My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and the whole time has been very rocky. We got married after dating for almost 2 years, and from the beginning we have both been hit with one crisis after another - you name it, it's happened. In this last year we have stabilized quite a bit, with money and everything else. We've been in therapy together and apart and that helped get us to the point where we communicate better and do not have so many knock-down drag-out fights. <br>Last year I brought up starting a family and we decided to wait until things are more stable. <p>Now we have been trying to conceive for 2 months and I am consumed with doubts about our marriage. One part of me desperately wants to have children before it's too late and another part of me can't stand to live the rest of my life in this state of emotional starvation. The reasons for our problems have been both our fault, but I have steadily tried to engage my husband emotionally for the last 4 years. My main problem with him is that he is totally aloof and shut down emotionally. I am completely burnt out from being like a puppy dog begging for affection and attention. I have let my husband know that I am on the verge of saying goodbye, but it doesn't seem to register. He is from a very cold, broken, messed up family and part of the problem is that he has never learned these skills. I am from a pretty good family that is very affectionate and I have a strong need for consistent and sincere affection.<p>I have tried setting a loving example, being nurturing and giving, giving, giving.<p>My husband is in therapy and is beginning to understand himself better, but I don't think that he gets how urgently I need to connect with him before it's too late. I think that he is depressed and I just feel I am out of patience in waiting and waiting for him to come out of his shell.<p>He is not a bad guy, he has some great qualities, but I feel sucked dry emotionally, like I can't stand another minute of this. <br>Part of it is that my biological clock is ticking and I need to know definitively whether he will be able to change and meet my needs. The thought of being bound to him through a child and then living in emotional deprivation for the rest of my life is very depressing. On the other hand, I want to be a mother desperately and I am no spring chicken to go out there and find someone else. On the other hand, better now that when I'm even older.<p>I feel like I am going insane. I try and try to get across to him what dire straits we're in, but he just says that he doesn't know how to meet my needs. I printed off a ream of paper from this website and ordered the books, but he proabably will not read it unless I nag and create a scene.<p>This has been going on for a almost month and he still hasn't brought it up to his therapist. That is how disconnected he is. His wife is on her way out the door and instead of taking action and getting advice from his therapist about how to shore up the crisis, he seems to be delving into his childhood issues at every session. Of course there is nothing wrong with that, but if you are in therapy and your wife is going crazty and not sure she can stay in the marriage another month, wouldn't you mention it to your therapist, and try to get some advice on how to contain the situation?<p>I am just ready to commit myself to the loony bin over his complete disregard for this as well as any other "real issues". I am beginning to think that it will take me filing for divorce to wake him up. But I can't take that step unless I'm prepared to go through with it. <p>Please help. I think I'm losing my mind.<br>

I just wanted to respond to you to re assure you that you are not crazy. It sounds like your husband has his faimily issues that ARE making/creating or recreating issues based on his past. He obviously needs to talk about this with a therapiswt. How about discussing with him and the therapist a private session for him to discuss his family issues, and then one for you two jointly with the boundry of keeping on the subject of the marriage and your/his needs. I am suprised that the therapist doesn't make ground rules regarding that, i guess I am always surprised regarding therapists and their actions. Don't just sit there and get angry, tell them both about this bothering you! Good luck! JADE

GoingCrazy,<p>I assume that you've read this site and understand the principles behind it. So I won't tell you to do it (or buy the books...).<p>It sounds like your particular situation is tough becuase you've been giving too long and not getting what you need in return. Can you identify your emotional needs and tell your husband in a respectful way what you need from him? You may need to help him learn these skills.<p>I would suggest some counseling here (or with someone who's familiar with the MB principles): you're about ready to snap, and that'll lead to a much worse situation (affairs, divorce...). I've not really been in your situation so I'm not sure how you can pull yourself out, but by learning and practicing the rules of protection, care, time and honesty, you should be in a 'good' situation.<p>It sounds like your husband's therapy is not helping your marriage. That's not uncommon if the marriage isn't a focus of the therapy. There is absolutely no reason that a disfunctional adult can't do marriage counseling and learn the skills needed for a good marriage. The past has very little to do with these issues: these are behaviorial skills that just need to be taught and practiced. I suggest that you ask your husband if he is willing to try marriage counseling or if you can talk with his therapist (either jointly or alone, with his permission).

