I really thougth I was dealing well with everything that has happened in the past couple of months.... but it's eating me alive, and I need to get it out. I keep sinking lower and lower inside. I haven't slept in the past 4 days. I just need to get it out of my system, and see if it helps...<P>I guess it started when my Grandma died in September.... I'm still dealing with that loss, knowing that no holiday will ever be the same. Knowing that no joy or sorry will ever be shared with her again. She was such a great support for me during the whole ordeal of X's A and the D. <P>I was really dealing very well with that alone. But, one of my best friends died two weeks ago.... I'm not coping. She was only 38, and the story her family is telling is that it was just a heart attack. She was too young for that. Something her H said to me when I called him makes me think it wasn't that simple. I honestly think that she took her own life. Some of the meds she was on (life long illness), combined with some of the pain meds (work related accident) were dangerous combinations. Everyone around her was aware that if not taken correctly and timed correctly, they could kill her.<P>She was not the careless type... But, one of the effects of combining the meds incorrectly was heart failure.<P>The day before she died was one she termed a "perfect day".... she felt good all day, and everything just went right. <P>Maybe she felt that she didn't need any more tomorrows that wouldn't measure up to that day.... we had talked about how much her life had changed, and how she longed for the carefree days from only a few years ago... <P>I'll never know for sure.... The only thing I know is that I lost a friend who was more like a sister. Someone who never judged me, but gave me support in everything I did. <P>And my heart is breaking.<P>Ok... I actually feel a little bit better already.... <P>Thanks for listening.<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

((((((((((Butterfly))))))))))<P>I am so sorry. I have no other words. I wish I did - but I don't. <P>I've never lost a close friend near my age to death. I have lost a close friend to illness - mental illness. She is no longer who she was and I have lost contact with her. And it hurt terribly because she was like my sister.<P>Could you talk with her husband? He may be in the same pain and he may need someone to cry with. <P>Sometimes, when people do end their own lives it is not at a time when they are their most depressed. It is when they're on their way back up. I wouldn't know in this case. But I'm so grateful that she described that day as a perfect one. <P>I hope that you find some comfort. I know it must hurt terribly. I wish I had magic words. But I don't except that I am here and I do care. And, please take care of yourself. <P>((((((((((Butterfly))))))))))

Oh, how awful...I am so very sorry for you, your friend, her family.<P>hugs--<P>Kathi

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Butterfly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I am so sorry for your loss. I'm so glad you came here to us to let us give you some support and comfort. <P>I too lost my gramma, and my stbx's gramma (who I was very close with), and I miss them both terribly. At first it felt like I was walking through the world stiff and fake, but gradually the pain reduced some. I do not know how everyone does it, but now when I have a holiday meal or a special occasion, I light a Jewish memorial candle (they burn 24 hours) and set the candle on the table to remember them. That way they are always with us. <P>I also had friend my age who died suddenly and unexpectedly--Jimmy Pealer. He was a friend from second grade and just the nicest guy. Well, he went in for a routine surgery and had complications and died. BOOM just like that. I never even got to go to the hospital because the surgery was supposed to be routine and by the time I found out, he was gone. Naturally, at first I just grieved for him--what else can ya do? But as the grief lifted a little, I began to realize that I wanted my life to touch others the way his had. What I mean is that his life had a profound affect on many people, because he was willing to share himself with us, and it dawned on me that that was the lesson of Jimmy. <P>If your friend took her own life, would you feel any differently about her? Would it change the fact that she's gone? No. She is watching over you and you are missing her. Grieve for her and rest in the fact that she loved you. Take some comfort in the fact that she knew you loved her. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Butterfly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>You're in my thoughts and prayers,<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

((((((((Butterfly ))))))))))<P>I'm so glad you came here. I remember reading some of your posts. You sound really depressed, and I don't blame you. Some double whammys in your life.<P>My priest told me last fall that God wants us to reach out and ask for help from each other. Please keep posting.<P>I'm sorry about your losing your grandma. I'm sorry about your losing your best friend. More hugs.<P> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Butterfly,<P>I`m so sorry about your gramma and freind.. how awful.. <P>what you need right now is lots of <BR>{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>wish I could do more for you.. <P>you take care of you Butterfly..!!!! <P>AV

(((((((((Butterfly))))))))))) I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I have no words of wisdom, just prayers that I'm sending your way.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Take good care, Francis

