hi, <p>My fiance and i have a close, committed realtionship; we're excited about our wedding this April. We've been through a lot together, and respect each other's opinions. We could use some advice regarding his parents.<p>He is an only child, and has always been very close to his parents -- they were his "best friends" when he was younger. However, they've had a hard time accepting that he is a "grown-up" now (he's 29), and don't respect many of the decisions he's made. Specifically, they don't approve of me: I don't share his religious background (he's Christian and i'm agnostic), and I didn't have a "healthy family" growing up. I have never met his parents, but they have hurt my fiance and me with their intolerance and hateful comments. <p>He says "They're smart people, they'll come around." I don't want to force him to choose between his parents and me, but i don't appreciate his explaining away their opinions. He understands this.<p>He had hoped we would be able to stay at their home over Christmas; they said "no, but perhaps she could visit." This was quite a concession from them, but not enough for me -- I don't think i'm ready to talk to these people if they don't consider me fit to stay in their home. <p>My concern is, will it be better in the long run if i try to accomodate them strictly at their pace, accepting them as they (if they) accept me, or if i stand up for myself? Selfishly, i want some kind of apology from them admitting that they've hurt me and their son by their behavior.<p>My fiance understands both views. I'm just not sure if what is easiest now is best later.<p>Does anyone have some advice?<p>Many thanks,<p>ericaj

ericaj,<p>The part about the parents doesn't bother me. It's time for their son to be a man apart from them and they need to get over it. Period. <br>The part I'd be worried about is the union of Christian and agnostic. Now, people bear these titles easily. But if your husband is serious about his faith and you about yours then there is potential for trouble here. I once knew a couple where the husband was of no faith and the wife was a Christian. Yet he took care of that family and they stayed together though the husband finally did convert to Christianity.<br>Yours may be one of those relationships where you can get along. For a while. No one can say it can't work but the potenital for it not are enhanced. There will be (assuming he takes his faith seriously) things he won't be able to share with you, which means an important part of his life will be outside your reach. Perhaps the same will be true of you.<br>When I met my wife she was a Christian (a serious one) and I leaned more toward Eastern religious thought and new age understandings. After we dated for a while she said we had to break up. I was floored because she had told me she liked me better than any guy she'd ever dated. When I confronted her with that she said, yes, that was true. But that if we got married there would come a time when I very well might not understand her commitment to God and the actions that would entail. It would therefore be a potential source of conflict. In spite of the couple I described she knew more couples that did have conflict from this very thing.<br>So, this doesn't mean that this will happen to you and your husband to be. But the potential is there. I just think you should be aware of it if you aren't already. Often two Christians in the same house can't get along because of differing viewpoints, let alone a Christian and an agnostic.

EricaJ: First let me say that I agree with Bruce in that your beliefs will ultimately become a a bigger problem than your soon to be inlaws. However, having said that I'll get to what's bothering you...his parents. I think that could be a huge potential problem if he is not able to put his foot down so to speak, when it comes to your relationship. <p>If his parents aren't willing to have you in their home, then he should tell him he won't be there either. He needs to make them understand that you are his choice, and they need to accept you if they want to continue to be in his life. If he's not willing to be this firm with his parents then I would seriously re-evaluate the relationship. In-laws have the potential to make your life a living hell as I can personally attest. Good luck, Lisa

Lisa and Bruce -- <p>thank you for taking the time to reply! <p>i'm getting some insight, i think, as to why his parents are unhappy about our relationship. the "agnostic-Christian" union is undoubtedly their largest concern.<p>our relationship wasn't "love at first sight" -- we've known each other for many years, and learned much about communication and compromises. i get hurt sometimes that people would assume that a loving, caring, respectful relationship isn't possible between two people simply because they were raised with different spiritual backgrounds.<p>maybe it would help us to "bridge the gap" if we helped them to understand that we're not going into this blindly, that we know of the potential difficulties, and have already worked through so much successfully. maybe then they would start to understand that their son is making responsible "grown-up" choices, not blind passionate ones. <p>failing this, i'm not sure that i can make any more compromises where his parents are concerned. it would make him very sad to put such an ultimatum to his parents, but it may come to that. :-( <p>thanks again,<p>ericaj

