Hi all,<P>I haven't posted here in a while. I hope you don't mind me coming back for a quick question. Today my ex-H called and said,"I need to talk to you. Is there something I should know about?" I asked him what he meant and he said the kids (we have 3) have been acting weird for the last several weeks and he wants to know what's going on. I told him (honestly) I have no idea what he's talking about. The kids have been fine with me. Then he told me he didn't have time to talk right now but he would call me back later to find out what was going on. What do you guys make of this? I really don't know what he is alluding to. He sounded angry and accusatory. In case anyone here doesn't know, my ex left in Jan 2000 after a 9 month long affair and moved in with his OW. We were divorced in Aug. He still lives with OW and they are not yet married. Anyway, anybody have a clue as to what's going on???<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Hi Keridwen,<P>Maybe they know it is aproaching the time when he left. Plus you are hitting the holiday season and it will be not as a family like last year. He left you for the OW so I am sure they might blame him. Just some thoughts from me.

Keri,<P>I had a call from my x a couple weeks ago that almost mirror yours. My x was concerned because d(13 yo) was acting resentful and disrespectful towards her. I let her praddle on for a while be she kept coming back to the disrespectful stuff. I finally asked her if d maybe didn't respect her. Of course that was all my fault according to x.<P>I think the WP(wayward parent) buys into the the line that kids are flexible and adapt easily and expect the kids to act like nothing has happened. Then when they do act up or even act normal, the WP is suddenly all concerned. I think a lot of my x's concern is when om/fiance isn't around and she starts thinking again.<P>Not long after the conversation, x was fighting with d, I don't know who was more childish, and she was going to crack down on d. Last weekend, d was hardly even there as she was with her friends all weekend and then today I find out x is planning to buy a computer. A couple weeks ago the computer was the devil because thats what my d wants to spend all her time on.<P>Its probably nothing. Don't expect much from WP and you won't be disappointed.<P>Hang in,<P>Bob

Hate to sort of change the subject, but RWD you are so right. My H moved out this week. We talked today for a few and I finally stuck up for his daughter. (She lived with us also). He was thinking of having his partner (Not OW) move in and help him out financially (Partner a F with 3 kids) and having his D move back in with her mother. I told him that would destroy her, to think that he was willing to have 3 other kids in his house but not his own. She (D) is very sensitive and it would make her feel so rejected. I pray that he doesn't do this and told him as much. Why do some parents think that kids are so resilient??? They are people also!! I am certainly not being very resilient and I am much better "prepared" emotionally to deal with something like this...

Thanks, you guys. You are so right! My ex has even said he knew the kids would be just fine. This was just a minor adjustment. Kids bounce back from this all the time...yadda, yadda, yadda. Now, maybe he's seeing everything isn't rosy like he wants it to be. I have been obsessing on this all day. Trying to think if I've done anything...you know...same old guilt trip. I hate that he can call me up and get me this upset. Thanks for the support.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Bob is right, and my STBX is seeing that also, for the first time. She said to me, the kids will be fine, but of course she was thinking that the kids see the world exactly as she sees the world. (not!)<P>and now STBX has way overstressed her body's capacity for coping, and her body is literally breaking down.<P>and I have to tell you, when parents can't verbalize and fix their problems, do you think the kids can get straight answers and understand? not!<P>as a non custodial parent, but as the more concerned parent, and the one that sees more causes and effects, communication and constant reassurance is the key, and WS are never known for that quality.<P>good luck, but post back with questions again. this is also good to hear for the rest of us.<P>WIFTTy

Hi Keriwden,<P>good to hear from you..<P>I agree with everything everyone else has said. The WS seems to think that they can move on with their new life, and new partners and that it won't affect the children.<P>This is the little pearler that my stbx H said.<P>Him - "Do you think the children are happier now? I think they are"<P>Me - "I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Do you mean since we've separated?'<P>Him - "yes"<P>Me - "well, if that's the way you want to justify your actions to yourself, yes, they are happier"<P>Of course, he blew his top at my comment. He doesn't see that they are happier because I have turned myself inside out letting them know how much Daddy loves them, cares for them, and will always be there for them. Yep, even telling them what a fine man Daddy is....<P>Oh he's fine alright - when he's doing his thing, his way, in his time.... Selfish Pig.<P>oooops sorry, that one slipped out!!!!!!!!!<BR>naughty girl..........<P>I have told myself that what he does with my children and girlfriend#5 when I'm not there I have no control over. I firmly believe he would never hurt them or allow anything to happen to them. This issue (my children with someone else) just about killed me over the last 2 weeks. I came periously close to doing something that I had never thought about before. I cannot let him destroy me.<P>You must have faith in yourself. You are doing the right thing by your children, and they are coming first with you. Which is the way it should be.<BR>I think, and this is only my opinion,... that when our WS do these things, and make these comments, it is at a time in THEIR lives when they are questioning what they have done. And what they have lost. <BR>Give him the truth, keep calm, and let him deal with his demons.<BR>You have nothing to worry about. You are doing the right thing.<P>Big hugs to you<P>Jo<P>

