To all:<P>nikkilynn2 and I just had a quick thread on our spous's families that got me thinking. While my wife and I share (shared) many of the same basic beliefs, wants and desires, our family backgrounds were so different: I have so many aunts, uncles and cousins (number in the hundreds)it is hard to remember everyone's names. <P>She has two aunts and five cousins. <P>My family is loud and straighforward - they often speak before they think. <P>Her family considers every word they speak very carefully before proceeding.<P>Holidays are so different at both of our houses. We both are Christian families so we celebrate the same holidays, but the ways we celebrate are almost "black and white" to each other. <P>How about you all? Were your families the same, similar or exact opposites of each other? <P>Do you think that plays any part in where your marriage is at now?<P>Just curious.... <p>[This message has been edited by SoTired2000 (edited November 14, 2000).]

Mike,<P>Family differences are a sign, everyone needs to heed them. I had the same situation, different signs, but I couldn't read them clearly in the beginning. Now I can.<P>As Frank Pittman says in his book, Private Lies, it is much easier to marry someone like you from a similar background, than it is to marry someone who is completely different and comes from a completely different background.<P>Family differences are a breeding ground for miscommunication, and serious areas that may not be compromised easily.<P>Simple obvious differences with my situation:<P>1) my family traditional: F worked M cooked and cleaned, F did vacations, various kinds of travel, and just beach house. M did education.<P>2) STBX's family, both worked, STBX third generation working W. F cleaned house and cooked, M did the criticizing. Family did one kind of vacations, in the car/motels/hotels. M didn't provide education, mom only took.<P>yes, looking back it was a source of great problems, the problems were <B> unfulfilled expectations from the family of origin. </B> and that comes from both sides.<P>there were alot of them. and so since I didn't/couldn't fulfill them properly, she has decided to find someone else to do it.<P>WIFTTy

ST,<BR>This came up in my counseling too. My family was very quiet, reserved. I only remember my parents fighting one time, even though my dad used to drink alot on Sats. We went on 2 vacations in my life time.<P>X's family life was loud and busy. I think x's grandparents or babysitters practically raised them as the parents were partiers. X told me her parents were always fighting and making up. They went on vacations every year.<P>I see me seeing or looking for a marriage like my parents and my x expecting one like her's. She kind of did too, her father had an affair but they are still together.

well, Family differences were certainly difficult for us, I did my absolute best to never embarras him or his family. When our 2 families got together ( not very often because we all live in different states )I would sweat bullets because I knew my H thought very little of my family, and so did his family.The dissaproving looks, and attitude made me so uncomfortable. It is pretty sad , as much as my mom loves my H, she says "he always thought he was just a bit better "

Yes, <P>the differences can be great. My parents invited my ILs to alot of family functions, to some events, etc. My IL's never returned the favor. Never to this very day. My STBX never liked that, and her IL's have always been her rescuer of any kind, need money, here it is, need baby sitter, be right there, etc, etc. indulged her whatever she wanted, alot of her life. FIL used to call her princess, I told my FIL, there is no royalty in this house, there's equality.<P>I of course did not indulge her all the time.<BR>so, there is alot to family differences, meaning, the apple does not fall far from the tree.<P>Oh yeah, my ILs upset my STBX so badly one day with their actions, STBX ran to her room crying, that I threw them out of the house. They were much more respectful after that. Although my FIL never liked to discuss items with me, never did, only weather and traffic for the most part, and asks me about my job, that's it. MIL, nothing. I never really did fit in with them, although STBX was readily accepted by my family. invited everywhere, etc.<P>just another learning experience. You can't make everyone happy, and its worse if you try to.<P>WIFTTy<P><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited November 15, 2000).]

This should have been a BIG red flag for me!!<P>Our families are total opposites!<P>I have a huge family. My maternal grandmother had 14 kids and my paternal grandmother had 10 kids. So there are big family get togethers! My parents rarely argued, and have been married for almost 34 years. And both sets of grandparents were married for about 45 years, until my grandfathers died. Neither grandmother remarried. My maternal grandmother has been a widow for 27 years. <P>My stbx's mother is on her 4th marriage, and his father is on his 2nd. The men in his family that are divorced are all absent fathers. STBX doesn't even really know his father or his father's family. His father lives in the same town we do and stbx has only seen him 3 times in the past 20 years. I don't want my children growing up this way, but it seems like that's how it's gonna be.<P>I should have definately sat down and looked at all of this but I was young and very naive!! <P>Mitzi

I can point to the differences in our families from the point of view of the holidays (Xmas in particular).<P>My family is loud, straightforward, has all kinds of food all over the joint, passes out the presents helter skelter (fine with me) and generally has a lot more laughs and "yuletide jollies."<P>W's family has a drawn out mundane type of regimentation. About 2 weeks before Xmas, we had to travel 3 hours each way to attend MIL's "tree trimming and reading of the family letter." Then return for Xmas and have the gifts passed out one at a time. It could take 4 hours, but luckily we usually had a halftime break. Little if any food, Nothing in the oven. No shrimp cocktail, just a bowl of peanuts and cheese and crackers.<P>The family letter one is the one I'm curious about this year. I have a means of getting a copy sereptitiously. When W's sister's husband had affair and filed for D, the letter said "____ decided to leave the family this year."<P>What will it say about my W this year? I guarantee it won't use that verbage!!!<P>But W did leave the family, had an affair with a man she hadn't slept with in 24 years, effectively took daughter away from me and me from her. The destruction is the result of selfish egotistical narcissistic histrionic rage.<P>I can't wait to see how MIL approaches this one.<P>MIL thinks that they are the "perfect family." Never have I seen such a bunch of dysfunctional pretentious "would be's".<P>Bring on the shrimp, cookies, wine and song!!!!!<P>Jay

Well, looks like I'm the odd one out on this one.... <P>There were some differences, but not major ones. Both of our parents are still married. Both have medium to large extended families... closer to mother's families (cousins, anuts & uncles) than fathers (even though both of our famalies on our father's sides live *mostly* in the same state, and our mother's famalies were out of state). <P>I remember the first time he took me to meet his mother's family in MO.... I was so nervous about meeting his grandmother. It was like walking into my own grandmother's home.... walk in, get a big hug, and then forced to eat. Everyone gathered around the kitchen table, there was alway food, laughter and love... <P>I will tell you though, we made it to all the major family events for his family (weddings & stuff), but I usually had to go to my family's events alone.<P>It's funny now, I miss his family so much... I think that's the hardest part for me about this divorce... I not only lost my x (I'm OK with that now), but I lost his family too, and I don't know how to get over that yet.<P>Ok, time to go before I get all weepy...<P> Flutterby<BR>

Jay<P>I am with you, holidays are not supposed to be regimented, I like tradition, but have fun for goodness sake!!!