A friend told me that you folks here at D/D are very experienced so here goes ...<BR>I have beeb very suspicous for a LONG time<BR>and am always looking over H's shoulder<BR>I try to put the cat back in thebag but little things keep happending and yet I still have no proof of an affair just suspicions. But the other day he hid the phone bill from his office and since I can access on line I found a 900 call which is why three years ago I began feeling this way. (I have not told him I know this ) <BR>I am really sick of all this cat and mouse and yet there is the scared and the smaller part of I still Love him that says what am I doing and what should I do? I know this a really broad question but I am not sure where else to begin. Thanks for your support.<BR>Patience

Welcome <B>toomuchpatience</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You're so early in this...<BR>...prepare yourself by starting on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and ==><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A><P><BR>...and when you've understood it's real purpose...<BR>...check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.html" TARGET=_blank>50 signs your spouse is having an affair </A>... and<BR>...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000480.html" TARGET=_blank> "Snoop Tricks for Betrayed Spouses" </A>... (with extreme care)<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited November 26, 2000).]

The hardest thing I have ever had to do is ask my X (then H) if there was some one else. I will always remember him saying yes....then the greatest pain I have ever felt started....<P>I too snooped a little...all it brought me was more pain...but I felt I had the right to know.<P>I know this is hard on you....with what you find out will change your marriage and life forever.<P>I will be thinking about you! <P>Please keep us informed. Additional information will help us also.

Patience,<P>Hello. I'm not going to offer any advice right now... I'm in a very "confrontational" frame of mind (that's what I would do), and I'm not sure that is what you need. <P>There are many caring people here, and I'm sure you will get lots of help. <P>You are in my thougths & prayers.<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Toomuchpatience,<P>Well, I have a couple of thoughts. The first thought is, are you really ready to know the truth? I know that sounds odd, but if you were to find out the worst--that he is having an affair of some kind--do you really want to know? Or, deep down, do you NOT really want to know? Also, ask yourself honestly if you are looking for something that isn't there. Is it conceivable that he actually is innocent? <P>Next, I would say that hiding the phone bill certainly is suspicious behavior, so just from the "reality check" point of view, you are being unreasonable or illogical or any of that stuff. Usually, when your spouse starts telling you, "Well, that's just crazy" it means you're on to something.<P>Here's my story in a nutshell. I was married for 14 years. My H left in February for a "fling" that I found out about. He came back in June because "the kids deserve a father." We didn't sleep together (in the same bed) until August. I thought things were getting better between us, except that he said he had problems with erections from his diabetes, so there wasn't very much attempt at sex. Well, on October 24th he said it was over and we had the "who wants what stuff" talk. I moved out for about two weeks. Then I discovered he had never ended the affair he started in February! I called the house one night and his OW answered the phone--at my house! I moved back in that weekend and told him he would not carry on like that in front of my kids, and he moved out. <P>Now, the reason I told you my whole life story (haha) is that I figured out the affair in February by putting some pieces together: a phone bill, a hotel reservation, etc. But I never saw that he continued it. I think I wanted SO BADLY to think things were getting better between us that I purposely did not see "clues". I bet you are kind of the same way. There may be clues all over the place that you don't really want to see. And if you ask him, face to face, I'm almost sure he will lie about it IF HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.<P>If I were to offer any advice, I would say to first, figure out if you are ready to know the truth--are you ready to find out he IS having an affair and are you just as ready to find out he is innocent? Then, when you're ready, start playing detective and snoop around. It probably won't be too hard to find evidence either way.<P>If you want to write one-on-one, my email is cindy_wolfe@blm.gov<P>You are in my prayers,<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.