ericaj,<p>Just to add my two cents, I'd seriously think about not getting married to this person. While I agree with the others that religious differences are a problem, I think that the in-laws will be an even bigger problem. That they will not invite you into their home is a way to manipulate their son. I am sure that this will be only the first of many many attempts to manipulate him in the future whether or not you are married. The problem is that his parents do not respect him as an adult responsible for his own life and decisions. That will likely not change without your boyfriend taking a firm stand (and at 29 it's getting a little late). When kids come it gets even worse. I speak from experience. It took my husband almost 9 years and an extremely screwed up marriage to finally put his foot down and tell his family to back off. If I had it to do over again, I would have expected him to do it BEFORE the marriage. It becomes almost impossible after the marriage.

ericaj,<p>I think that bruce, lis & allsides make some good point.<p>However, the one i agree with the most is you ! In your response post, you suggest talking to them - I think that IF your fiance is willing to stand up to his parents (as lisa & allsides mantioned) and his parents are as smart as he says they are, then bring the game to them, so to speak. I am one for putting all the cards on the table and addressing the probs with them. If you & he are confident that you can BOTH do this, then this might be a good approach.<p>If this doesn't go well, for reasons of either his unwillingness to "help" his parents see the light, or due to his parents continuing to shut you out, then what allsides said will occur & things will be rough from that point out.<p>So, if you are the type to keep communicating with him & them about this, approaching them and calling their bluff may be a good appoach.<p>Best wishes & Happy New Year !!<p>Nick

ericaj,<p>Unfortunately, I have to strongly disagree with Nick for the following reasons:<p>1. The decision on how or even whether to cope with his parents should be made by and acted upon by your boyfriend. They are his parents and it is his relationship with them and it is due the same degree of respect that you want them to have for your relationship with your boyfriend. If your boyfriend can't tell them how he expects them to treat you then he is not a fully mature man and not ready to form a primary relationship with someone other than his parents.<p>2. Ironically, his parents will label YOU as the manipulative, pushy, controlling woman that came between them and their son. If your boyfriend is at all uncomfortable with you standing up to his parents, or really isn't committed to breaking away from their control, HE may start to see you in that light when marital problems crop up later (and they will). You will also shoulder all the blame if they get nasty about it and feelings get hurt.<p>No, I think that you need to tell your boyfriend what you expect from him and his parents. If he agrees with you and ACTS on it by setting boundaries with his parent, then you have a firm foundation upon which to build a marriage. If he agrees and doesn't act (this was my case) or lets you act for him, or if he disagrees with you, you may have to come to terms that you will be marrying a weak man or one who is emotionally still a child (which I would suggest you not marry).

Ericaj,<br>Here are two things I think you and your fiance should consider prior to marriage...especially if your husband is a serious Christian. The Bible, the backbone of a Christian's faith, talks about both of your issues. Please bring these two verses to your fiance's attention and discuss them before you wed. <p>About your fiance's parents not letting go:<br>Mark 10:7 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife<p>About a Christian being married to someone of a different religious faith:<br>2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what<br>fellowship can light have with darkness?<p>I'm not saying you are wicked but the Bible is clear that one who has chosen not to believe in God after they have been told about Him, are not righteous in His eyes. It is a well-known and often seen fact that believers married to unbelievers are 1)disobeying God and 2)will fall away from church and neglect their faith. By being married to an unbeliever, you eventually and slowly quit living a Christian life. Agreeing with the others if he does stay committed to his faith, you will be left out of a huge part of his life. There will be time spent at church, in Bible studies, at church events that you won't be a part of and sharing your husband's time will be difficult. He will be forced, on many occasions, to chose between church/God and you. There may also be times when you will not be able to understand decisions he may make because sometimes Christians are called to do things that others would find unreasonable or illogical.<p>This is probably the main concern of his parents. However, where they have a right to discuss their concerns with their son and you, as Christians, they are called to love you also.<br>So, please think about it with him. Marriage is difficult enough without something this major not being shared. Also, maybe you could study the Christian faith more and maybe you might surprise yourself by becoming a believer.

