Went to the lawyer's office yesterday afternoon and signed the finalized papers, she should be served by Monday. I've never felt so strange in all my life. Maybe this is what I want, maybe it isn't. It really bothered me last night, the feelings were hard to describe. Felt pissed, lonely, upset, un-decided, hopeful that she may come back, the entire gamut. It's almost as if I'm still on a rollercoaster, but in a somewhat diferent way, like I don't know whether or not I did the right thing. I can only assume that our thoughts and emotions will be reversed now, this sure is strange. Good thing I was able to share the company of my two best friends last night: Captain Morgan and Private Paxil. (Yes, Jayhawk, they do go well together. Once you get used to it, Paxil allows you to drink more than before. It's a beautiful thing. )<P>I need to get out of this town for a while and try to get this out of my mind. I can feel that this isn't going away anytime soon.<P>Wanna hear sumpun' strange? She just started as the lead nurse on a helicopter life flight program. Everytime I hear a helicopter over the house, (I live close to the hospital), I go nuts. I start thinking that it's her, and if you think about it, there's almost no way to get away from the sound besides drown it out. It's enough to drive me insane.<P>I'll say it again.<BR>This sucks.

Mike,<P>I have a real problem with the alcohol and Paxil thing. Please exercise some restraint there. Pharmacology wasn't my major, but.......<P>Please definitely do get out of town. I've been planning a vacation with my son to Maine to go skiing, and it's been a lot of fun & has kept me occupied...<P>A life flight RN, huh? I was an EMT for awhile. What was her specialty before she decided to go the extreme shock/trauma route? Most life flight cases are well into the "golden hour" so we always lost a lot of them. <P>If you hear the helo, hope she's helping someone.<P>Oh yes it sucks. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Nobody deserves this, but you are strong and you will survive.<P>Take care... <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Nick,<P>She has been a ER Trauma nurse for about a year, thought she needed the excitement of the heli thing and also needed to feel that she was actually helping people, too many in the ER are repeat customers needing a "fix", or a free meal.<P>Yeah, gotta get outta town. Starting to date, that only helps a little, kinda/kinda not interested, for some reason I enjoy the companionship and the fact that they call to see how I am more than anything, like someone actually cares, I don't know whether or not they understand that I'm not particularly interested in sex.<P>The thing with the liquor is that it mellows me out, if I'm alone. If I'm out, it helps me to relax and have a good time, laugh, joke, carry on, etc. Last night I was in a bad/who gives a $h!t mood, was beating the hell out of my car, driving reckless, looking for a fight, etc. That was all before I went home and started drinking, fell asleep.<P>Guess I need to learn to control this somehow, maybe I need to see someone. It gets to me to be alone, like no one cares so why should I? Not suicidal, actually enjoy the daytime or socializing @ night, but sitting home alone drives me nuts. Think it all started last night after the helicopter flew over.<P>Today, I'm in an almost emotionless mood, moving my crap. I do have tonight to look forward too, supposed to hook up with one or two of my special "friends", maybe if I take them up on their "offers" I'll feel better, or worse because of guilt.<P>Who cares.<P>Eric<p>[This message has been edited by Still Praying (edited November 18, 2000).]

Yep, understand the "rotor-head" excitement thing. I've just got too many hours flight time for it to be anything but terrifing (especially over water at night...yikes).<P>Understand the lonliness too, I just want to spwnd time with someone. All my friends are still married, so they're not allowed to play with me any more I miss having someone to talk to and spend time with. I'm still pretty new to being single, and I'm still working onfiguring out who I am, but it sure would be nice to spend a nice evening with a girl. I smiled at a girl going into a store last night & whan she smiled back my heart melted & I got a warm feeling inside. It was so nice <P>Anyhow, glad your OK with the Pax & alcohol. Most people are responsible, just sometimes alcohol, medication & depression scares me.<P>Take care & I hope you have a nice weekend...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Hmm,<P>Yes, my mood is better. Days are fine, it's that early morning and late night stuff. Maybe I should go to be earlier and sleep later! <P>Anyway, saw her this afternoon. Some really strange things happened. Basically, it's obvious to me that she's not very sure that she wants this over. Didn't mention that I filed, was at her place and thinking, "Wouldn't it be strange if there was a knock on the door right now?" She said a few things that made me think about stopping the papers, but I decided against it. She needs to know that I'm serious and that she doesn't have all the time in the world. I hit her with heavy doses of reality on several levels.<P>I feel that I said the right things, I think that I may now have control, but I need to continue with my plans of getting on with my life. I'm not saying that I wouldn't stop this, but it will take more than a simple comment or request from her. I will need to be very sure of what I'm doing, and that may take me several months. I think that she may be in for a surprise in the next day or so.