Butterfly))))))))))) I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and your grandmother. I have no words of wisdom, just prayers that I'm sending your way.<P><P>------------------<BR>Take good care, Francis

{{{{{{{{butterfly}}}}}}}}}}<P>I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I wish I knew the right thing to say but I am so down myself today that I don't know what to say except that I read your post and I am sending you my prayers and hugs.<P>I hope you find some peace and that your not alone right now when you need to be with some friends.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Hi Butterfy,<P>I have some personal experience with with what you are going through, so I can empathize. <P>I can't think of anything else to say <P>skeeebums@home.com<P> <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Thanks everyone.... <BR>You guys are the best. It helped me so much just to get it out and *say* what was bothering me, but all the hugs and prayers and thought really help.<P>I had a good cry this afternoon... that helped a lot too. I've been holding back on that, and reading this let the dam break, and the tears finally came.<P>I'm doing much better this evening... I think I just needed to share.<P>My Grandma always said "Joy shared is doubled, sorry shared is halved"... she had a good point. I miss her, but she lives on in my heart, and her words are in my heart.<P>CJ,<BR>No, knowing one way or another wouldn't make any difference in the way I feel... because either way, I know she was truly happy when she went home. I'm not sad for her or my Grandma, because they were both hurting for a long time before they died.... and I know they are both in a much better place. I'm sorry for myself, because I miss them.<P>Thanks again everyone. I know I will make it through this too.... I have to, because I haven't had my perfect day yet. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs to Everyone}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>Love,<BR>Butterfly

I am thinking of you, too, Butterfly....remember that we are here for you....whateveryou need...<P>------------------<BR>Susan

{{{{{{{Butterfly}}}}}}}}<P>My prayers are with you too. Any thought of grief counseling on your part? You are experiencing alot of trauma in a short period of time. It can't hurt!!!!<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

I am so sorry for all your losses. My thoughts are with you.

Posted on another thread by Bumberii...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>People will forget what you said.<BR>People will forget what you did.<P>People will never forget how you made them feel.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, you guys have made me feel loved, and I'll never forget it.<BR>Thank you from the bottome of my heart. <P>Bob, <BR>It's only been a couple of weeks... and this has really just started to hit me in the last couple of days. There is more going on than I posted too. I'm already feeling better... and I have you all to thank for that. If it doesn't get better on it's own in a couple of weeks, I'll get some counseling.<P>I just need to let go sometimes and admit I'm only human. <P>Thank you everyone... for everything.<P>Love & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P>*************************<BR>The hardest part about being alone is not having someone to hold you when you cry. <P>Thanks for holding me today.

Dear Butterfly,<P>I'm thinking of you, and you're in my prayers. So is your friend and your grandma.<P>Remember, she loved you, and you loved her. Nothing will ever change that.<P>So much, in such a short space of time. Hang on, and know that we all love you<P>Jo

Hi Butterfly, <P>I thought I had posted yesterday, but it doesn't seem to be here.<P>I know the incredible pain you feel when something like this happens. My own personal experience with this was my mom. I think maybe she too decided that there were no more "good" days out there. Maybe it was just an accident. I'll never know for sure.<P>I know that feeling of "this just isn't any fun anymore" and sometimes people do things that we can't possibly understand. <P>God I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. It hurts, and sometimes it makes us angry, and it always makes us wonder.<P>I always comfort myself by thinking that their pain is over and they are in a better place.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Butterly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

{{{{{{butterfly}}}}}}}<P>just wanted to let you know that your in my thoughts and prayers right now. <P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Dear Butterfly,<BR>I am so sorry to read of your losses. I is so hard to deal with. <BR>My best friend took her life 6 yrs ago, and it is still painful sometimes. We wonder what we could have and should have done differently to prevent the suicide. It took me a long time to come to terms with her death. <BR>Let yourself cry and grieve the loss, however long it takes. There will come a time when you can think of her and smile, remember the good times and the joy.<BR>(((((hugs))))) cl

Dear Butterfly,<P>It is a great blessing to have a wonderful grandma like you did. Mine was phenomenal, too, and I still missed her. But I am so proud to have known her and known the wonderful person she was.<P>One of life's greatest blessings is to have a good friend, and you have many. <P>I am sorry that you had to deal with two recent losses. But their wisdom will remain with you, and lift you up when you are down.<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>weep