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#675668 11/25/00 07:18 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 66
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Gary Offline OP
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Just picked my kid up and her girlfriend to take them to the movies , met with the ex , was cordial , and complimented her on her looks ( she looks fantastic since her romance ) and the holiday decorations at the house......she doesn't have anything for me anymore.....nothing , she looks at me with nothing but contempt , I'm meeting with my lawyer on tuesday to go ahead with drawing up dissaloution papers....problem is she wants to stay in the house for a year with me footing the bill.....I love her and always will , but I can't and won't be a doormat .....I think two weeks minimum with no contact with her would probably be a good plan.....starts right now.......Get my brain MRI on monday night......pray it's not a tumor.....She just will not see the finality in this situation....does this fog ever clear ? or should I just move on ?

Joined: Oct 2000
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DONT be a doormat. Do be considerate. There has to be a happy medium in there somewhere. I am very new to this whole situation and the one thing that I have learned is that you have to be patient, but also take care of yourself and do what is good for you. Finances are a hard issue to deal with. I have had to be firm but I also have tried to understand his situation as well. Neither of us won in this financially. We both went from a 2 income household to 1.... We have made it as fair as possible with him agreeing to help me, but not support me. I wish there were easy answers to all of it, but unfortunately there are not. <BR>I dont know how you feel about counseling, but I finally found one who I really "mesh" with. He doesn't coddle, but shoots straight and is helping me to deal with the anger, confusion, frustration, and anxiety. Anyway, just my 2 cents worth. Hang in there and keep your chin up!!! <BR>***And listen to the much wiser people on this board than me!!***<BR>

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Ahhh the fog.<P>You know it's amazing. I'm looking at what my wife is giving up (great house, security, a great, I think, family, and a future of happiness and fun )and I can't believe she's doing it. <P>Our two incomes combined allowed us to live almost extravagantly, and now I'm sure every month has her budget pretty much covered. I'm doing comfortably, but not as well as when the two of us were paying the bills.<P>She's not asking for very much in the settlement and is allowing me several years to pay her off. My friends & family are absolutely shocked. The fog she's in must be a total whiteout for her to give all this up.<P>I'll grant that my behavior contributed to her leaving, but as soon as she told me what the problems were, I modified them immediately, totally and permanently. It was already too late though, she'd already gotten an appartment.<P>Anyhow, my belief is Yes, the fog does lift for almost all of them, but I think most of the time it's too late. I'm afraid my STBX is going to realize what she's thrown away in a year or so, but I think that's going to be longer than I can wait. Too bad to, we really had it all.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Gary:<BR><B>does this fog ever clear ? or should I just move on ?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think for those who are willing to look at themselves and live in a real world, it does clear, but for conflict avoiders, and people who come from lifestyles where it is normal to whitewash things and support a fantasy that it's someone else's fault and their world is just fine, it comes too late if at all. <P>For this reason, I think that you have to always take care of yourself first. There are no guarantees in life and things will not get better just because you are self-sacrificing and "deserve" it. Plan A-ing *is* taking care of yourself. If you have to go to Plan B, that is also taking care of yourself, but both plans leave the door open for reconciliation. <P>Fence sitting is co-dependent behaviour. It's okay to take your time deciding or to wait for some sign from the WS, but there comes a time when you have to decide or go nowhere. When you get to that point, I hope you take care of yourself.


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