this is quite the site.<BR>I have only read a few posts but wow.<P>Okay,<BR>My name is holly and i am newly single or divorced or both depending on your outlook.<BR>I have a seven year old daughter who is the absolute most important thing to me.<BR>In my divorce i retained sole custody of her.<BR>After all was said and done, we took all our assests and debts and unfortuanetly for him he was left holding the bag. Although he keeps our old home he had to take on all the debts as part of the settlement.<P>He lost custody because he was manipulating, and verbally abusive towards me.<P>Our divorce was finalized this month.<P>we live in a nice moderate home that NEEDS some updates but is very comfortable!<P>My daughter has been in counselling for a while and the counsellor feels she is coping very well.<P>Myself well that is why I'm here isn't it?<P>I've been very depressed lately.<BR>I find my job tendeous.<BR>My dating scene is fine.<BR>My daughter never knows when i am dating or met anyone i've dated. (so far)<BR>I dable in spending time with my ex because i like to.<BR>I can't forsee him completely out of my life at this point.<BR>We've both done some petty things and VERY hurtful things but whatever reason i feel best when i spend time with him still.<BR>Romantically.<BR>It's difficult because he talks about us having another child, and being together getting married....etc<BR>He states he would want a prenup this time around....etc<BR>BUT sometimes i just think to myself, children naw.<BR>I'm 30 now and i can not forse myself wanting anymore children.<BR>I want to live for me. ( a little)<BR>I understand the prenup but I'm not sure i want to be married.<BR>I love my house and the indepence in provides. I'm not relying on anyone.<BR>I pay the bills.<BR>I can decorate however i wish.<BR>I can clean it or i don't have to.<BR>The choices are all mine!!!<P><BR>Anyone want to toss me a bone?<BR>Like what is your take as an outsider.<BR>Thank you<BR><P>------------------<BR>May the worst day in your future be better than the best day in your past!

Hi Holly,<P>Welcome to the forum. It's a little early for any of the veterans to be on, but I'll take a stab at it.<P>It sounds like you still have feelings for you X, but are enjoying you independence. I suspect that's a little how my STBX feels. we are heading towards divorce at her behest and I'm really just along for the ride. <P>There are some great materials available here, and some very wise and experienced people on the forum who dispense very good advice.<P>It sounds like you are doing well on your own and living a little and that's great, (I can't wait to get there myself ) but it also seems like you may still want to get back together with your X and that's interesting. I firmly believe that almost any marriage can be saved if both people commit to doing whatever it takes to make it work. I have always thought it's a better investment to fix a broken marriage, than to throw it away & look for someone new.<P>Since it seems you both have not ruled out the possibility of reconcilliation, maybe it's something you could discuss in the future.<P>Anyhow, just my $0.02.<P>take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Cooker,<P>Thank you for your 2 cents.<BR>I notice little things that are bothering me with him as well.<BR>Sometimes i find him hard to be around.<BR>I feel like i hate him.<BR>(sometimes)<BR>Did you ever feel this way?

helping,<P>About the anger/hating thing.... The counselor I had been going to made a very interesting statment to me - he said that love and anger in a marital relationship are polar opposites. AND, you can't have one without the other. He even went as far as to say that having anger in a troubled relationship can actually be a good thing in that if the anger is there, then the love may still be as well. He said you know when it is past the point of reconciling when one or both of the parties begin to feel indifferent - it is usually then when the emotions are truly gone. But to rid yourself of the anger you need to truly forgive - really forgive, and that is tough in and of itself.<P>About the prenup. Assuming that it was your decision to divorce, you have to understand that just as you lost trust in your husband's ability to "love you the right way", when you came to him and asked for a divorce, the trust he had for you became damaged as well. He may still have feelings for you, but they are most likely hidden behind a defensive wall. He will most likely say and do all kinds of things that may seem wrong to you, until that wall is taken down (brick by brick). That can only happen over time.<P>About independence. My wife is gone now about 8 months and we are headed towards a divorce. She is 27 and I am 30 (married 4.5 years). One of her comments when she moved out was how much she liked being independent. For me it was not the case. Not that I am not independent (very much so), I just choose to look at independence and marriage differently: I think it is very possible and healthy to be independent WITHIN the boundaries of marriage. Look at most healthy relationships and you will quickly see that both spouses have a strong sense of "self". Maybe you just needed to get away from your husband to find that sense of "self" within you. But that does not mean that you don't love him anymore. Maybe the divorce was just what your marriage needed (sounds crazy right?). But it could be true, maybe you both needed to grow-up by yourselves in order to learn how to love each other the right way.<P>I know since my wife left, I have grown immensely spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I know that if (when?) my wife comes back, things will be different. You see, like your husband I was also cruel and short tempered at times and manipulative. And my wife had her share of issues as well. The counselor told us that in his opinion, if we had waited another couple years before marrying, things may have been much, much better. In his opinion, he just thinks we were too young (and he may be right).<P>If you love your X, don't discount your feelings. Don't try to minimize them by focusing on his faults. If you love him and he loves you and you are both willing to try and meet each other's needs, isn't that what it is all about?<P>Sure you could find someone knew with what appears to be "no faults", but remember, your husband probably appeared that way back when you first married them. Love is not blind to each other's faults, it is seeing the other's faults and accepting them anyway.<P>God Bless.<BR>Mike

Thank you Mike,<P>I feel really sad because when i look at him today i can see (and i tell him) i sense a difference about him.<BR>My husband started dating this other woman and he has been lying to both of us inregards to what he is actually up to with the other.<BR>She's told people and myself that my husband has pledged his love to her and that only she holds his heart.<BR>A confession he also has made to me.<P>Sometimes i thin he just basically likes having 2 woman at his beck and call. I don't feel lie being in this spot anymore and i'm having a problem breaking free. <BR>He's said some really awful things to me, and while i realize that it was probably out of anger he never apoligizes and i'm tired of wondering whether or not he still see's her.<P>I want to be in a relationship like my friends are in. I want to go out and do couple things.<P>My counselor stated most re-marriages end again at a rate of 85%. He feels that my ex and i could never recover from the damage that we inflicted upon each other.<P>But why do i feel so hurt now? I cry at the idea of not seeing him and talking to him. Is it possible to be inlove with someone but never beable to be with them???

Holly,<P>Actually, I'm still in love with her. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable around her and I am occasionally upset with her for ending our relationship without ever giving me a chance, but I don't think I'll ever hate her. <P>I also think I loved her too much to ever just like her, so I suppose she'll eventually become a person who once meant more than anything in the world to me, and will become nothing more than my son's mother.<P>I would make sure you grow into the person YOU want to be, before entertaining a serious relationship with anyone else (your X included). <P>Of course you can love someone and not like them. And vice versa. The key is to get both, and that's the trick.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

<BR>I sometimes just think that with some "issues" we've had as of lately with our child, i cuddled up next to him for that reason.<BR>There's things about him that don't feel right.<BR>There's times when i can not imagine my life without him. But the cold reality is that he doesn't comfort me when these "issues" come to light. He just takes us out for dinner or away for the weekend.<P>I wonder sometimes if we both realize this and are too afraid to admit it to one another.<P>Letting go sure is hard.<BR>