I have been lurking here for some time, and have even replied to some posts. I guess it is my turn.<p>Mid October my husband told me that he didn't love me anymore, and that he wanted a divorce. Although our 5 yr relationship had been a little off for the previous months, this came as a an incredible surprise. IN the weeks previous to his announcement he had mentioned a "mid-life" crisis, not sure of where his life was going. He had been mentoring some younger associates at work. He then admitted that he had "fallen in love" with one of these, but that she did not know, and that he did not do anything on account of policies regarding such relationships in the workplace. She finished her assignment before Xmas and left the company. I believe that nothing happened. He said that he felt guilty and angry having those feelings towards her rather than me, and had she been a more permanent fixture, he may have made a move. I thought I had lucked out...and had been given a chance to fix things.<p>So he wanted a divorce. Said he did not get enough sex, and that we weren't doing enough together. Said he had been feeling that way for a year. All I noticed was that I was getting close to no affection and was giving him space in the past few weeks, seeing as he seemed so distant... We rarely fought (One of my probs - I run from conflict), had no money probs, and had very close feelings on what was important in life. We spent tons of time together (all our time...) and I accompanied him almost every weekend on his recreational activities. The weekends we did not go together we stayed at home to fix things around the house and such. No kids.<p>I left for a few days, he left for a few days, we were both back home - and the tension between us was growing - my pain and his resentment/anger were not mixing well. I finally broke down, and acquieseced to the divorce - a few hours later he was home asking that we try again, saying he was willing to do anything to fix our marriage, that we had a great life together, etc... and whisked me off on a first class weekend getaway. We had a great time - had sex (and since all this started our love making had improved to 100% - so he knew it could get better).<p>The moment the airplane touched down at home, the good feelings lived during the weekend vanished, and the situation slid back to reality. Another 2 weeks of pain vs resentment/anger, and he moved out to "think things out" and to "avoid saying something that would irreperably damage the situation". <p>In the mean time I had found this site, and had come to realize that I was partly responsible for what was going on - I was not sufficiently communicative about my feelings, and did not realize how important sex was to him. We had moved out of state for his job not too long ago, and my not-working had taken a major toll on my self-esteem. I went into counselling and soon came to realize why I had reacted the way I had in our relationship. I read Harley's and Weiner-Davis' books and started implementing as much as I could - and the changes started working for me (if not for our marriage), and he noticed it too. I had hope...<p>Well it has been one month of separation... weekly dates, and a joint activity every weekend (sports, movies), and each time I thought I could see signs of him warming up. At one point he even said things were looking up for him and that he could consider moving home. Then days of nothing... I did not push for information about how he felt about the relationship - just wanted to get those love units back into the respective banks... gave him space - boy - I think I deserve a gold star for the work I was putting into it all, as well as into myself...<p>We had planned to spend xmas day together, and got the meal all ready. I decided to ask how he was feeling about us, mainly because I was getting exhausted of the ups and downs, what with interpreting all of his actions... was that a pity kiss or "I want to kiss you" kiss? he didn't call... he did call... anyway, you get the picture... was I just putting in wishful thinking? or was there really something? was there anything positive?<p>The answer: " I see all the changes you have been making, and agree that you are changing for the better, but can't believe they will last. Have done more thinking, and have decided that my feelings for you just aren't there, and never will be. Have been sure about it since last week. Where do I get the papers to file?" I again attempted to show I had thought about ways we could work things out... joint agreements, joint counseling, plan B, whatever!!!! but to no avail. But he still cares for me as a friend (unfortunately it's an H I want..) and does not want us to be angry and hateful towards each other. I have just been loving, and forgiving... and frankly, I don't know how to hate, even after all the pain and rejection.<p><br>Next step... probabaly some form of plan B... time for me to rebuild my life without him... and maybe for him to change his mind (again?).<p>I am at the end of my rope... logic says its over - I don't know why I am still wearing the ring on my finger... I feel as though it is the source of a cancer eating me from inside. Emotion tells me I have promised myself to be devoted 100% 'til the end. I know you are all suffering and slugging through your own stuff... is there any hope left? How can I approach this? is it time to just start packing?<p>This has been a very bittersweet lesson in life for me... I have made many discoveries in the past few weeks about myself, and believe that I have really changed my outlook on life and relationships in many ways. I have put "actions into words", but it is still all not enough... I know I have hurt my H so much that he can not forgive me - that is one of the most painful things I have to deal with.<p>Janet.

