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Joined: Oct 2000
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A56dove Offline OP
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Nov.15 I filed to dissolve the marriage between me and my best friend---and my heart is breaking. <BR>Why divorce him then, you ask? Well, the past 4(of 5) years I just couldn't understand why he did some of the things he did if he loved me.<BR>He abused his body with alcohol then lied to me about it, was in contact with other women via the internet and visited sites he knew made me uneasy(esp the teen porn sites, since I have a 15 yr. old daughter) He showed a violent temper whenever I brought these concerns to his attention. <BR>But the last straw was finding something hand-written on the computer screen with oil I think, that I think he subliminally intended for my daughter, who also used the computer.<BR>I got protective orders for daughter and myself, but there was a brief contact when the courts let them drop between the time they got the divorce papers. He cried and said he had nothing to do with any words on the computer, and begged me to take him back( which, if I did, would be the 2nd time by the way)<BR>I miss him so much but I can't trust him. <BR>I need help getting over him. I feel so empty. Does it get better over time?

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I wish I could help but I am in the same predicament - internet romance and alcohol - they went together well late at night after I went to bed. I asked my husband to leave last Sunday after catching him on ICQ talking with his girlfriend. I took him back 3 times. He promised to be faithful and cut down on his drinking. He did neither. I deserve better. But I grieve for the many good years we had together. I am devastated. I feel so overwhelmed - so many decisions to make and start the legal process on top of the emotional heartbreak. Life right now is almost unbearable. I do see a counselor who is wonderful. Family and friends you just can't discuss it with.<BR>Tell me too that it gets better. If only I could fast forward to the next chapter of my life. Hang in there. Others have made it and we can we. <P>Can't believe.

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A56dove Offline OP
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Thank you "can't believe", for your reply.<BR>We can make it through this! Let's stay in touch:-)<BR>Dove

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I'm sure it does get better, but it's been awfully slow. It's been almost 3 months since she left & I'm still having very bad days every once in awhile. <P>There are some great folks in here and they have really helped me a lot.<P>We send lots of cyber hugs in here...<P><BR>{{{{{A56dove}}}}}<P>{{{{{can't believe}}}}}<P><BR>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited November 25, 2000).]

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by A56dove:<BR><B>Does it get better over time?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's been about 15 months for me since the H moved out and a year since discovery of the first affair, 7 months since the discovery of the OC, and on and on. I've been doing pretty well. I know what I want, and it isn't a dysfunctional family with an addicted, dishonest husband. Knowing that gives me strength, but there still are hard days.<P>Insight helps a lot. My H is an adult child of an alcoholic. I read up on that and began to understand his copng strategies and the ways that I played into them. He tries to drag me back into the controlling role, but I am not playing anymore.<P>The STBX is also a sexaddict. I got some literature from SexAholics Anonymous that proved to be very insightful too. They don't stop without help. My STBX isn't interested in help, so I know leaving is the right thing.<P>Still, I feel like I am on mourning sometimes and knowing what people typically experience during mourning has made it more bearable. I know there is an end to this and that I am getting there. The days get better and better and the it is longer and longer between bad days. I keep the thought that it's the familiarity and comfort from the known that I miss, not the lying and cheating. I will learn a new way of being and as I do, the attraction to the old way gets fainter and fainter.

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A56Dove,<P>My husband left on xmas day last year. So its coming up on a year. Actual discovery was on Jan 7, when I badgered it out of him. He sued for divorce for MY being cruel and inhuman . I got that on Valentine's day. He moved in with OW a few days after he left, and I didn't know it. He forced my kids to go overnight with him every other week since Jan 7 and accept OW no matter what their own little minds felt. <P>We just got divorced a few days before our wedding anniversary. Its a lot to happen in one year and that doesn't include threats, mind games, withholding child support to make me suffer or deliberately destroying my credit.<P>And at one point in our 11 years, he was my best friend too. At the time of his affair, I knew nothing, had no clue it was going on.<P>He was an abuser of alcohol and yes, a sex addict too. To the point where it created problems for our marriage that I didn't see.<P>It will get better. You have the unfortunate luck of dealing with this at the holidays. It will be hard. You need to take time for you and do what makes you happy or gives you strength.<P>It will get better if you have a positive outlook and goals for the future. You will always have bad days, from what I have learned, there are people who after 5 years, still grieve.<P>A very good book that helped me was called "rebuilding when the relationship ends". Its a book for people going thru divorce and explains all the emotions you are going to feel. <P>I still refer to it, even a year later. I am having a down time right now. But I can feel myself coming out of it.<P>Oh and as far as it getting better, I have experienced things this past year that I never could with my ex because he was so controlling. I also have a new best friend.<P>Someone who brings me flowers , cards, takes me places, and shows me love. So far, its a love I'm not used to, my ex was not affectionate or respectful, so its hard to learn how different people can be. But does it get better???....MOST DEFINETLY!!!!!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Hang in there and protect yourself and most importantly do what you have to , to protect your daughter. <P>Dana<BR>


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