I've been on tour through the depths of marital hell! It's an E ticket ride for sure, but not a happy one...no smiles here.. I want to get off! I just don't know how.<BR>After putting up with my W's 2 yr affair, knowing all along but unable to stop it. Lied to and then begged to forgive and give "one more chance" only to have that chance thrown away again and again, the latest chance being now that she's pregnant with OM's child. I just can't deal with it anymore and I think it's better to stop. Stop all the hurt, the cause of the hurt (her). But at the same time I feel she needs me there to help her through all this too. Why is it that I must give and give yet get nothing but hurt in return over and over again? I'm numb. I'm completely withdrawn and uncomfortable in my own house. Everything seems fine and dandy for her, why shouldn't it? She's still with her husband, had a 2 yr affair with great sex more often that she even gave me the chance to have with her ever. The few times we've "fooled around" since, it's been lousey. No feelings on either side it seems. I have to think of other things while attempting to have sex with her, if I get one thought of her and OM, it's over! She's got a new job and now she's telling me she wants to open her own bank account! Oh, I see, it's "what's mine is her and what's her's is her's" again huh? No! It's time to stop. I have no trust or respect for her anymore. Her only plus is that she's the mother of my son. Why do I feel like I'd be turning my back on a friend in need if I had her leave? Why is that stopping me from speaking out about it? How in the world can I have her leave and it not affect our son so much? He has no clue. He's never been away from her (he has been away from me). My son and I have become very, very close of late. He seems to want to be with daddy moreso than mommy these days. Typical boy stuff I assume.<BR>She has always stated she will not argue custody for she feels I could provide a much better life for him than she ever could. We also have discussed a while back as to who would get what if n when we ever did decide to split. But now, how do I tell her I want out? Especially now while she's pregnant? I think she's got enough things on her mind to stress her out already. But then again, I've been stress on this for 2+ yrs, right? Can you tell I'm at wits end? I told my parents the whole deal, they'd love to see me work things out but also understand if I didn't. My mom thinks I just want to be a bachelor again. But I tend to differ on that since I'll be a single dad, not just single. I just feel I should have the chance to find someone who loves me for me and I for them. I/we don't have that now, never did, chances are never will. Do we stay together for the children? I don't think that's ever a good idea. Please, somebody help me!

Oh Blues, I wish I had some magic that could take away your pain and suffering. I wish I could give you the answers you want. But only you can do that. Search your heart and soul, and remember to thy own self be true.<P>------------------<BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>* Viki

Blues,<P>I can hear that you are in a great deal of emotional pain...not a good time to be making major decisions in your life. I strongly encourage you to get help with a counselor. Sort out your heart. The hurt and the betrayal is very difficult to live with. It sounds like wife is doing very little to deposit love points...but just getting out isn't always the best option when there are kids involved. Sometimes shutting the door on the pain is easier, but it always surfaces again at a later point, just fermented a little bit more by bitterness. I know I'm walking it. But it's better to deal with the pain then to bury it, cause if you find another wife, you'll end up dropping the original pain on her and she won't deserve that. I know about that too cause I'm a second wife to my husband.<P>Get some intensive TLC from a counselor... talk about the pain and the hurt...get the pain and the hurt out in the open. Then you can start to heal. But don't make a decision while you are in turmoil... it might not be the decision you can live with.<P>Love to you dear friend... and prayers that you can hang onto a little bit of sanity until you can work through your pain.<P>We are here...<P>God's blessings!

Blues,<P>You are truely in a tough spot. Have you spoke with your wife about plans with the OM when the baby is born. I think her wanting her own bank account, but still sharing yours is a bad sign. Also, she told you that she would give you your son if you all decided to split, another bad sign (why would she give up her only son). Evaluating what she has told you it seems that she is definitely planning to fly once the baby is born. It would be in your best interests to start taking care of yourself. I am not saying that you should give up hope on your marriage, but make sure you are protected emotionally, financially, and sprirtually.<P>Blues, you have done alot of work to repair your marriage, but you can never change how a person feels. You can influence, but you cannot change the feelings. I can only imagine the pain and agony living in your household with your wife being pregnant by the OM, and not knowing what is going to happen with you and your son. I will say a special prayer for you when I lay for rest tonight.<P>Peace and blessing Blues.<BR>

Hi Blues:<P>Nope, I didn't come here with Marisa's phone number...<P>I'd suggest that you do some counseling with Steve Harley at MarriageBuilders, to sort out your situation. Although I've pointed this out to you before (I think), read the Q&A that focuses on this situation; <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063a_qa.html</A> and the "following" letter from the husband.<P>Harley's advice to you would be to sit down with your wife and use the Policy of Joint Agreement to first decide whether or not to divorce. You need to be honest with your wife about all your reservations. And she's got to be honest with you. You may both decide that divorce is the best option. If you decide to work on the marriage, having this discussed until you reach an enthusiastic agreement will help keep you on course.<P>And I suggest that you do all this under Steve's supervision. <P>It's unclear to me that you and your wife have "Never" loved each other. I think just the fact that you're still in the marriage indicates feelings of love. But you should definitely get into counseling soon---you need to start making these decisions before any other "thoughtless" behaviors by your wife (or you) endanger your marriage more.<P>I think that your son should be a big incentive for you to try every means to keep the marriage together. But your marriage must grow to something that meets your expectations (and those of your wife)---and I think a good coach will help you to get there. Give Steve a call.<P>

