It's been over a year since I last posted here. At that time I was in the beginning stages of a divorce. My ex had cheated with a married co-worker for about a year. When I finally confronted her with the proof she told me that the marriage was over. Three months later I received divorce papers and about a year later we were divorced. This has been the most painful experience of my life, although there have definately been some positive aspects to my life (friends, family, work). <P>We seperated in August of '98 and last spoke about 6 months ago (all related to divorce issues). We were married for 6 years and knew each other a total of 12 years. Luckily, we didn't have any children. We also both went our seperate ways. We're about 100 miles away from each other now, but I still have strong feelings for her. In return, she is still emotional about the situation and prefers to keep the fact that she's divorced a secret. I sent her some flowers at her new job once as a thank-you gesture, but she responded negatively, telling me that she had to make up excuses about who they were from because she didn't tell anyone she was divorced. Needless to say, that hurt. <P>Well, I don't keep in contact with her, but I still love her. Over the past year, I've been dating but haven't been able to find the right person yet. I realize that I'm supposed to get over this marriage first, but I never stopped loving her in the first place. I've simply come to the understanding that I don't want to be with someone who no longer loves me.<P>I'm not sure what I'm asking for, but I just wanted to share my experience. I do have that small hope in my heart that we could try to reconcile, but I see nothing on the horizion to indicate this will ever happen. I'm actually pretty happy with my life, but I am still unresolved with my ex because of the quick change in our life after the discovery of the affair. The short version of it is that I discovered her affair and she ran away. <P>Thanks for listening.

Been Dumped,<P>Welcome Back. I have been here for almost a year. Thank you for sharing your story too. <P>I think its common for those of us who had an affair discovery sprung on us so quickly, have a hard time letting go.<P>Its hard to go from one life to another. I know my life wasn't perfect but I didn't complain much either. I thought marriages were supposed to be that much work. But I didn't know I was working against another woman. <P>Something you said about the fact that you tried dating and haven't met the right one, yet you still love your ex wife.<P>I dated before I was over my husband. I regret it. Everyone here told me that I should wait. Of course, I have to learn things the hard way! <P>I'm in a new relationship now. One that is turning out to be quite serious and looks like we will have a future together. However, I know I still love my ex deep down, just a little. Some days more than others. Some days I hate him. <P>I kind of felt I might never get over him and thats partly why I started dating. Almost to test myself a little. It probably wasn't fair to those I dated, but I suppose they were testing me too.<P>Its hard to move on. You have good days and bad days. I think the holiday's are making it much worse this year too.<P>You mentioned "the right person". Deep down you may not let yourself see anyone clearly if you are really hung up on your ex. I know I didn't.<P>But when its right, and its the right person, it will happen, you won't even know it was going to happen!!! <P>Good luck,Dana<BR>

Been Dumped,<BR>Hi again.... welcome back.<P>I know how you are feeling.... I really do. I think that a part of me will always love my X... or at least the man he was. That's normal. <P>My XMIL once said something, and I've shared it here many times, and probalby will many more....<P><B>Just because someone stops loving you, that doesn't mean you stop loving them.</B><P>We all have to make the adjustment from Love to acceptance.... but honestly, I don't think all of the love will ever go away.... it just becomes a very small part of you... almost like a memory.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Thanks for the kind words of advice. It's quite hard to explain where I'm at in just a single email, but I thought I'd try to respond.<P>I fully agree with the statement that just because someone has stopped loving you, doesn't mean you have to stop loving them. It is becoming a memory, although a close one.<P>I often wonder (wish?) if my ex will ever call me up someday. It seems VERY unlikely at this point, but that thought still persists. I guess that's just my longing for the past.<P>I've also discovered through dating that there are certain qualities I've overlooked in my past marriage which are much more important to me today. I'm definately a changed man after this, as I'm sure my ex is. I personally think I'm a much better man today due to the adjustments I made in my own life. I definately contributed to my divorce, but it was a definately something that we both contributed to. <P>Don't get me wrong, I am moving on, but I do have these nagging thoughts that spring up from time to time. I still wonder what my ex thinks. Do the ex's that divorce just move on smoothly? Do they think about contacting their ex's? I often think that my ex has just painted a picture of who she thinks I am. I hope this doesn't sound pathetic, but that's just how I feel at times. There's a lot I'd like to know from my ex that I suspect I'll never know. I was truly dumped and never given a chance to reconcile. Well, actually, I was given a chance during her affair, unfortunately, I didn't realize that I was being tested. Nice huh? Life can be so frustrating!!!

Hi - I was dumped also - it really hurts. I was never given a chance to reconcile. My STBXH after our d-day went away by himself for a weekend, got "closure" on our 12 yr marriage, decided counseling could not help us and that we would be happier not being married. He told all of this to me in an e-mail. He said a phone call would be too emotionally draining on him (he lives out-of-state). He is marrying his OW shortly after our divorce. The hardest thing that I am dealing with is thinking that he is going to change for this OW and be the perfect husband/mate/father for her - something that he never was for me. I also feel very bad for our 11 yr old D - she did not have a clue that anything was wrong with us (for that matter neither did I - got used to how things were with us). She now has to get used to the fact that her dad now will permanently live 1800 miles away, she will have a stepmom, and if he can successfully get his vasectomy reversed, have new half-brothers/sisters. This has all happened in less than 9 months. (The new siblings haven't happened yet)<BR>I have found that staying busy is really important and to grieve as much as you need to grieve. This is my first holiday season by myself and fortunately I do have family and friends to lean on.

Alot of that happens on a D/D board, getting dumped that is. But don't give up, just because you haven't found a replacement in X amount of time does not mean you can't. You may not be a risk taker, you may not get into the right circles to meet people like yourself.<P>But keep trying, keep taking risks, because that's what it requires. And the more you do, the more likely you will find a better partner.<P>But noone stops loving their the memories of their happy times with their wives. You are no different than anyone here. We all love the memories of what was once supposedly the relationship for the rest of our lives.<P>Keep up the search. I'm sure there is someone out there, there just has to be, just don't settle.<P>WIFTT<P>