows that I am a fighter (don't like to lose) and that I am very determined. When she sees no anger coming back at her, I know that will throw her off big time. It will shake her up. It will be a VERY, VERY tough thing for me to do, considering how mad everyone I know is at her, my decision has nothing to do with them.<P>Take a look at the post I just added to Still Praying's most recent addition on the site. It really is how I feel. But, and it is a big "but", the anger is extremely hard to deal with. In that respect I do ask for everyone's prayers to help me keep an even keel and stick to my faith and beliefs.<P>Thanks All,<BR>Mike

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> When that did not happen and with the pressure from her father to "get this over with", I believe the papers she filed were out of anger. Not anger over our marriage, but rather out of anger that I MADE her make the decision. Does this make any sense?<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>yes, but the anger is really at herself. for whatever reason, personality + family of origin issues, she appears not to know how to stand on her own two feet. what you are doing is very important, you are actually forcing her to stand on her own two feet, which is a very good situation for her.<P>However, it appears that if she can't make good decisions, as my STBX couldn't, this is just another example of her downfall. I bet she is a person run by feelings, and feelings alone, and the feelings justify the actions and the thoughts. if that is the case, and the feelings come from who knows where the reasons will come from the same place.<P>Mike, i know that this is hard, but I would continue to play the waiting game, and if you want to get her to come together, and its up to you, you can ask her if she is going to [censored] or get off the pot. she is going through the two choice dilemma, she is very anxious about each decision, and therefore makes none. she is probably going through thinking hell right now, and you are watching!<P>mike, stay strong, don't give in to either her or your anger, and you will do fine.<P>WIFTTy