Blues,<P>Sorry you are having such an awful time. <P>I have been through a lot. Tony has been cheating on me off and on for two years. After the frist group of affairs he promised it would never happen agian. Well it did...I caught him on-line with women. His entire MO is to chat with them on line via cybersex than move to phone sex and finally real life sex. I just caught him in stage one.<P>I had a dead line of August 31 on me to decide. I have not really made a decision since he did follow through on the list of demands. Now I am still leaning on the side of me going into complete plan B. This is no contact till he can really decide what he is going to do. Yes he is not seeing anyone but I have been put through a great deal.<P>I have several suggestions for you but I wanted to let you see where I am coming from:<P>1) If she wants a seperate account than so be it. Close out the joint account and both have seperate. Tony and I have seperate accounts and it has worked well for us. We each pay half the bills and our own personal bills. Tony has placed my name on his credit cards but I have yet to ever even place them in my purse to use. I have not placed his name on anything of mine. (not for all but it works for us)<P>2) If you really think you have reached your limit than write the plan B letter. Stating that you love her and want to work on the marriage but can not live like this. Yes she is pregnant but you know what at somepoint you will have to worry about your own sanity and ability to function for you child's sake.<P>3) Get legeal seperation papers written and also legal gardianship of your son. You are not getting the big D but it will protect you not only financially but you will know your son is safe with you. (I really question a person who does not wish to have custody of their child and I really think you are the only sane parent right now) Also along these lines if you think the child to be is not yours ask for a praternity test. You can always adopt it in the future if you so wish but if it does come down to divorce you will not be saddled with child support. (I am not a lawyer so I would talk to one in you state)<P>4) Get into therapy if you are not. Even if she will not go...go for yourself.<P>Try to remember the affair is not your fault it was a decision she made. Try and take it one day at a time.

well said by all who have posted. I agree with the plan B idea. You are losing all the love you have for her by constantly having her withdraw love units when you talk to her or see her. I know it is tough to do but if she just got pregnant, you can do it for a few months, and she will have much to think about. Then if there is marital recovery the OM HAS to be out of the picture entirely. I think 2 yrs is plenty long to have waited for her to decide what she wants. I admire you for having waited this long, but at the same time you probably should have made her decide sooner because of all the pain it has caused you.

look up whether you CAN file for divorce in your state while she's pregnant. you can't in california.<BR>seems like you've really put up with a lot, though, i'm sad to see your sense of humor is taking a vacation <BR>Yeah, maybe she is planning to skip out once baby is born. when i got prego, i knew my H might leave me over it, and i did not care...must be an estrogen thing (it is his baby, for sure, though)<BR>anyway, sorry to babble. i hope something good happens. how about that trip to vermont? isn't it almost time for the leaves to change?<BR>hang in there<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Hi all, sorry I didn't reply sooner....times are very tough for me right now and rehashing all this just makes things tougher.<P>Let me try to answer a few things here.<P>K, damn it! How much longer are you gonna make me wait for Marisa's number?.... <BR>I've tried sitting down and discussing this whole deal with W, but she still isn't being completely truthful. There's no way we can work things out if she isn't. That's why I kinda feel like she really doesn't want to work it all out. I'm gonna bring up the topic again tonight. A while back she admitted she was never in love with me. I was her rebound from her first marriage and I was so different from her ex-husband. That's what she liked about me. I also found out that she was still married to him while we were "dating". So I was unknowingly the OM then. I can see a vicious cycle in her life here, can't you? I just don't feel I can trust anything that comes out of her mouth these days. She'll stare me in the eye and lie as long as she thinks it's what I want to hear. I'd have to catch her in it before she says anything. I need to get some help on my own, whether it be Steve or someone local.<P>THe main problem I'm having now is....the family has now been notified and they're all telling me "congrats"! Congradulations for what? For allowing another man to impregnate my wife?!<P>She just called me, she's made an appointment to talk to her pastor tonight. We'll see what happens there.<P>There's also a ton of legal questions that need to be answered still. I need to find a good lawyer. (boy, talk about an oxymoron.. ) (see lWb, I still have that sense) As far as your question on Vermont, a good friend of mine whom I've confided in has offered me the use of his lakefront cabin with boat included for as long as I may need, just as long as I promise to invite him fishing 3 days out of my time there. What a guy! Good friends are great. If only he was a female..... <P>Well kids, I gotta run and help somebody do thier job right again. Take care.<P>Blues