The sorry saga of my "family" continues.<BR>D has threatened to live with dad many times....when I impose boundaries and say NO to her. Last time 6 weeks ago, I told her that I loved her,but if she wanted to go, then that is what she must do and I would see her ONLY to have fun together (no tutor, no therapist, no communication with the school etc.) She undertood this and was also told (all with therpist and myself) that she could not threaten to leave each time she did not like me or a situation in my home. If she genuinely wanted to live with her father then this should be discussed in January again.<P>WEll last night she became angry...she has been oppositional, defiant and rude,and I told her to go to her room...and she packed and walked out.<P>I called her at her father...and asked her if she had told dad that this was 'permanent' and not one night. she told me her dad said fine. i then told her to get her dad as i needed to speak to him. he refused to take my call.<P>d has no books as she did not take them......and father did not get her to pick up her books for school today...<P>i did call the school to let them know that d was living with her father until further notice and that he was responsible for her. (in a way that he never has been....before or since this mess began!...one of the "reasons" for the affair was that it was not so nice to come home to difficult kids!!!!!)

willbok99,<P>my teen daughter is playing us both too.. she hates me disaplinning her, and all she sees is her dad buying her what ever it is that she wants.. even if I had already said no, he does it any way.. (I`m sure that he has no idea that I already said no, because she won`t tell him, thats for sure, and he won`t, and refuses to communicate with me, thus the "MAIN" reason for our divorce!!) <P>we have not spoken in over a yr, and the negotiations were all worked out, signed sealed and delivered and we are awaiting the judge to sign the finals.. <P>Just this past saturday, my ex CALLS ME!! well I was shocked, but I knew there was a catch..! he was very nervous, I could tell, by the shaking in his voice, and he proceeds to ask me, if I would like to buy the condo he bought (under his brothers name) and he`ll move back into the house and HE`LL RAISE!!!! OUR!! DAUGHTER!!!<P>My answer!! absolutly not.. he then says, well take some time to think about it.. I said.. I don`t have to think about it.. I`m not givin up our daughter.. end of conversation.. <P>he chose what he (thought) he wanted.. and now decides he wants to change everything.. and take away the only other person left in this world that I love, from my life.. he has got to be delerious!!!<P><BR>his only reason for doing this, is money...! our daughter is secondary.. he wants his investment back.. but it is too late.. the only thing I would eventually concider now, would be selling the house and spliting it, as it states in our papers.. he will never get this house back, or my daughter.. <P>He reverses everything I try to teach our daughter.. and I know, some of it, (not all of it) is out of vindictivness, (and of course my daughter is also playing us both), but he is only hurting our daughter.. not me.. she is growing up, knowing she is going to be handed everything.. because he has the means to do that, for the rest of her life.. she doesn`t know what the word struggle truely means.. <P>the sad part is I have treid over and over again to write him asking to at least be able to communicate about our D, and he still refuses.. so theres nothing I can do about any of this.. I just have to grin and bare it, and do the best I can, to teach her the right ways of life.. <P>I tell you, I get so angry any way, it is probably for the best that we don`t communicate.. because it would probably make things much harder for me, in the long run.. this way I have no one to answer to.. and I get to make all the decissions... and will stick to them.. (he always caved in, and D got away with way too much.. I was always the disaplinary any way!!)<P>at least you had some communication up to now, and most likely things are all oing to come to a head, and your stbx will see the light, and so will your daughter.. give them time.. the grass is always greener.. but they both learn that the grass turns colors if you don`t take care of it!! <P>you are not alone.. so many teens out there are going thorugh this termoil, too.. and some of them are all screwed up.. but as they mature, it all falls into place.. and some do learn.. maybe the hard way, but they do.. eventually..<P>take care willbok99 and lots of luck to you, in your situation..<P>AV<P>

{{{{{Wilbok}}}}}}}}}}}<P>SOrry to hear about this. I am pretty sure your daughter your speaking of , is a teen??? <P>My daughters are 9,7, and 3. I can't imagine them going to live with their dad.<P>The sad thing is, in the end, all this will hurt your d more than anyone else.<P>Hoping for the best for you, don't be a stranger,<BR>Dana<BR>

{{{{{{{{{WILLBOK}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>You have helped me so much in the past, I wish I could return the favor with some<BR>wisdom or advice. I don't have any, but realize that this is just the toughest,<BR>saddest part of divorce, seeing the kids struggle as we do, but knowing that they shouldn't have to, and we never intended <BR>them to.<P>Just wanted to let you know, your in my thoughts, and hopefully, someday, they will realize that the harder road is the most rewarding.<P>tom<BR>

{{{{{{Willbok}}}}}}<BR>That is probably my biggest fear. Everything I hear and read that this is normal too. The best thing we can do is to be the stable parent and hope that our kids realize that a stable life is what they want and return before too much damage is done.<P>Hang in and God Bless,<P>Bob

<BR>Thanks so much for your replies.<P>Numbheart,DanaB,WIFTT,RWD<P>Thank you all so much just for "being there" Nothing anyone can do, but to know that you read and responded means so much.....<P>H has never contacted me since June 1999..and I have only infrequently called him ..and only for MAJOR stuff...like when 16 y old son pulled same stunt in March and dad was going to leavehim alone in an apartment in an area where son was uncomfortable. H's answer...son must choose for himself...asa parent I have nothing to say...I walked out after telling him that he has clearly abdicated all parental responsibility....which he has...and older son intervened and son came home and is great since then , at least in terms of all this mess....other teen issues aside WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN REGARDLESS<P>I have told all my 4 kids it is acceptable and very different if they choose to visit/stay with father than if they storm out due to a parental decision (which I know are not always perfect) Then the door home is no longer wide open.<P>D (14 yo)has lived through seeing the insanity her brothers pulled...and had very clear consequences explained to her....<P>Last night she came by to get her books...I told her that it would have better had she been 15 minutes late for school than getting to schoolon time, but have no books....choices again...<BR>She wanted to talk. I told her that we had spenthours talking at the therapist and she knew what would happen if she made this choice.<BR>She told me that the school was most concerned and she asked why I had called them.I again told her that she was told at therapist that if she left I would no longer have any parental responsibility for her and would only have fun with her,so I had to call the school to let them know she was no longer living with me.<P>She told me that she "loves OW" (BARFF!) but would prefer to be here. I told her that as explained to her previously that she has to live with her decisions.<P>Iasked her if we could perhaps have lunch on the weekend....???She wanted to know where tutor and therapist were.I told her to call them....<P>THis was so tough...but I held firm and her therapist , who I spoke to this am,felt that I had to do this.<P>Naturally I have not heard from the father...even to find out about d's medication!!!!!!(I gave her 4 days supply for ADHD)<P>The biggest dilemma will be when to let her choose to come home. <BR>1)She needs to be very clear about which parental style she wants...laissez faire or with discipline and boundaries. <BR>2)Her father and ow have to learn what it is like to look after a very needy and messed up 14 yo girl. <P><BR>Iwill have to be very careful (with lots of professional input) to make sure that d is not away for longer than she needs to be to learn what she wants,and not for her father and sl&t to learn...i.e. she will not be there "to teach them"<P>Goodnews, estranged son called me from Boston and asked me to visit him next week...so I am booking a ticket. Now that only 17 yo is at home I am much freeer to do what I want and amnot quite so tied down. So will take advantage