No..don't do the drinking and the paxil..I have a problem with the drinking and depression also..btdt and it doesn't help...<P>Going out with friends is one thing..and drinking w/ them around is okay..but I really<BR>hate the drinking alone thing..<P>Mike..please be careful w/ the drinking and paxil..please???? I'd miss you..if something <BR>happened..<P>Nick..LOL..it was funny..I thought santa was going to die..but what was even funnier..was<BR>I was at a local restuarant after that..and <BR>HE WAS THERE!! He came over and asked if I got the outfit..lol...I bought it for myself<BR> Although I don't know why...I don't have anyone to wear it for but myself..but I guess I am a good reason to wear it.. <P>B <P><BR>

And Nick...I like sports cars.. <P>I don't know where all ya'll live at..but skiing sounds like fun..I was just saying to <BR>a friend today I want to take my kids skiing sometime.. I have never been downhill<BR>just cross country..he said he'd stay inside<BR>by the fire w/ a fake cast on..I was like fine..you do that..I'll go get me a cute ski instructor to teach me.. maybe one day..<P>

Hey, it's me. I had to sign in as a new user as I don't have my computer set up yet so I'm using someone elses.<P>First, I want to clarify something. My stint with alcohol was short lived, haven't had a drink in over 20 minutes. Kidding. Alot happened this weekend. I was forced to move out of our house, which of course drove home some of the finality of the situation. Cleaning uncovered pictures and cards that I haven't seen in years, and of course brought back memories. Sunday afternoon I had to give my buddy away, a four year old Rottweiler that has been my best friend for the last 5 months, had him for four years. I also moved to another city, am lucky enough to move in with my father for a month or two until I can straighten some things out and move back to where I was. So all in all, far from a calm and peaceful weekend, but I'm fine now.<P>Now, here's the interesting part.<P>Saturday, I stopped by her place to see her. She acted very strange, basically what I got from her was that this isn't what she wanted. I mentioned that we need to be friends through this, and that I was socializing with other women, but just as friends, wasn't looking for a relationship. I was getting on with my life.<P>Yesterday, I stopped by again, as she has been unwilling to help me clean the house to get it ready to put on the market. Initially, I told her that I had filed, but decided Monday morning to call my attorney and stop the serve, I wanted to give it a month or so. Told her that I filed because all indications were that it was what she wanted. The conversation went into us dating again, then into the fact that I was seeing other women. That she hasn't, and I didn't even wait six months. She was laying on the guilt, but I took it as jealousy, (a good thing).<P>She did come over yesterday afternoon to help me clean. She seemed upset with me when she got there, so we talked. Started off charged on her part, then became emotional. This is what the jist was: She still loves me, she still cares about me, she still wants to be married. This is more about her perception of my feelings for her than anything else. She is afraid that it won't last. That I will go back to the way that I was, and we'll end up at this point again. She is afraid to be vulnerable, and was looking to lock down her feelings and go through life miserable and alone. I again told her of the new marriage that I wanted to create for her in some detail, and that our old marriage as she knows it is gone. She wants to slowly start working on this and see if we can fix it. We are both wearing our rings again.<P>I guess my next step is to sit down and talk to her about a game plan. I realize that this is very difficult to repair while separated, but that discussion will have to wait. I need to tell her that this is 80% my fault, it is, and discuss the ways that I failed before and that it will be different, i.e. boundries, trust, ability to say "no", privacy, independence, commitment, support, affection, the list goes on. We also need to discuss that her part of the equation was a lack of communication, and we need to work on that. That this is the most important thing in my life, and that I will juggle my schedule to spend as much time as possible with her.<P>She is supposed to come over today and help again. I told her that if she wasn't up to it, that she didn't have to, and that I understand based on her schedule and that she is sick. I'm also interested in how she will act based on what happened last night. We'll see.<P>Eric