Ericaj, <p>just another thought....<p>my parents are/ were always very opinionated; they had something to say about my wife, my brothers' wife, etc. Many times this caused negative situations because opinions are like generalizations - they seem harmless enough (according to the persons stating them), but they usually hurt someone .<p>I did as allsides suggested, stand up to my parents with regard to my own relationship, but nt to fight them, but to communicate with them & get them to understand the situation before casting stones. I also encouraged my wife, who comes from a family with a very different style from mine, to talk to my parents more so that she could befriend them & break down any animosity that they might have.<p>allsides, sounds like you have been pretty close to this sitiuation. sorry to hear that. I think our thoughts are closer than you think, though. If H doesn't stand up to his parents, then you are correct, his parents will definately consider ericaj to be the "troublemaker".<p>and, hopefully this comment doesn't touch off a firestorm:<p>joAnn, while i'm not a "religion basher", please don't be so quick to impart your interpretations towards ericaj. Where I come from, God is a loving, forgiving kinda guy who accepts all of us regardless of the named religion we apply to ourselves. He is in our hearts; it's all about LOVE - however one interprets that word.<p>hugs to all ! Nick<p>Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to all !<br>

Nickeee, I agree with you. God IS a loving, forgiving God. However, He did give us the Bible as a standard to live by. I was simply giving Ericaj some background information as to why her fiance's parents might be acting the way they are and explaining that religious differences can and usually do cause a stain in a relationship. Please also re-read my post and notice that I did say that his parents are called to love her regardless of her beliefs.

Amen, JoAnn. He is loving and forgiving, but He still expects us to behave according to His rules of conduct--when we don't, we give Him a bad name. A lot of road ragers have the little fishies on their cars...<p>Even if you don't beleive in all of it, ericaj, it might help to know that many theologians and scientists have agreed that if the world followed even just the Big 10, society's problems would vanish. After all, most people wouldn't really like getting treated the way they treat so many others! <p>Ghandi attributed his ideas and success to the lessons and guidelines for living that He laid out very clearly in the Bible (not the NIV--the validity of this translation is under question at this moment). Take a look through it sometime at all its rules of conduct (a Ryrie with it's great explanations at the bottom really helped me out) and you'll get some great ideas for dealing with your future in-laws--after all, living "well" is the best revenge! Besides, its really is so much easier and simpler in the end.<p>You might even ease some of their fears by going to church with your fiance with the same regularity he does. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, at least you might come to some understanding of what he beleives. And talk about adding to the Love Bank! I know that my H is just going along with me when I want to hit the art stores, and he knows I don't get a thrill out of "antiquing", but we do it and do it with a good attitude because the other wants us along. And that means a lot. (Bruce, about that gospel concert your wife keeps bringing up...)<p>I can sympathize--see my first letter here under In-Laws. AllSides is right: It's your fiance's job to deal with their negative behavior and set up the boundaries and rules of conduct with his family, just as it is your job for yours. Doing it yourself or doing it with him just makes them hate you more. Instead, support him and be there for him as he fights them. Give him a safe and happy home to replace the one getting torn away. It's hard leaving something known to something possibly worse! Validly state your feelings to him about their actions and listen to and respect his when he has a problem with yours. Don't call them names to him, them or to anyone else. When you have to deal with them, be yourself as you are with him, maybe even compliment them when you can--that can be tough! But never do it without him there by you. They must see a united front when they are around you. <p>Well, I guess that's my two cents, for what it's worth. Hope I haven't stepped on toes. Good luck!<p>Romans 12:20 "But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing, you will heap burning coals upon his head."

ericaj<p>Something that no one has mentioned. Is it possible that his parents object to you staying at their house because you and your fiance are not yet married? It's just a thought.<p>Lisa