My wife just recently started plans for a divorce and I am hoping you all here can help me out a bit so I don't screw this up.<BR>Here is the story. Me and my wife got married young (about 20 years old each). We had known each other for years but never dated until college. After dating for a while, she became pregnant and we got married. We were both very serious about each other and really did love each other, but neither of us were really ready to get married.<BR>When our son was born, he had a genetic disorder and died 11 days later. It tore us apart. Neither of us know exactly what to do and it was advised that we go to some counselling for this before it got bad. Neither of us went. She wanted to, but I thought we could get over it by ourselves.<BR>About 6 months to a year later is when things started going wrong. We still had a lot of fun together and we get along perfectly. There was no lack of love here. But she started having a hard time not lashing out at me for little things. At first it was very sporadic. And always for little things. Silly little things. But 5 minutes later it was all fine again. She would feel bad for yelling at me and we would go on with our lives. After a year, it started to become much more frequent. Any time I tried to give a little constructive criticism (harmless really) or disagreed with her, she would get really upset with me. And the lashings out became more frequent. Not incredibly often, but often enough. I started getting a bit distant and not paying as much attention to her. Several times over the next couple of years, she requested we go to marriage counselling. But I was too proud. I didn't think our marriage needed it. Not mine! (NOTE for any readers out here...if your wife ever suggestes that she thinks you need counselling, take her up on it. Seriously.) She said she didn't understand why she was getting angry at me so easily and for such little things. She insisted that she loved me so much and that it made her feel like crap afterwards. She wanted to stop but didn't know how. I assumed she would get over it as soon as she figured out what was wrong, and told her as much. More time passed.<BR>Now, four years after we got married, she is on the verge or moving out or divorce. She feels horrible and guilty about the way things have been going. About a year ago, I realized that my neglectfullness was hurting her, so I pointedly put a stop to it, but I still did not go to counselling. We could work this out right? A few nights ago, she told me she wanted time apart. She needed to understand what had been making her so unhappy on the inside for so long. She had given up on our relationship. She wanted to move out and for us to be friends. And believe me, we really are best friends. She is very sad because she doesn't know if she is making the right decision or not, but doesn't know what to do. A friend of hers is leaving his apartment and offered it to her to sublet. It is nice and relatively inexpensive. <BR>I talked to her for awhile, and she thinks that the only way to get by this is to move out for a while.<BR>I finaly decided that our relationship needed counselling. I know I should have done this a long time ago, but beter late than never right? She agreed to go, but has very little faith that this will work out and we can be happy again. She wants it to, but she is afraid of the consequences of failure.<BR>I told her I didn't think marriage counselling would do much good if she wasn't even living with me. We have already started sleeping in separate rooms, although we are still very cordial to each other. Like I said, best friends. I have gotten her to agree to a compromise. During our first session with the counsellor, we will ask him or her if they would suggest her moving out at this point in the process. If they so yes, then she moves out until May, when the lease is up. If he says it would not be a good idea, then she will stay while we try this.<BR>Does anyone here actualy have any experience with marriage counselling? How effective is it and will it work if we don't live with each other any more?<BR>Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.<P>Thanks.<BR>: )

Hello Shy Guy,<P>Welcome to the Marriage Builders Site. I think you'll find a lot of support here as many people are really trying to save their marriage. <P>I think the MB principles are a great place to start. To answer your question, I went to counseling , not the last time that my marriage really did end, but 5 years before. And I swear I fell in love with my husband all over again. I recommended it over the years, and he refused. We are divorced now due to an affair that he left for.<P>I would definetly recommend a counselor HOWEVER, I would get someone who comes recommended if you can. Someone who really believes in saving marriages. I personally think almost all can be saved if both people try and both people love each other. <P>Her anger could be bi polar disorder, thyroid (someone on the board here has a post on that, read Gary's post), it could be the loss of a child, it could be mental illness, it could be a number of things. The fact that she recognized it and felt bad is such a good sign. My mom has mental illness and has no clue she has it and will tell you she is fine. <P>Of course your wife must be scared. I would guess that by the sounds of it, and I'm certainly no expert, but most of the time, its so much better to stay in the house TOGETHER and work on this, not seperately. It worked for me once, and I think it can work for many as long as they have a very good counselor,get the best you can afford!<P>Read all the principles here and get to know some new friends. You will find the support you need and learn so much while your here.<P>Good luck , your headed in a positive direction with the counselor,<BR>Dana<BR>

ShyGuy:<P>I've had quite a bit of successful experience with marriage counseling; in fact, it's the phone counseling provided by Steve and Jenn Harley here at MarriageBuilders (they're Dr. Harley's children).<P>The MarriageBuilder's concepts are terrific, and they can really give you the skills you need to make your marriage terrific. I'd suggest that you spend some time reading everything on this site: Concepts, Articles, Q&A columns. Don't spend too much time here at the forum at first---get the basics down. I'd also recommend that you get a few of Harley's books: Give and Take, Lovebusters, and His Needs/Her Needs. Again, these books will help you get the essence of the MarriageBuilder's philosophy of a good marriage.<P>On to the counseling. Traditional marriage counseling has a very poor record of success. Harley's record (if you believe his statistics) is much better; 90% or so of troubled marriages are saved using his methodology. This methodology is behavioral-based: learning the appropriate behaviors (skills) will make you a better spouse. Doing this consistantly will rebuild romantic love (which is conditional), and marriages that have that romantic love component alive and well are usually very happy, satisfying relationships.<P>You can call the MarriageBuilder's office (888-639-1639) for an appointment, or for a referral to a local counselor, should you prefer. I have found the phone counseling more convenient and more effective than office counseling, so I'm thrilled with the results of working with Steve. I'd suggest that you give them a call IF you agree with most of the philosophies after you've read the concepts.<P>I'm sure that given your current situation, most counselors would recommend that you not separate at this point. There are times where separation is completely appropriate (physical/emotional abuse, affairs, shut-down of one spouse), but you don't seem to be at this point. You can't force your wife to do ANYTHING, however, so I would suggest that you do the counseling regardless of where she lives, or whether she will participate. You can make a difference in your marriage all by yourself!