Wow,<P>That's quite a turnaround. This sounds promising, but please be careful. Don't accept most of the blame. It takes two to break a marriage and two to repair one. You need to make sure you both work together & both are in agreement on everything. A lot of the stuff the Harley's have written is very good. You have a long road ahead of you, but if you are both committed to making this work, it will <P>Good luck...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Nick,<P>I understand your comment, I have a buddy who is very unbiased and thought the same thing, but believe me, from all that I've learned about myself and about relationships in the past 5 months, this is 70-80% my fault. Really.<P>Eric

I do understand. Believe me when I say the 70-80% of what drove my wife away was my doing too. But, the fact that she no longer wants to try with me to make it work is <B>100%</B> her decision.<P>I was just afraid from your post, that you were willing to give up everything to win her back & I didn't think that was healthy. I would strongly recommend the Policy of Joint Agreement & the ENs quetionaire. If my STBX ever decided to try again, there would have to be ground rules & she would have to decide that it was the number one priority for her and us, not just me.<P>That being said, I am really happy that she's some showing interest in re-building with you. I've always thought it would be a better investment to fix a damaged realtionship that was once very good, than to chuck it & start over.<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Still Praying,<P>With a tear in my eye it sounds like you definitely have something to be thankful for tomorrow! That is great news. It is not earth shattering, but it is a beginning (maybe a new beginning for the both of you). Take things slow but don't be afraid to take a risk here and there. Trust in your faith and in God. Trust in your love and in your wife. Know that you may just be beginning a new path on the long road of forgiveness and healing. There may be setbacks, but don't get discouraged. No matter what, make sure that you and your wife both understand that the road before you will take hard work.<P>I pray for your strength and courage and love to face the road ahead.<P>God Bless.<BR>That really is great news. I am so happy for you.<P>Take care and Happy Turkey Day!<P>Mike

Eric, That is wonderful news..that she's at least willing to try now..I know that it will be difficult under the circumstances..the dating thing I think will<BR>help tremendously..one thing to do is set some dating ground rules..exp..<P>1. ask her out at least a week in advance..<BR>2. don't stay the night w/ each other right<BR>away..and have sex..because the other things<BR>she's dealing with she may end up feeling used..and like thats the only reason you <BR>want to work things out..<BR>3. don't just date but talk on the phone also..(if your not going to be living together)<BR>4. do the romance thing..you know flowers,<BR>cards, little notes..that say "thinking about<BR>you" <BR>5. If you can go out to lunch a couple days<BR>a week take her to lunch..make it a date every week to go and have lunch together..<BR>6. do things with other couples..not just the<BR>one on one dating..but do the couple dates too those are usually fun..<BR>7. ask her to go to church with you <BR>8. PRAY TOGETHER!!!<BR>9. get some Bible study books and work on<BR>them together..and grow in the Lord as a couple..don't just leave it to learn at church..<BR>Don't be afraid to ask her to pray for you about things..and pray for her also..<P>just my thoughts <P>Good Luck..and God be with you