K<br>This is an excellent point you've made. I've been discovering that generally the most effective type of therapy for marriages in immediate crises is something they call "Solution Oriented Brief Therapy" - The concentration, as you say above, is on the behavioral skills necessary for a good marriage. The traditional "psychoanalysis" type of therapy spends too much time uncovering the past history which may or may not relate to why a person behaves certain ways and generally is too slow to save a marriage.<p>Your mileage may vary ... but I'd look into an actual "marriage counselor."<p>terri

GoingCrazy,<p>I feel like we're are both experiencing the same emptiness. I too long for consistent and sincere affection, and a strong emotional bond. My husband seems to feel that my needs are a selfish imposition on him, that I make unreasonable demands upon him, even though I want to be able to give those things to him as well... he says thats not what he wants. I'm also dealing with his desire to drink more than seems appropriate or healthy... he doesn't think he has a problem, so I'll just call it a difference of opinion. But, at the heart of things I think some of our problems stem from completely different definitions of what a "good marriage" really means. And different beliefs and values regarding "relationships" and "family". Of course, being human I believe my point of view has merit, but since he does not agree he refuses to consider compromise... and again we seem to have different opinions on what "compromise" means. His family seems very loving and affectionate now... I don't know what life was like for him growing up... he's never really opened up that much. Bruce has mentioned a good diagnosis that for the most part seems to fit my husband's condition: "terminal selfishness".<p>There are days when my husband surprises me and I feel very hopeful, but too often they have been followed by another bout of drinking. It's difficult to build much confidence without some consistency. I hate feeling this way or even saying this, but sometimes I feel like he's being nice or doing nice things to justify the next time he drinks. If I complain then I'm being ungrateful for the nice things he's done. Just last week, he got the tires changed on my car... when I got home from work he was on his way out to meet a friend for drinks (he had already started at home to the tune of 6 or 7 beers) I didn't react, but I also wasn't enthusiastic about him going out... he said "but I got you new tires?!" I said thank you, and he left.<p>I guess I'm getting off the subject... I feel I'm going crazy too sometimes because you just can't reason with this kind of logic. And I know what you mean about the biological clock... I'll be 38 in a couple weeks, and deep in my heart I want another child... I have a 4 yr old now. Time is running out. I do love my husband, I guess I believe that he's trying, but in his own way... I really am trying to look at things differently and appreciate more and I want to find a way to be happy with him... he wants that too... for me to find a way to just be happy, but without depending on him or expecting much from him. Which seems fair to him since he says he doesn't expect anything from me. It's hard to figure out what to do... I think in the end you have to accept that some of your dreams will always be just dreams, and appreciate the bits and pieces of happiness when they come.<p>At least your husband is open minded to the idea of counseling since he's going on his own. You might need to give him this time to deal with his own demons as long as he understands and agrees that the marriage needs work too. In the meantime, you might also benefit from individal counseling. If he really is working on his own issues and making progress, give him the time to progress... the result could be him being better equipt to participate in the marriage and being consciencious of your needs as well.<p>Best wishes

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and wisdom. Estr, I know your sense of isolation well. Today I feel hopeful because yesterday was a very good day for us. Thanks you all again for delineating the difference between the behavioral and psychoanalytic types of approaches. <p>I think my husband can see that he needs to put effort into the behavioral work but I will still have to be the engine behind making it all happen.<p>I want to wish you all a very peaceful, hopeful holiday season.<p>Take Care,<br>GC<p>