My divorce will be final in the next month - two months. My STBXH will be married to his OW shortly after divorce is final. He lives approx. 1800 miles away from our 11 yo D. He is obviously moving on with his life but is treating me like a non-existent person. He does not talk to me and when he drops D off at home does not come in. We are still in the process of negotiations (he is already behind two months in support, meanwhile found out his fiancee is wearing my support checks on her finger - bought her an enormous diamond engagement ring) so I think his behavior is for the best right now. My concern is what happens 6 months from now, a year from now? In my mind, I imagine that he has blocked me out - our 13 yrs together never existed. What suggestions would you have for me to co-parent with this man. He did an enormous amound of devious and hurtful things to me via the e-mail so I prefer that we communicate by phone, letter or in person. My feeling is to wait at least 6 months and then ask him how he would like our relationship to be. Don't want to have daughter feel caught in the middle forever.

Wow, that's a tough one. I'm sorry he's not meeting his support obligations. That's one behavior, that as a father, I can't fathom.<P>I would say wait awhile before trying to set up any parenting agreements, if that's more comfortable. My STBXW and I have pretty much worked everything out, saw my attorney with the Sep. A. today, so now it's get them notarized & wait for her to file.<P>First I would sit down & write out what you think the rules should be about parenting. That might make it easier to deal with him.<P>Sorry I wasn't too helpful, I'm still kind of weirded out after my attorney visit. I never knew how easy it was to get divorced <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Barrington,<P>Don't wait!!!! Get the relationship down in writing as part of the divorce settlement. If you wait you may be sorry. Initially your x will still be in his "honeymoon" state and probably won't have anytine for you or your d. This may change at a later date and it could cause problems.<P>If he is living out of state, how is d going to visit him, how often and who is paying ? I have two friends whos kids go away every summer to spend with the other parent. They are gone the whole summer. No sports or other activities with their friends. I know I would HATE that and so would my kids. My one friend also ships his son off every month by plane to visit his mother and most holidays. Very expensive.<P>A woman friend of mine made her x fly down and pickup the kids and fly back with them while they were young instead of them flying alone. She had this written into her divorce papers.<P>None of these things would be enforceable after the divorce. Do you think that your x's new wife will allow him to return to being the father he was before and be resonaable?<P>Just food for thought!<P>Bob

It will be very hard after the divorce to get an enforceable agreement. Don't sit on this. <P>My x treats me as a non-person too, most of the time. Considering how he treats me the rest of the time, I prefer him not speaking to me. But, that's just the two of us. <P>I feel as if I'm not much help, either. But I do feel you need that agreement now rather than later. Unless you feel daughter would be better off with him out of her life, do it now. If he's paying legal fees, let the attorneys work it out.<P>

Hi Barrington,<P>I agree, sort it out now. Especially with the fact that he lives so far away. Who pays for the visits???<P>Over here, the two parents need to share the costs, unless one is just being difficult and moving away deliberately, and keeps on moving.<P>I also cannot fathom how these people just stop supporting their children. What the heck are they thinking. And what is she (OW)thinking?? Surely it MUST enter her mind that if he can do this to you, he can do this to her also. Maybe I've just never been in so much fog.......<P>Being treated as a non-person is hurtful, and leaves me with a lot of questions, ie, how could he..., why is he... but sometimes it's an easier way for me to deal with all this. Instead of fighting or arguing with him, we just 'civilly' barely speak, if that makes sense. He doesn't have a lot to say to me, but is polite and friendly. God, does any of this make sense!!! But I think you'll understand what I mean.<P>I hope it all works out for you. One positive way of looking at this is that because he does live so far away, he's not going to be in your face. That has to be good for you and your D.<P>But sort out the nitty-gritty now of visitation. And support.<P>big hugs to you<P>Jo

Hi - thanks for your ideas. We have worked out a visitation schedule. We split the holidays and she does back to visit him 7 weeks in the summer. He can come out to visit her whenever he wants as long as he gives us enough notice. I think that she will fly back to see him for weekends only one or two times during the school year (she has already been back in October) but I am flexible for the long weekends in the winter - they both ski and he lives in Colorado now. He has agreed to pay for all her visits out to see him and he flies a zillion miles a year for his work so he can always use his miles for tickets if a. he is not too selfish and b. gets his act together to plan ahead. I predict that once he gets married he will not come out to see her unless he has a business trip out here. Anybody know what age a child can be when they can decide on visitation - I heard it is either 12 or 13. In other words, if my D doesn't want to spend the summer with him and she is a certain age she doesn't have to. I am making my attorney put in our settlement that if he goes on a business trip while she is with him, she has the option of coming back to me. How do people work out stuff like cars (when they turn 16) and auto insurance?

Barrington,<BR>The auto area is one area I'm concerned about. Nothing was agreed to in our settlement. I don't own a car and don't have auto insurance as I have a company car. So I don't have a car or insurance for d to use in a few years. I am planning to buy my co car and am hoping x will put d on her auto insurance.<P>As for age of consent, it may vary by state but I think it is 14.<P>Jo,<BR>My x switches back and forth between not speaking to me or acting angry on the few times I call her to trying to act like my friend and nothing happened between us. The last few months she has barely spoken to me at all. <P>I called her yesterday inregarsd to Xmas gifts and she sounded bothered by the call and slightly angered. Then I saw her at d's game in the afternoon and she didn't speak to me at all. She handed our s his clothes and stuff for me and the d to him only, not to me. These is fine with me. If I only didn't have to see her anymore.