Everyone,<P>First and foremost, thank you for your kind words and encouragement.<P>Secondly, I almost feel like a fool after all the ranting and raving that I've done over the last month or so, I guess I'll just chalk it up to letting my emotions and feelings out, part of my ongoing growth.<P>Thornedrose,<P>I want to give you a special thanks and {{{hug}}} for all that you've taught me in the last several months, in this forum and the other, as I don't know if I would have this opportunity in life right now without the knowledge that I've gained from you. Much of what I've been able to discuss with her in the last two days came from a better understanding of who she was and what she needed. Thank you.<P>I did see her today, she actually called to tell me when she would be there, (a change for her), and I feel that it went very well. I was expecting a 180 from last night, but it didn't happen. We got along great, laughed, and had a few nice conversations in which she was very talkative. We cleaned for a while, took a break, and she sat on my lap. (These are big things to me, it's amazing how small details can carry such importance sometimes!) I sent her home mid-afternoon so she could rest before work, but talked to her first. For starters, she is fine with this. (whew!) <P>I told her that I think that we both have the same goal, to be happy and stay married, she agreed. I told her that I realize that this is about 80% my fault, and briefly went over a few things again. I said that part of her 20% was communication, that I understood that it was difficult for her to talk about her feelings and emotions, but in order for this to work I need to know how we are doing, and that communication goes both ways. That I would like to be able to talk to her every day, but I don't want to be the only one making the calls. That I realize that she has a very busy schedule, but would be happy with a very brief conversation. That she is the most important thing in my life, and that I will juggle my schedule in order to spend time with her, (she works crazy hours). That it is important to me to be with her, whether it's for dinner, a quick lunch, or spending the day running errands, just as long as we're together. She seems to be very much in agreement still, but everyday is new, and could bring different emotions. I am supposed to meet her tomorrow at a relatives for Thanksgiving. I look at it as an opportunity to show her who I've become, how well I get along with her children, (I've stayed in contact and socialized with them since she left, but we've never all been together, a large part of this is the way in which I used to treat them, although I treated everyone this way, she of course took exception to it as they are from her), and how well I interact with other people.<P>Thornedrose, you may appreciate this based on our discussions of trust and boundries.<P>I explained to her, sometime in the last 24 hours, it's a blur, that I realize in the past I didn't act like I trusted her. That if we were in public, she would shy away from speaking to a male physician, nurse, or friend, as she would be afraid of how I would act, implying that something was going on, and that this reaction surely didn't lead her to believe that I loved her. If I loved her, then I would trust her faithfullness, as she has never given me a reason to doubt it, and I will try to prevent this from ever happening again. This also goes for her e-mails and phone conversations, I used to have a habit of hanging around within earshot or looking over her shoulder, and even, for you women, my tendency to not leave her alone when she was in the bathroom getting ready. Not good past behavior. I was given an opportunity to prove myself tonight, I started another cell phone for her and I was to call after I got it. I called at 5:48, and asked if it was okay for me to drop it off. She said it was, but she didn't have alot of time as she needed to leave by 6:10 in order to get to work. I arrived at 5:52, she was on the couch putting her flight boots on, I told her how wonderful she looked, showed her the phone, told her it needed to be charged for 24 hours, plugged it in, told her to bring it tomorrow and I would show her how it works, thanked her again for everything, gave her a kiss, told her I'd see her tomorrow, and left. I was gone before 5:58 p.m. The old me would have sat on the couch until she asked me to leave. Trust and boundries.<P>Is it me, or does this look like a bunch of rambling?<P>My feelings are as such: I'm elated, I feel like I've been given another opportunity in life. I'm scared, I hope that this is all for real and that she is serious about this. I'm afraid, I hope that I've changed enough to make this work. I'm calm, I understand that this didn't break over night and that it can't be fixed that way either. We both have quite a journey ahead of us, and I'm glad that I hung on and waited.<P>Take care.<P>Eric<BR>

Eric, <P>That is really good news..You know it won't <BR>be easy for either one of you, and yes trust<BR>and boundries are a biggy..I am still working on learning to set them properly..and it's not easy..it's easier when there is someone<BR>there who will respect them..and encourage you in the growth..I haven't had that..my stbx doesn't have apporiate boundries..and certainly has never respected mine...he doesn't even respect the kids boundries in some areas..I sometimes think it's just selfishness on his part..so used to being alone and not living with others and never learning to share things..even the TV...unless it's for our son..but not the girls..and they resent it already..and don't like going to spend time with him..but he doesn't "understand" why...oh well enough rambling..<P>I think its great things are going good for you..just don't rush it..take your time

Well fellas,<P>I would have to say all the qualities you list for an ideal mate I would agree with. At the tope of my list is HONESTY. My husband cheated on me and lied so much to me. I can't believe anything he says. We are not separated and will likely get divorced. <P>Can't believe