Janet,<p>Is there still hope? Yes. I don't want you to keep hanging on a string but there is still hope. People sometimes get back together even after they thought they'd split for good. The trouble is that when a spouse has done what you've done (put a lot of time and energy into educating and improving themselves) they give so much until they find themselves feeling little or no love for the other spouse.<br>The things you've done is the best one can do. I don't know your husband but it sounds to me like he needs to grow a little also. I can remember times in my marriage when my feelings of love for my wife weren't very great. During that time I became infatuated with a nurse who used to talk to me a lot when I worked at a hospital. Now, I could have let this infatuation develop into something and made a fool of myself because I don't think she would have returned the feelings. I solved this by bringing myself back to reality. I remembered the things about my wife that made me marry her. She hadn't lost any of those qualities. She had just been going through some problems with her self-image. I remembered that she had accepted me at a time when she very well might have held out for someone else, which she could easily have done since there were no lack of men who desired her.<br>These thoughts brought me back to reality and made me concentrate on what I had, not on some fantasy desire. Since that time she has become a very desireable mate in every respect. But if I had not forced myself to realize what I had instead of letting a lull in feelings fool me into thinking I needed to "find myself" (God but I hate that phrase) or get some space, I'd have lost something great. Of course now (if you've read my posts) I'm fighting to keep just that. Tought things seem fairly stable right now we all know how we tend to see only the tip of the iceberg.<br>I said all that to say that your husband needs to realize what he has. Life is not about falling in love with every person who tantalizes you in some way. You have made yourself a better person through this. If he comes back to you he'll have to make himself a better person in order to have a sound relationship with you. I hope this happens for you because it sounds like that's what you want. But if it doesn't you can know that you chose the right road. There is only so much time and energy you can expend on feeling guilty, mentally kicking and blaming yourself for your mistakes, and so on. Because of the mistakes I've made in my marriage I've gone through all this. But that frame of mind will bleed you to death. You simply have to make peace with it and resolve that the worst thing you could do would be to keep making the same mistake. So you forgive yourself and do better. If you can do it with your spouse that's great. It's what we all want and long for. But if not, as bad as it may hurt, we can't afford to go through the rest of life emotionally damaged and feeling like puke. We have to live. Sooner or later you'll find you'll be able to do it.

Janet,<p>There is certainly hope for your marriage. As a matter of fact, the evidence that you present here would indicate to me that there's even a reason to be cautiously optimistic that your marriage can be saved and be much better.<p>Your husband has noticed your efforts, and they seem to slowly be having an effect. Remember, you have to establish a consistant track record with this 'new you' approach. To show him that the changes will really be part of you, and not some sneaky trick designed to lure him back to a hopeless marriage (like you want that either...).<p>Frankly, if you're not exhausted with the 'plan A' senario yet, I'd suggest that you continue to spend time with your husband (as much as he will allow). It sounds like that's the main concern you have: how much time before he will file divorce. I suggest that you continue to find ways to slow this divorce process down. Suggestions of counseling are good: even if you have to resort to 'divorce' counseling. In addition, in most states if you fail to sign divorce papers, he will not be able to execute the divorce until you have been 'legally' separated for a period of time (usually 6-12 months). So my advice would be to not sign the papers.<p>Practical advice that I could suggest would be to start on anti-depressants soon: it'll help smooth out the swings in mood. I found out about my wife's affair mid October of last year, and I went on meds at the start of the new year. They do help you continue to get through the pain.<p>You really want to delay plan B (complete cutoff) until you HAVE to. It's for your good as well as to get his attention. If you're still able to focus on eliminating lovebusters and trying to fulfill his needs without showing him anger and resentment, then you're not quite there yet. <p>Good luck. If it help put things into perspective, my wife told me that she never loved me, married me for the wrong reasons, had an affair, wanted a divorce, and got pregnant by the OM (among other things... :-) ). She's now downstairs sleeping quietly, and she's happier than she she's ever been in the marriage. I felt as hopeless as you probably are now, but I continued to listen to my counselor, put my faith in God, do the best I could as a husband. And the end result is miraculous. Have heart: you're doing your best during a difficult time. You'll find the hope you need: just try to have patience.