Just a little update...ex and I talked over the weekend. He wanted to know what I had been doing lately to undermine his relationship with the kids. I said I had done nothing. And he came back that I may have done it unconsciously. Then I asked him if he thought maybe HE had done something. He was indignent. Of course he hadn't done anything!!! Whatever. I tried telling him that this was to be expected. The kids are grieving too. He will NOT believe that. He says he knows he did the right thing and that the kids are better off for it and he's a better dad now. Yeah right. Seeing them a couple of days every 2 weeks makes him a much better dad. Why couldn't I see this before? Maybe we should suggest that ALL the dads of the world walk out on their families and see their kids about 5 days a month...they'll be better dads for it!!! I'm furious, if you couldn't already tell! How dare he walk out on us for someone else and then have the nerve to blame ME for his poor relationship with the kids! I would love to throttle him right now! What a selfish, stupid, self-centered, unfeeling, dumba$$, SOB!!! I'm sorry if any are offended, but boy am I pi$$ed about this! <P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I sense that my sons relationship with my STBX is probably not all that great, since she's the one who left and refused to try. He's 9 & I think he has a pretty good idea of what' going on, although I've never said anything to him other than I still love her & wish that she'd come back and try.<P>I think as time passes, he'll see everything that's going on. <P>I refuse to believe that this is in any way healthy for kids, unless there was abuse. In my case there was not, so I see this as her putting her wishes and desires above that of her son and husband. Doesn't make her look like the best mother in the world to me.... <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{KERI}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I think your ExH sound like mine. How does THIS make them a better dad?? Bull!<P>Its easy for him to blame you for "undermining" his relationship with the kids. Then he wouldn't have to take the credit for screwing it up himself.<P>My ex is mad because my boyfriend takes me out every week. So we go to dinner and a movie, or a get together with friends. Whatever we do, its none of his concern. I work at home 60 hours a week with Daycare and my ex takes them 30 hours every other weekend where his GF/OW takes care of my kids. NOT HIM. Yet he feels my going out at 9pm on a friday makes me a bad mom. He feels it traumatizes them. He feels its wrong I stay home on a night when he has the kids (quit following me!) yet he feels they are totally fine for him leaving on xmas.<P>Go figure. Now that its coming up on a year for many of us, our kids have had time to get used to this idea and will start to form their opinions. Most of the kids have stayed loyal to their parent who has custody of them, except for poor Wilbok who's having problems now. <P>I hate to say this, but I have told my ex, that I take my girls to counseling and have done everything with them this year, soccer, soccer tournaments, girl scout cookies, school functions, sleepovers , parties, you name it, and they get along with me great. Its really not my problem if they don't have a good relationship with him, thats between them and him at this point. I never bash him when they are around, and I never bash OW. My kids think I like them both. Other than that, what can we really do??<P>You hang in there, and don't be such a stranger.<P>Dana<BR>

Keridwen,<BR>My sister is going through something similar. Her ex was a big-time philanderer and did finally marry one of his girlfriends...One who would look the other way with all his cheating. My sister did not date for 2-3 yrs after their divorce, and, despite all his cheating, he had the nerve to get pissed when she finally did start dating. Maybe your ex thinks you are dating now? Of course, when/if you do decide to start dating, he will probably blame that on you too. Like HIS dating (while still married) has NOTHING to do with anything... You've got to wonder. You know, I think that some people just come out with this cr*p because they are used to us taking it and used to us taking the blame for everything. That was certainly true in my marriage. <P>You stick to your guns, girl. You sound alot better these days. <P>RWD,<BR>"I think the WP(wayward parent) buys into the the line that kids are flexible and adapt easily and expect the kids to act like nothing has happened." So true. Unfortunately, I think it is not just the WP who believes this. I know people who aren't married (yet) who think this. All I can say is "please don't breed!!!" <P>You know, so many WP seem to forget who the ADULT is supposed to be. For some reason, they expect their kids to carry the burden of their bad decisions. Why do some people expect kids to be so resilient, yet these same people can't seem to be resilient enough to work at a marriage? DUH!!!