Janet,<br> Hello! I read your post over Xmas, while i was staying at my parents' house without my H. I didn't want to "register" to respond from their computer, but i was looking forward to getting home so i could write you and let you know i'm thinking of you. REALLY!<p> Our stories are painfully similar. I saw your response to me under the "conflicts" section. Our marriages are a lot alike. My H & i have been married for nine years; we mutually decided to not have children (Certainly no regrets, now); he claims there was never enough sex; says he hasn't had feelings for a long time ("years") and does not think they'll return; we do EVERYTHING together (--he says he just asked me to come along because if he didn't, i would just stay home & i think he felt sorry for me); my life centered around him and his activities; he continues to sort of meet-me-half-way, so that i keep having hope (ie, agreed to counseling, started reading books/materials on relationships & said they were "interesting"); completed MB questionnaires & discussed them with me.<p> I felt like i was doing well by giving him space (two week separation now), but every time we talk, he says hurtful things like "i don't want you to get your hopes up"..."go out with your friends, have fun"..."i like the thrill of the chase, and with you at home all the time, there is no chase". Basically, he's gently trying to tell me to GET A LIFE. Gosh, sometimes i hate myself for not having my own interests, then sometimes i get angry and think "that's the way a marriage should be--two people making each other a priority & spending time together. Man, i feel like one of those desparate, clingy women and i HATE that feeling!!!<p> AS you can see, my story hasn't gotten any better. I'm feeling rather hopeless about this marriage right now. Part of me says, get on with your life. Make the best of yourself. Be who you want to be. And part of me is sadly still clinging to any bit of hope. (i've responded to some other posts here, too, if you want more details).<p> Mostly, i just wanted to let you know that you have a friend who understands. You don't live anywhere in Virginia, do you?? Wouldn't it be great if we just lived right down the street from each other? I need someone to sip tea with and cry with right now! I hope you're doing well, and i would really like to hear from you about how things are going??? Bless you!

thank you Bruce, k and disillusioned for your replies and hope...<p>I am completely hopelss at this stage. I just returned from spending 10 days out of state at my mother's bedside - she was in the hospital with pneumonia - ended up there on Xmas day - Merry Xmas eh! It was very frightening - she has been my rock of gibraltar... and I finally have to realize that she is not going to be around for much longer.<p>Husband left copies of the divorce papers on my desk - wonderful way to come home, if home is what you can call it...<p>Bruce and K -you touched on it - I am exhausted. I have tried so much to hold all of the strings together for the past 2 months, putting my marrriage and my H above all else... and I now feel completely and utterly broken. His tone of voice has changed 100% - cold and calculating now... seems that he just can't wait to get rid of me...<p>I find it hard to believe that he could ever come back. I feel he is running as fast as he can... I just don't understand anymore.<p>J<p><br>

Janet:<p>I just read the post responding to your own post. I feel bad for you particularly your last one where you sound so low. I'm sorry to hear about your Mother too.<p>I must tell you though that I was feeling very low just before Christmas and I had a miracle turn around by my husband. I had received a call that told me only on the Monday before Christmas that he wanted to go ahead with the divorce and then on the Friday he was in our home with a present for me and out to dinner the next night whereby he came back for coffee and stayed for 24 hours. One week later stayed for 48 hours!!! Can't tell you how shocked I was and it has reinforced what I already believe and that is to never give up!!<p>We are all rooting for you. Keep up the goodwill, keep trying in a nice measured manner!<p>AND PRAY - IT WORKS!<p><br>Fionn<p>